#10 - Intuitive Thoughts Part 3 of 4 -

July 12, 2012
Dear Flower,
As in my previous blog post, this is a continuation from my previous blog post; in other words, i am continuing to relay to you, verbatim, the notes that i took during the early morning hours of May 29, 2012, which were based off the intuitive thoughts that i was having at the time...

- "Why would ~Sir~ make me stay awake for so long? Do you think he did that? Not necessarily. This is one of the areas, or examples, where i cause problems with my space cadet disobedience--which is probably due to my underlying anxiety disorder."


- "Don't ask -me- why this story is so crazy, ask *God*; think about His problems."


- "If you are deviating from the real you, go back to what's normal; imagine a flower inside your heart. Imagine that the flower is God. Go back to the beginning of your spiritual life when you were most sincere."

- "I am an idiot (a) and, (b), somehow i'm saying all this stuff to you."

- "Don't question ~Sir~. He can "trick" me, but in a Divine way. Don't question ~Sir~: that is a life long message for me."

"On May 29th, 2012, in the early morning, there was one huge lightening bolt and thunder; an additional smaller one occurred about 20 minutes later... The smaller one marked the ending of it, i.e. the ending of the annihilation of Atara, that's right, Atar, Tara, whatever her name shall be."

"And: these are -my- words that ~Sir~ is allowing me to say: I'm sorry. Seriously. I don't like talking about people that way--the way i talked about her. I'm allowed to feel my sympathy now... It just blows me away. I feel soooo bad. It just completely defies how i could ever possibly feel for somebody. I don't know.....what's going on. I just really need to know that she's okay. I don't know what to do. {My sympathy is NOTHING in comparison to ~Sir's~: if there's any implication of a lack of sympathy, it's not intended.} I can't go on like i don't CARE about somebody. It's not possible. Even if somebody's telling me to. ~Sir~, i feel so bad. I don't know where she is. She's in a better place now. How can that be? Please, lol. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want -anybody- to suffer. I can't do it. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't want her to feel that way. I can't think bad thoughts about people. I probably never really understood..... tried to imagine.... Just have to move on i guess... C. heard it too... I'll have to talk to him about that in the future to confirm whether he really did and if he remembers; he may have thought it, i.e. the loud thunder bang, was a nuclear bomb that went off."
~ Mark

Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries:  ;)

October 27, 2010
Dear Flower,

Do you remember when i told you about a children's story in which a little girl threatened her mommy that she was going to run away from home and never come back?

I don't remember the name of the story. I think i read it when i was a kid or something. And i think it was one of a series of short stories.

In the story, the little girl gets mad at something and starts to pack her stuff saying she's running away. Her mom didn't seem particularly perturbed by it though and, in fact, started helping her with her bags.

Anyway, i tried to use that story as a little analogy to try to explain some things i was going through at the time. You didn't know what i was talking about, but i wouldn't explain what i meant by the analogy. You were insisting that i tell you, but i said that maybe i would try to explain a little some other time. You really seemed to want to know what i was talking about, so i always thought you kinda remembered that conversation.

~Mark  @markenglish13