#17 - My Anxiety Disorder -

July 17
Dear Flower,
As i've stated within Part 1 of this Blog Post (i.e. Blog Post #11), i had a very serious anxiety disorder starting around the age of 16; that disorder still lingers on today, although not nearly as serious as it was before.

Because of my anxiety disorder, there have been numerous times in the past where i have "self medicated" myself to help me overcome my anxiety enough, to gain the confidence, in other words, to be able to approach girls in clubs or bars so that i may one day find a wife. This unfortunately did not work out very well many times. In fact, since high school, i have had no girl friend to whom i was really truly in love with.

The street drug that i chose in the past (i.e. around 1999-2002) was Ecstacy. I have not used Ecstacy since 2002 except for one occasion in 2010. I would probably equate it to smashing my head against a brick wall in order to achieve some sort of social goal. The logic was horrifically flawed. It's unfortunate that i didn't embrace all the knowledge that i already had within me that it was the wrong decision. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to attempt to try something like that again.

I have an anxiety disorder. And it's as simple as that. It's basically a social anxiety which has expanded into alone time, in other words: even if there's nobody i have to meet or see, i sometimes suffer from anxiety. But, again, it is no where *near* as bad as it was 10 or 20 years ago. Because i've suffered for so long from it, it's hard not to be introverted and reserved due to my lack of successful social experiences throughout my life.

When i was 18 years old, i started to learn how to meditate. Meditation is something that must be done regularly (i.e. every day) and punctually (preferably early in the morning before starting your day, at the same time every morning). Very simply put: street drugs and meditation don't mix.

Really, all i need is companionship in a wife. I don't need some hot young 22 year old. I may WANT a hot young 22 year old, but more of what i need is companionship and compatibility, and the possibility of having more children.

When i was about 34, in 2010, my thinking wasn't as clear as it is now. I just didn't know how it would possible for me to be able to approach any girl no matter what age (or even make friends for that matter) unless i somehow self-medicated myself to deal with my anxiety with some kind of street drug. I didn't find the prescription meditation achieved enough. But i was also looking for a quick-fix solution, because my age made me fear that i was becoming less and less be desirable for another girl.

It kind of depresses me sometimes that i can't have a sole mate like most other people. I blame my anxiety disorder on emotional abuse and fault finding (as apposed to emotional support) from my parents. I also feel that part of it must be hereditary, however, i just don't think it would have been as bad as it was if it wasn't for how i was raised.

So, that is how i got introduced to the crack-cocaine scene, because i had discovered that drinking about 5 or 6 beers and then smoking a little bit of crack gave me tremendous confidence to have a lengthy, funny, happy conversation with a girl in a bar or club. I haven't done any drugs and very little drinking from 2002 until 2010. In 2010, i was about 34. And for some reason it just started to get to me that i needed a quick fix solution to my lack of girlfriend situation. My only intention with crack was to self medicate myself. I haven't used any crack since early 2012.

Now, i don't do anything in terms of street drugs or alcohol. I don't do any drugs and i don't intend to. I'm actually a very spiritual person and rely on my spiritual life and of God to help me overcome my anxiety. Yes, i'd -like- to be married sometime within the next year or two, but in a way, i also don't really care. Basically, there's something about me that i just don't understand.
~Mark

Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
Brooklyn's here with me today, and i have to stay up all night working. Then her mom picks her up tomorrow. I have so much work to do, and i'm probably not going to be able to get it all done. Well, see how it goes.

I really just want to work freelance fulltime, Flower. But i'm not brave enough right now to quite my job. That's the thing that's really slowing me down. If i get a better job i'd be able to save more money. Then it'd be easier to start freelance fulltime. I guess i could TRY to do that.

Anyway, i just wanted to tell you that, and the fact that i'm way behind with the work i'm supposed to be giving to my boss very soon, because i hope to tell you some things that Sir sometimes says about things that i think about doing in relation to that.

I don't see Sir like i would see a person or an angel standing in front of me. There's no separation. He's within me, but there's a lot i don't know. AND i don't know a lot of the right words to use lol to try to describe this.

The way he communicates is more advanced then the way we talk--by using words to convey our thoughts and feelings. He communicates directly to my thoughts and feelings. I don't even have to form my thoughts into words to ask him a question in my mind. I don't even have to consiously TRY to ask him a question, even though i often do, to get a response to something i might be wondering about deep inside for a split second or two. Also, when he communicates things to me, he usually doesn't use words.

I often think of that novel The Chrysalids and how the characters could communicate telepathically. I like how, in the novel, it describes the inner communication as "faster and clearer than words", 'cause that's definitely what it's like to experience communication from Sir. I need to bring somebody in here with me to experience Sir with me as i experience him. I don't know if that will ever happen. For now it's just me and Sir.

I often "feel" him through my eyes. I feel his very kind dispostion. I "feel-see" how he feels. I guess in the same way how you can SEE how another person is feeling on the inside when they look happy, sad, amused, impressed, confused, proud, and so forth.
~Mark  @markenglish13