#18 - Getting Mad At ~Sir~ -

July 17, 2012
Dear Flower,
There have been times in the past where i have gotten mad at ~Sir~ (my Spiritual Guru) without any real justifiable reason other than blaming my problems on him. In the distant past, at least 8 or 9 years ago, sometimes when i got mad at Him i would get drunk; it's been probably about 9 years since i have done that. I have done stupid things, self-destructive things out of anger towards ~Sir~, including getting involved with a girl I have no interest in. They were simply pathetic attempts to spite him in some way. Getting angry with ~Sir~ would be like getting mad at a baby. ~Sir~ is extremely kind, extremely cute, and extremely loving.

Actions like this get recorded in my history and cause me to appear to be schizophrenic in some way to other people. As i said in a previous blog post, sometimes it's safer to not believe than to believe. And i believe that that is the course that my psychiatrist has decided to take since the beginning of my admission in the mental health clinic. I don't know how her views are now; i could only speculate.

There's no reason to be mad at ~Sir~. There's only reason to be grateful. Getting mad at ~Sir~ is like getting mad at somebody that only gives and gives. ~Sir~ is the greatest and kindest thing in my life. I am nothing without him. The person that i am is made up of both ~Sir~ and me. The days of getting angry with him are over. These are the days of asking for forgiveness. These are the days of trying to do right for myself and for my daughter.
~Mark

Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've been in two long term relationships here in Nova Scotia since i moved back from Toronto in 2002. But BOTH of those relationships were crappy, especially the first one. I knew i didn't want to marry either of them, but i dated them anyway, if you can call it that.

But that mentality, of being with girls who i didn't really want to be with in the long run, came from the some of the recklessness that i adopted around 1998 and the kind of friends that i started hanging out with.
~Mark  @markenglish13