July 31, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'm really disturbed by the fact that i haven't seen my daughter in about 3 months now. I have a lingering pain inside because of it. Working at Starbucks-Chapters a lot reminds me of her every time i walk by the children section, and every time i see a child close to her age, i struggle with the pain of not being able to see her. Even throughout her life prior to the last 3 months, when i had her regularly, i struggled inside with the pain of being separated from her until i got her again. It didn't seem right. It's something that doesn't seem right that i have to tolerate. Something isn't right about it, about being separated from your child. Every time i returned her back to her mother, i felt like i was abusing her in some way, teaching her that i don't really care, or that i neglect her. How could her poor little brain understand that i'm simply trying to follow a court order that outlines a schedule for both the mother and me; it doesn't seem right to not have your child with you every night and every day.
And how could this have ever happened in the first place? How could i ever have gotten somebody pregnant that i knew in my wildest dreams i would never spend the rest of my life with? How could something like that possibly happen? Because i was being reckless; i was being self destructive, 'cause i didn't think it was fair; i didn't think it was normal what i was going through with ~Sir~. I was rebelling against it by being destructive, reckless, hurtful towards myself. But this is what i caused. My actions and my decisions resulted in a human being who must be raised this way. I know in my heart i would never choose Brooklyn's mother as the mother of my child. I know what's right and wrong. I know what's intelligent and not intelligent. And it wouldn't be particularly intelligent for me to plan to have a child with Brooklyn's mother. I did this. I caused this. I'm going to fight for custody. Only because i feel that that's what's best. I would give my life to that child. Two people are supposed to PLAN to have a child together. A child is supposed to be treated with respect at all times. I owe this child my life, because i made the decisions that brought her into this world in the first place. I have to give her everything i possibly have. It'll never be enough to love her from a distance. Something has to happen. Something has to change for the betterment of that child.
I wouldn't in my wildest dreams today make the kind of decisions that, in the past, resulted in somebody whom i would not value as being the mother of any of my children become pregnant with my child. There's nothing i can do about that now. That was all self-destruction. Yes, deliberately having unprotected sex (I knew she wasn't taking her pills properly even though she said she was) was total self-destruction. The only thing more self-destructive than the way i have been self-destructive would have been suicide. I would never commit suicide. I'm not afraid to die though. Not afraid one bit. Somebody could point a gun at my head; i wouldn't even flinch. I keep myself alive for other purposes, 'cause God wants me to, to serve God, to serve my daughter, to do what God wants me to. My daughter is the main reason why i would want to be alive, and because it's God's Will.
~Mark @markenglish13
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
#33 - My Parents Need To Choose Right Over Wrong -
July 31, 2012
Dear Flower,
Just because there was a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family environment growing up, doesn't mean there wasn't a lot of love. I love my parents very much, and care for them. I'm in a difficult position. They simply need to behave.
Apologies are important because then you not only help the person you've hurt to heal, but you also become more vigilant in your own mind that what you've done is wrong and you should make an effort not to repeat it. In essence, it helps both parties heal: the one who has been emotionally hurtful heals and the one who has been on the receiving end heals as well.
I am in a very difficult position. I have no choice but to speak to my parents about emotional abuse if they're not going to openly admit that it's wrong and they must try to stop, because i have a child. And a child needs grandparents. Not allowing my child to have grandparents (on my side of the family) is not an option. The option is right there in front of my parents: admit your wrong doings, admit what is emotional abuse coming from you, apologize and try not to continue. But if they can't do that, then we will remain in a limbo stage in which i must manage very closely how much contact my daughter has with my parents and when.
Right now, it is nothing short of abuse: that the one on the receiving end of the abuse is at fault, i.e. it is *their* fault that they are receiving the abuse and they deserve it--without any apologies. That's my definition of abuse: the lack of apologies, the lack of admitting what's wrong. Normal people make mistakes, they say the wrong things sometimes, but normal people who aren't abusive will feel the need to apologize when it is necessary. I can't just try to ignore this and bring my child into an abusive environment. It's time for my parents, particularly my dad, to shape up and face the music: It doesn't matter if you think someone is doing something wrong, you still need to treat them with respect: behave yourself! Pull yourself together and face reality. If you wouldn't treat your co-workers like that, why would you think you can treat your family members that way as though they are lessor people.
Done.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
Just because there was a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family environment growing up, doesn't mean there wasn't a lot of love. I love my parents very much, and care for them. I'm in a difficult position. They simply need to behave.
Apologies are important because then you not only help the person you've hurt to heal, but you also become more vigilant in your own mind that what you've done is wrong and you should make an effort not to repeat it. In essence, it helps both parties heal: the one who has been emotionally hurtful heals and the one who has been on the receiving end heals as well.
I am in a very difficult position. I have no choice but to speak to my parents about emotional abuse if they're not going to openly admit that it's wrong and they must try to stop, because i have a child. And a child needs grandparents. Not allowing my child to have grandparents (on my side of the family) is not an option. The option is right there in front of my parents: admit your wrong doings, admit what is emotional abuse coming from you, apologize and try not to continue. But if they can't do that, then we will remain in a limbo stage in which i must manage very closely how much contact my daughter has with my parents and when.
Right now, it is nothing short of abuse: that the one on the receiving end of the abuse is at fault, i.e. it is *their* fault that they are receiving the abuse and they deserve it--without any apologies. That's my definition of abuse: the lack of apologies, the lack of admitting what's wrong. Normal people make mistakes, they say the wrong things sometimes, but normal people who aren't abusive will feel the need to apologize when it is necessary. I can't just try to ignore this and bring my child into an abusive environment. It's time for my parents, particularly my dad, to shape up and face the music: It doesn't matter if you think someone is doing something wrong, you still need to treat them with respect: behave yourself! Pull yourself together and face reality. If you wouldn't treat your co-workers like that, why would you think you can treat your family members that way as though they are lessor people.
Done.
~Mark @markenglish13
Monday, July 30, 2012
#32 - My Dire Situation -
July 30, 2012
Dear Flower,
I have a bit of a confession to make: In a previous blog post i said i was gonna give up coffee. Well, i haven't been able to do that yet. It's just too difficult right now. I want to wait until things are less stressful. Plus, i don't want to just quit cold turkey; i want to gradually reduce my coffee consumption so i don't get massive headaches.
Things are too stressful right now though:
So, there's a lot of uncertainty around having a steady income, being able to pay for the rent, and so forth, and a lot of uncertainty surrounding when i will be able to see my daughter again regularly. I struggle inside with the idea of what she might be going through. It is extremely important to me to not cause harm to any child.
I think the mother is doing a terrible job at doing what's best for our daughter, Brooklyn. It is because of her doing that i am unable to see my daughter. And that doesn't have anything to do with what's best for Brooklyn. Somebody's not thinking enough about the child here. It angers me, but what hurts me the most is the idea of what she might be going through.
So, i haven't been able to give up coffee. It's all i've got to help me feel a little bit better as i struggle through these adversities. At least i have that, to make me feel a little bit more normal, to help me stay focused on the things i need to get done. It could be a lot worse.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
I have a bit of a confession to make: In a previous blog post i said i was gonna give up coffee. Well, i haven't been able to do that yet. It's just too difficult right now. I want to wait until things are less stressful. Plus, i don't want to just quit cold turkey; i want to gradually reduce my coffee consumption so i don't get massive headaches.
Things are too stressful right now though:
- I don't know what i'm going to do about income.
- I haven't seen my daughter in almost 3 months.
- I have to try to find a legal aid or lawyer to help me fight my custody battle.
So, there's a lot of uncertainty around having a steady income, being able to pay for the rent, and so forth, and a lot of uncertainty surrounding when i will be able to see my daughter again regularly. I struggle inside with the idea of what she might be going through. It is extremely important to me to not cause harm to any child.
I think the mother is doing a terrible job at doing what's best for our daughter, Brooklyn. It is because of her doing that i am unable to see my daughter. And that doesn't have anything to do with what's best for Brooklyn. Somebody's not thinking enough about the child here. It angers me, but what hurts me the most is the idea of what she might be going through.
So, i haven't been able to give up coffee. It's all i've got to help me feel a little bit better as i struggle through these adversities. At least i have that, to make me feel a little bit more normal, to help me stay focused on the things i need to get done. It could be a lot worse.
~Mark @markenglish13
Saturday, July 28, 2012
#31 - The Future Is In God`s Hands -
July 28, 2012
Dear Flower,
~Sir~ has been doing an amazing, inspiring, job of helping me feel that He's not only still -here-, but very closely -here-, and looking after me with tremendous love and concern.
~Sir~ does a very fine job of helping me to feel loved and looked after. I feel very grateful to him. I owe him my life; everything that i am is because of him. He has helped me make tremendous spiritual progress.
I get the sense from him that he's looking after me. But i also get the sense that He's got the future planned (for me) as well, and it’s in His Hands. For instance, my financial situation is extremely tight, but i get the sense from Him that He's taking care of that.
People seem to be looking after me, such as Steve and John. And i just can't help but think that it is because of ~Sir's~ Blessings that these good things are happening to me.
I have to focus on preparing for the court hearing coming up in the near future over custody of my 8 year old daughter, Brooklyn. At the very least, i want my regular access re-entitled back to me. There's no excuse or justification for me to have no access whatsoever, which is what has been set up by the mother whilst i was stuck in the hospital. I have to find a legal aid as soon as possible. And get some legal advice. I don't have the least bit of concern that, at the very least, i will get my regular access back.
The impression i get from ~Sir~ seems to be in that regard as well. But, regardless, i am doing what i feel is best for my child and always will, regardless of ANYthing, while, at the same time, i have the attitude of "Let God's Will be done". I am letting God's Will be done, but at the same time trying everything i can to do what is right, what's best. Whatever it is that is going on is in God's Hands and i just try my best.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 15, 2010
Dear Flower,
I just want to focus on meditation, with zero distractions, and let that improve my life. And i want to spend my free time improving other areas of my life. For the last year or so,--probably since i broke up with my last girlfriend--i've been thinking i need to quickly find myself a wife because i felt like i was getting too old to find anyone i would like.... But i don't really care as much about that anymore because of the sundar and meditation...
Meditation certainly gives me a lot more confidence. Also, when i feel like i can get just about any girl i want, because of the sundar, i feel more secure.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
~Sir~ has been doing an amazing, inspiring, job of helping me feel that He's not only still -here-, but very closely -here-, and looking after me with tremendous love and concern.
~Sir~ does a very fine job of helping me to feel loved and looked after. I feel very grateful to him. I owe him my life; everything that i am is because of him. He has helped me make tremendous spiritual progress.
I get the sense from him that he's looking after me. But i also get the sense that He's got the future planned (for me) as well, and it’s in His Hands. For instance, my financial situation is extremely tight, but i get the sense from Him that He's taking care of that.
People seem to be looking after me, such as Steve and John. And i just can't help but think that it is because of ~Sir's~ Blessings that these good things are happening to me.
I have to focus on preparing for the court hearing coming up in the near future over custody of my 8 year old daughter, Brooklyn. At the very least, i want my regular access re-entitled back to me. There's no excuse or justification for me to have no access whatsoever, which is what has been set up by the mother whilst i was stuck in the hospital. I have to find a legal aid as soon as possible. And get some legal advice. I don't have the least bit of concern that, at the very least, i will get my regular access back.
The impression i get from ~Sir~ seems to be in that regard as well. But, regardless, i am doing what i feel is best for my child and always will, regardless of ANYthing, while, at the same time, i have the attitude of "Let God's Will be done". I am letting God's Will be done, but at the same time trying everything i can to do what is right, what's best. Whatever it is that is going on is in God's Hands and i just try my best.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 15, 2010
Dear Flower,
I just want to focus on meditation, with zero distractions, and let that improve my life. And i want to spend my free time improving other areas of my life. For the last year or so,--probably since i broke up with my last girlfriend--i've been thinking i need to quickly find myself a wife because i felt like i was getting too old to find anyone i would like.... But i don't really care as much about that anymore because of the sundar and meditation...
Meditation certainly gives me a lot more confidence. Also, when i feel like i can get just about any girl i want, because of the sundar, i feel more secure.
~Mark @markenglish13
Thursday, July 26, 2012
#30 - What This Blog Is About -
July 26, 2012
Dear Flower,
You are reading the story about my life. In this blog, i will try to touch upon the following things:
- My relationship with ~Sir~
- What is currently happening with my life
- My emotions and feelings about some things that are happening with my life
- Some mistakes i've made in the past
- The sundar [shun-dar] (i.e. the beauty that originates from within and which can be seen glowing on a person's face)
- My suspicion that we are in a period of a tidal wave of positive changes and improvements taking place
- Emotional abuse and emotional neglect
- My anxiety disorder and how i'm combating it
- My relationships with people, such as my 8 year old daughter and my parents
- Meditation
- My work with the docs
- Things ~Sir~ is helping me to understand
- What is happening with me spiritually (i.e. on the inside)
- I will also gradually start to include more and more information from my past journal entries because there's a lot of important information coming up that i believe you will find very interesting
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
You are reading the story about my life. In this blog, i will try to touch upon the following things:
- My relationship with ~Sir~
- What is currently happening with my life
- My emotions and feelings about some things that are happening with my life
- Some mistakes i've made in the past
- The sundar [shun-dar] (i.e. the beauty that originates from within and which can be seen glowing on a person's face)
- My suspicion that we are in a period of a tidal wave of positive changes and improvements taking place
- Emotional abuse and emotional neglect
- My anxiety disorder and how i'm combating it
- My relationships with people, such as my 8 year old daughter and my parents
- Meditation
- My work with the docs
- Things ~Sir~ is helping me to understand
- What is happening with me spiritually (i.e. on the inside)
- I will also gradually start to include more and more information from my past journal entries because there's a lot of important information coming up that i believe you will find very interesting
~Mark @markenglish13
#29 - How i Start My Days -
July 26, 2012
Dear Flower,
Well, i am permanently out of the hospital now. I will not be going back. I'm living at the place where i wanted to move for the entire time i was held in the hospital. The challenge now is i am in need of more freelance web design work to help me pay for my rent and living expenses.
As i try to think about what my next blog post to you will be about, i thought you may be somewhat interested in how i started my days while at the mental health clinic. I won't bore you with an entire day's details, because sometimes there was nothing to do but pace the hallways or wait around to speak to the doctor. But, on July 12, 2012, i recorded what i did that morning, and i would like to relay that to you so that you have an idea of how i start my days generally speaking, because, generally speaking, i started my days pretty much the same way every day, and at the same time every morning.
- Woke up at about 5:25am
- Started with some prayers and gratitude to God
- Made some tea (i did this to help wake me up a little since we weren't allowed to take showers before 8am)
- Started meditation at about 5:55am
- Started prayers at about 6:25am
- At about 6:45am, i started a shoulder exercise, and made my bed and changed clothes in between sets
- At about 7am, i started a stomach work out, and put cream on my feet and a few other misc. things in between sets (sets of 3)
- At shortly after 7:35am, i started writing other thoughts in this book
- At about 7:50 i started to eat my breakfast
- I ate breakfast and chatted with a patient or two, then, around 8:30am, i started brushing and flossing my teeth
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I get to tell u a juicy secret, but i have to be vague: Hitler was destroyed in year 13 so he could be hit with the most power. I may be able to tell you more about that some other day.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
Well, i am permanently out of the hospital now. I will not be going back. I'm living at the place where i wanted to move for the entire time i was held in the hospital. The challenge now is i am in need of more freelance web design work to help me pay for my rent and living expenses.
As i try to think about what my next blog post to you will be about, i thought you may be somewhat interested in how i started my days while at the mental health clinic. I won't bore you with an entire day's details, because sometimes there was nothing to do but pace the hallways or wait around to speak to the doctor. But, on July 12, 2012, i recorded what i did that morning, and i would like to relay that to you so that you have an idea of how i start my days generally speaking, because, generally speaking, i started my days pretty much the same way every day, and at the same time every morning.
- Woke up at about 5:25am
- Started with some prayers and gratitude to God
- Made some tea (i did this to help wake me up a little since we weren't allowed to take showers before 8am)
- Started meditation at about 5:55am
- Started prayers at about 6:25am
- At about 6:45am, i started a shoulder exercise, and made my bed and changed clothes in between sets
- At about 7am, i started a stomach work out, and put cream on my feet and a few other misc. things in between sets (sets of 3)
- At shortly after 7:35am, i started writing other thoughts in this book
- At about 7:50 i started to eat my breakfast
- I ate breakfast and chatted with a patient or two, then, around 8:30am, i started brushing and flossing my teeth
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I get to tell u a juicy secret, but i have to be vague: Hitler was destroyed in year 13 so he could be hit with the most power. I may be able to tell you more about that some other day.
~Mark @markenglish13
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
#28 - Disrespect Towards Family Members -
July 25, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'd like to take this blog post to touch more upon emotional abuse and disrespect towards/from family members.
I grew up with a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family. It wasn't all bad; it was (and remains) a lot of bad and some good. But i don't know if that make it any better or easier--that there's a good mixture of good--because that does makes it very difficult to distinguish the bad as being bad. Because there is some good, or what *appears* to be good on the surface, they (my "parents") believe they can get away with deception surrounding the emotional abuse and toxicity (i.e. not admitting that it's wrong and should not continue); in other words, it's not obvious: it's very difficult to distinguish.
There's been very little accountability thus far--none whatsoever (thus far) from my "dad". I believe in order to be considered *real parents* you have to have spiritual values: valuing the importance of treating your children with respect, and talking about how that's important with them, trying not to be hurtful, valuing the importance of happiness, treating your children with respect, apologizing when things go wrong, and just an overall value for the spiritual welfare of your children, otherwise, you're just parents by blood. And that's what i believe my parents have been and continue to be.
The result of how i was raised and how i continue to be treated is "not believing in myself". The result of not believing in myself is an anxiety disorder that i have suffered from since age 15 or 16.
They seem to have no value whatsoever for how they could make a person feel on the inside. Both my sister and i are victims of severe emotional abuse. And we have a right or justification to avoid our parents because of it, because we have to be strong, we have to be happy, we have to succeed… And our strength doesn't come from our parents; our weaknesses come from our parents.
I have been dealing with the daunting task of addressing this emotional abuse (i.e. communicating to my parents about it) while things aren’t going well, i.e. while they are in the state of mind that, in the past, has caused them to be disrespectful and emotionally abusive, negative, and hurtful. I have been addressing it *while* they are in the state of mind, so, hopefully they can learn. Like i said, things aren’t *always* bad.... But their *respect* is not maintained while things appear to be going wrong; even when things are going well their disrespect is like a giant elephant just under the surface; a giant elephant that teaches I (or someone else for that matter) must be appearing to be doing everything right in order to be worthy of respect *and* even if i *AM* doing everything i can do that i feel is right, i will *STILL* at times be treated as though i am bad and that there are things wrong with me. But that's been the best i could hope for from my parents over the years. And i've been addressing it because of Brooklyn, otherwise, i would just suck it up.
Thank you for reading,
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've had to talk to my parents about their disrespect towards me and/or Brooklyn over the last few days--even though i'm borrowing their computer--for Brooklyn's sake. Because it's very important to me that Brooklyn is treated with respect and she doesn't have anything to do with that toxicity. I would never talk to them about it if it wasn't for Brooklyn. But i've been helping them understand that they have to be respectful when communicating with family members, and i probably will have to keep talking to them about it, because the more they acknowledge it the better.
This sort of thing has never happened before. It's because of meditation that i'm able to do that. It helps me to have more power over people. I'm the boss, but i don't act like the boss. If they're going to act like kids, then i have to tell them when they're doing something wrong and help them to acknowledge that so they don't keep doing it.
Also, Sir has been giving me a lot of support and helping me be clear on what to say and what not to say.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
I'd like to take this blog post to touch more upon emotional abuse and disrespect towards/from family members.
I grew up with a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family. It wasn't all bad; it was (and remains) a lot of bad and some good. But i don't know if that make it any better or easier--that there's a good mixture of good--because that does makes it very difficult to distinguish the bad as being bad. Because there is some good, or what *appears* to be good on the surface, they (my "parents") believe they can get away with deception surrounding the emotional abuse and toxicity (i.e. not admitting that it's wrong and should not continue); in other words, it's not obvious: it's very difficult to distinguish.
There's been very little accountability thus far--none whatsoever (thus far) from my "dad". I believe in order to be considered *real parents* you have to have spiritual values: valuing the importance of treating your children with respect, and talking about how that's important with them, trying not to be hurtful, valuing the importance of happiness, treating your children with respect, apologizing when things go wrong, and just an overall value for the spiritual welfare of your children, otherwise, you're just parents by blood. And that's what i believe my parents have been and continue to be.
The result of how i was raised and how i continue to be treated is "not believing in myself". The result of not believing in myself is an anxiety disorder that i have suffered from since age 15 or 16.
They seem to have no value whatsoever for how they could make a person feel on the inside. Both my sister and i are victims of severe emotional abuse. And we have a right or justification to avoid our parents because of it, because we have to be strong, we have to be happy, we have to succeed… And our strength doesn't come from our parents; our weaknesses come from our parents.
I have been dealing with the daunting task of addressing this emotional abuse (i.e. communicating to my parents about it) while things aren’t going well, i.e. while they are in the state of mind that, in the past, has caused them to be disrespectful and emotionally abusive, negative, and hurtful. I have been addressing it *while* they are in the state of mind, so, hopefully they can learn. Like i said, things aren’t *always* bad.... But their *respect* is not maintained while things appear to be going wrong; even when things are going well their disrespect is like a giant elephant just under the surface; a giant elephant that teaches I (or someone else for that matter) must be appearing to be doing everything right in order to be worthy of respect *and* even if i *AM* doing everything i can do that i feel is right, i will *STILL* at times be treated as though i am bad and that there are things wrong with me. But that's been the best i could hope for from my parents over the years. And i've been addressing it because of Brooklyn, otherwise, i would just suck it up.
Thank you for reading,
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've had to talk to my parents about their disrespect towards me and/or Brooklyn over the last few days--even though i'm borrowing their computer--for Brooklyn's sake. Because it's very important to me that Brooklyn is treated with respect and she doesn't have anything to do with that toxicity. I would never talk to them about it if it wasn't for Brooklyn. But i've been helping them understand that they have to be respectful when communicating with family members, and i probably will have to keep talking to them about it, because the more they acknowledge it the better.
This sort of thing has never happened before. It's because of meditation that i'm able to do that. It helps me to have more power over people. I'm the boss, but i don't act like the boss. If they're going to act like kids, then i have to tell them when they're doing something wrong and help them to acknowledge that so they don't keep doing it.
Also, Sir has been giving me a lot of support and helping me be clear on what to say and what not to say.
~Mark @markenglish13
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
#27 - My Self Destructive Past -
July 24, 2012
Hello Flower,
I wasn't handling myself as well as i could from about 1998 to 2004. I'm disappointed in myself, because i had the capacity, i had the ability to do as well as i am doing now. It's unfortunate. But it's dust--the past is dust. I'm disappointed in myself, but the past is dust. I was inexcusably reckless on many occasions. ~Sir~ is extremely kind to me and i am ashamed of myself for the way i've acted.
If i want to meditate every day and live a good spiritual life, i have to be up every morning and meditate at 6am, and i wasn't always doing that in my past. From 1998 to 2004, i would sometimes, or oftentimes get angry with ~Sir~ (not even realizing initially that i'm feeling anger or resentment towards Him) 'cause i didn't understand--and i would get drunk because i was mad at him. I still to this day treasure the joy of waking up sober as i began to feel back in 2004. It's a shame that i acted that way, i.e. being self destructive, but i did, and it's over now.
~Mark @markenglish13
P.S. Thank you for reading.
Hello Flower,
I wasn't handling myself as well as i could from about 1998 to 2004. I'm disappointed in myself, because i had the capacity, i had the ability to do as well as i am doing now. It's unfortunate. But it's dust--the past is dust. I'm disappointed in myself, but the past is dust. I was inexcusably reckless on many occasions. ~Sir~ is extremely kind to me and i am ashamed of myself for the way i've acted.
If i want to meditate every day and live a good spiritual life, i have to be up every morning and meditate at 6am, and i wasn't always doing that in my past. From 1998 to 2004, i would sometimes, or oftentimes get angry with ~Sir~ (not even realizing initially that i'm feeling anger or resentment towards Him) 'cause i didn't understand--and i would get drunk because i was mad at him. I still to this day treasure the joy of waking up sober as i began to feel back in 2004. It's a shame that i acted that way, i.e. being self destructive, but i did, and it's over now.
~Mark @markenglish13
P.S. Thank you for reading.
Monday, July 23, 2012
#26 - Recap Part 2 of 2 -
July 23, 2012
Dear Flower,
- I am no longer an involuntary patient at the mental health clinic i have been living at since early June. I applied for a Review Board Hearing, and, after which, i became voluntary as per the decision of the Review Board.
- I will be moving to my new place today, which will consist of a couple rooms i will be renting in a house (one for me, one for Brooklyn) and the sharing of the rest of the house, owned by Steve, who i think is a great guy. This is where i've been wanting to move to since being brought to the hospital. I already paid him $600 rent to cover May 15 to June 15.
- I will not be "mentally deteriorating" as suggested by my doctor. I will be living a happy, good life as i have been for the last 8 to 10 years. I am a perfectly normal person who deserves to go back to his life.
- I'm not sure what staying at the mental health clinic actually accomplished, but i am probably a stronger person because of it. Also, i will continue taking *all* my medication, even Olanzapine, even though it's usage is generally considered for schizophrenia. I find Olanzapine actually extremely helpful with addressing my anxiety, and i have been told numerous times that it is good for that as well. I can literally feel it helping with my anxiety. So, that works out fine for me.
- I said in a previous blog post that, whenever i *do* get my freedom back, i'm going to have a new found love and appreciation for it. I definitely will be taking my life even more seriously from now on. It's a shame that, in this country, you can be "detained" for not even doing anything wrong. I am so happy about the Review Board's decision. They made the right decision.
- As for the police, i will be doing the best i can to get to the bottom of their justification for treating me the way they did. I don't even want to *think* about that right now. There's something really fishy about that, and it stinks, and i don't even want to be thinkin' about the stink 'til after i'm out and enjoying my freedom.
- I'm glad to know that i'm finally moving in to the place i've been wanting to move into. I might be getting a new laptop soon too. It would be kinda difficult to do freelance work if i don't have a laptop.
- I am going to be following a very strict life, even when it comes to addiction to coffee. Because i believe that's what's best for me as a whole. I am *into* doing what's best for my brain. I will be using a lot of self-control and discipline.
- According to the psychiatrist here at this mental health clinic, i have schizophrenia (a diagnosis i believe was influenced by my parents' attempt to make me look bad). I don't have schizophrenia. And i will be looking for second opinions.
- From now on, and for the rest of my life, i expect to be very regular and punctual with my meditations--that's 3 times a day, for at least 20 minutes at a time.
- I will never again turn to any street drug (or even alcohol) to help me deal with my anxiety, to help me have successful social experiences. The medication and my own personal happiness should be more than enough to help me find a life partner and be successful with my web design business.
- Never again will i be getting mad at ~Sir~. There's no reason to. And that's between me and ~Sir~.
Thanks for reading... until next time, God Bless....
~Mark
Dear Flower,
- I am no longer an involuntary patient at the mental health clinic i have been living at since early June. I applied for a Review Board Hearing, and, after which, i became voluntary as per the decision of the Review Board.
- I will be moving to my new place today, which will consist of a couple rooms i will be renting in a house (one for me, one for Brooklyn) and the sharing of the rest of the house, owned by Steve, who i think is a great guy. This is where i've been wanting to move to since being brought to the hospital. I already paid him $600 rent to cover May 15 to June 15.
- I will not be "mentally deteriorating" as suggested by my doctor. I will be living a happy, good life as i have been for the last 8 to 10 years. I am a perfectly normal person who deserves to go back to his life.
- I'm not sure what staying at the mental health clinic actually accomplished, but i am probably a stronger person because of it. Also, i will continue taking *all* my medication, even Olanzapine, even though it's usage is generally considered for schizophrenia. I find Olanzapine actually extremely helpful with addressing my anxiety, and i have been told numerous times that it is good for that as well. I can literally feel it helping with my anxiety. So, that works out fine for me.
- I said in a previous blog post that, whenever i *do* get my freedom back, i'm going to have a new found love and appreciation for it. I definitely will be taking my life even more seriously from now on. It's a shame that, in this country, you can be "detained" for not even doing anything wrong. I am so happy about the Review Board's decision. They made the right decision.
- As for the police, i will be doing the best i can to get to the bottom of their justification for treating me the way they did. I don't even want to *think* about that right now. There's something really fishy about that, and it stinks, and i don't even want to be thinkin' about the stink 'til after i'm out and enjoying my freedom.
- I'm glad to know that i'm finally moving in to the place i've been wanting to move into. I might be getting a new laptop soon too. It would be kinda difficult to do freelance work if i don't have a laptop.
- I am going to be following a very strict life, even when it comes to addiction to coffee. Because i believe that's what's best for me as a whole. I am *into* doing what's best for my brain. I will be using a lot of self-control and discipline.
- According to the psychiatrist here at this mental health clinic, i have schizophrenia (a diagnosis i believe was influenced by my parents' attempt to make me look bad). I don't have schizophrenia. And i will be looking for second opinions.
- From now on, and for the rest of my life, i expect to be very regular and punctual with my meditations--that's 3 times a day, for at least 20 minutes at a time.
- I will never again turn to any street drug (or even alcohol) to help me deal with my anxiety, to help me have successful social experiences. The medication and my own personal happiness should be more than enough to help me find a life partner and be successful with my web design business.
- Never again will i be getting mad at ~Sir~. There's no reason to. And that's between me and ~Sir~.
Thanks for reading... until next time, God Bless....
~Mark
Saturday, July 21, 2012
#25 - A Recap Part 1 of 2 -
July 21, 2012
Dear Flower,
This will be a 2 Part Blog Post in which i shall do some sort of thorough recap of most things of talked about since the beginning of my blog. The 2nd Part of this Blog Post (i hope) will be more thorough, since i don't currently have my notes on me (i'm just writing off the top of my head).
- Have a family law court hearing coming up over custody of my child, Brooklyn.
- I am glad that the Review Board decided that i am neither a threat to myself nor to other people.
- I am still staying at the hospital because i am still in limbo as to where i'll be living.
- I get unlimited 2 hour passes from the hospital and one 3 hour pass a day (even though i'm a voluntary patient.)
- I don't believe the experience of my own consciousness (i.e. ~Sir~) is in any way a symptom of a mental disorder. Frankly, i never will, because i know and feel what i'm experiencing. And i can tell you from firsthand experience that i am dealing with ~Sir~.
- What does ~Sir~ convey mostly to me? Kindness: Extreme kindness and love. This is what is conveyed mostly to me.
- ~Sir~ will be with me for the rest of my life until i die at age 70 (which is the age i know i will die), and then i shall rest with Him in the afterlife.
- Jesus is the Lord. Sri Krishna is the Lord. The Buddha is the Lord. And ~Dear Sir~ is the Lord.
- I am living proof that ~Sir~ is the Lord. It is from ~Sir~ that my capacity comes from. Otherwise, i would be a decaying mess, with very little capacity. - If i were to go do drugs despite all the love, kindness, and spiritual capacity i receive from ~Sir~, that would be called taking advantage of ~Sir's~ Compassion. And i can't do that. I rely only on ~Sir~. I owe ~Sir~ all my gratitude.
I will complete a more thorough recap in my next Blog Post. So, stay tuned. And God Bless.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
This will be a 2 Part Blog Post in which i shall do some sort of thorough recap of most things of talked about since the beginning of my blog. The 2nd Part of this Blog Post (i hope) will be more thorough, since i don't currently have my notes on me (i'm just writing off the top of my head).
- Have a family law court hearing coming up over custody of my child, Brooklyn.
- I am glad that the Review Board decided that i am neither a threat to myself nor to other people.
- I am still staying at the hospital because i am still in limbo as to where i'll be living.
- I get unlimited 2 hour passes from the hospital and one 3 hour pass a day (even though i'm a voluntary patient.)
- I don't believe the experience of my own consciousness (i.e. ~Sir~) is in any way a symptom of a mental disorder. Frankly, i never will, because i know and feel what i'm experiencing. And i can tell you from firsthand experience that i am dealing with ~Sir~.
- What does ~Sir~ convey mostly to me? Kindness: Extreme kindness and love. This is what is conveyed mostly to me.
- ~Sir~ will be with me for the rest of my life until i die at age 70 (which is the age i know i will die), and then i shall rest with Him in the afterlife.
- Jesus is the Lord. Sri Krishna is the Lord. The Buddha is the Lord. And ~Dear Sir~ is the Lord.
- I am living proof that ~Sir~ is the Lord. It is from ~Sir~ that my capacity comes from. Otherwise, i would be a decaying mess, with very little capacity. - If i were to go do drugs despite all the love, kindness, and spiritual capacity i receive from ~Sir~, that would be called taking advantage of ~Sir's~ Compassion. And i can't do that. I rely only on ~Sir~. I owe ~Sir~ all my gratitude.
I will complete a more thorough recap in my next Blog Post. So, stay tuned. And God Bless.
~Mark @markenglish13
Friday, July 20, 2012
#24 - An Eternal Friend -
Dear Flower,
Sometimes i make friends with people and i may never get to see them again. But that's the way it is with friends sometimes, i guess, true friends, you just go on remembering them, but you never actually ever *see* them again.
But there is something to be said about my friend, ~Sir~, i will never get to see him again on earth, for His physical body has moved on to its death. And lies somewhere to be recycled back to Mother Earth. But He is continuously reminding me of His inner presence: A Blessing, a sheer and utter Divine Blessing. He is so Great and by Great i mean Divine, Divinely Great. I wouldn't give Him up for the world. Billions of dollars could be offered to me, i would not accept it if it meant giving up my one and only forever lasting friend, ~Sir~.
May God Bless...
This is a blog about the truth. A forum through which truth and nothing but the truth can be conveyed with zero opportunity for the perception of the truth to be polluted by deception.
Enjoy the rest of you day/evening/whatever the case may be. : )
~Mark @markenglish13
Sometimes i make friends with people and i may never get to see them again. But that's the way it is with friends sometimes, i guess, true friends, you just go on remembering them, but you never actually ever *see* them again.
But there is something to be said about my friend, ~Sir~, i will never get to see him again on earth, for His physical body has moved on to its death. And lies somewhere to be recycled back to Mother Earth. But He is continuously reminding me of His inner presence: A Blessing, a sheer and utter Divine Blessing. He is so Great and by Great i mean Divine, Divinely Great. I wouldn't give Him up for the world. Billions of dollars could be offered to me, i would not accept it if it meant giving up my one and only forever lasting friend, ~Sir~.
May God Bless...
This is a blog about the truth. A forum through which truth and nothing but the truth can be conveyed with zero opportunity for the perception of the truth to be polluted by deception.
Enjoy the rest of you day/evening/whatever the case may be. : )
~Mark @markenglish13
Thursday, July 19, 2012
#23 - More Intuitive Thoughts -
July 19, 2012
Dear Flower,
You know... my notes are too difficult to read. I was originally going to make this a 2 part blog post, with both parts containing the last bit of the intuitive thoughts of mine that i recorded in a notebook in the early morning of May 29th, 2012, but my notes are just too difficult to read. So, i will include these thoughts simply in one blog post and in the next blog post i will talk about something else.
Here we go:
"I gotta figure out a way to get to Dartmouth (i.e. the "Dark Side city"). I would like to see if there was a big explosion somewhere because of the lightening strike. But why weren't there any sirens. Maybe there were sirens but too far away for me to hear."
"You also have to understand that i was raised by people who were often abusive, and i have a lot of holes in my consciousness that need to be filled with the proper truth. I have had the wrong truth--the untruth--put into my consciousness many times by the "raisers". And there's a lot of hurt not caused by me."
"You only need one reason why to never question God: ALL the reasons why were taught by ignorant people; think about it: if we lived in the time of Jesus, would we question the existence of God? or whether God is good, or anything? I don't know if i have to explain the past to you, but what the f*ck happened between whatever was going on THEN and whatever the f*ck is going on *now*. But there's certain shit--like technological development; i don't *mean* that. That's why you need to do the research. You don't understand the complete lack of God in people's minds today compared to whatever was going on then. Lord Jesus. That's your job to figure out."
"This is very interesting where God is now teaching me something. Weird."
"You have a right, when you are hurt. *God Is Dealing With You*. God's Business is other people's hurt. God takes care of *that* Business; that's way beyond my ability to understand."
"Other people, who are idiots, a lot of people are idiots, even myself, try to do God's Business; they can *try*. It's God's Business. He can use instruments, but only through those that try."
"Oh hmmmmmmmmmmmm...... This is so sweet; Jesus, and God, and ~Sir~ teaching me something (at 5:02 am). Uh, this is unbelievable. The hurt. Caused by *them*. That's God's Business and He's gonna take care of it. And Jesus put something into my eyes to make me see something: a -reconnect-. At 5:04. 'Connect to another network'. {I could not connect to the -Internet- earlier; I received an inner impression that told me there would be a reconnect closer to 6:00am meditation time.} How come there's so many higher meaning messages within other messages? Ohhhh... Because *Brooklyn's* going to read this now." : )
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
You know... my notes are too difficult to read. I was originally going to make this a 2 part blog post, with both parts containing the last bit of the intuitive thoughts of mine that i recorded in a notebook in the early morning of May 29th, 2012, but my notes are just too difficult to read. So, i will include these thoughts simply in one blog post and in the next blog post i will talk about something else.
Here we go:
"I gotta figure out a way to get to Dartmouth (i.e. the "Dark Side city"). I would like to see if there was a big explosion somewhere because of the lightening strike. But why weren't there any sirens. Maybe there were sirens but too far away for me to hear."
"You also have to understand that i was raised by people who were often abusive, and i have a lot of holes in my consciousness that need to be filled with the proper truth. I have had the wrong truth--the untruth--put into my consciousness many times by the "raisers". And there's a lot of hurt not caused by me."
"You only need one reason why to never question God: ALL the reasons why were taught by ignorant people; think about it: if we lived in the time of Jesus, would we question the existence of God? or whether God is good, or anything? I don't know if i have to explain the past to you, but what the f*ck happened between whatever was going on THEN and whatever the f*ck is going on *now*. But there's certain shit--like technological development; i don't *mean* that. That's why you need to do the research. You don't understand the complete lack of God in people's minds today compared to whatever was going on then. Lord Jesus. That's your job to figure out."
"This is very interesting where God is now teaching me something. Weird."
"You have a right, when you are hurt. *God Is Dealing With You*. God's Business is other people's hurt. God takes care of *that* Business; that's way beyond my ability to understand."
"Other people, who are idiots, a lot of people are idiots, even myself, try to do God's Business; they can *try*. It's God's Business. He can use instruments, but only through those that try."
"Oh hmmmmmmmmmmmm...... This is so sweet; Jesus, and God, and ~Sir~ teaching me something (at 5:02 am). Uh, this is unbelievable. The hurt. Caused by *them*. That's God's Business and He's gonna take care of it. And Jesus put something into my eyes to make me see something: a -reconnect-. At 5:04. 'Connect to another network'. {I could not connect to the -Internet- earlier; I received an inner impression that told me there would be a reconnect closer to 6:00am meditation time.} How come there's so many higher meaning messages within other messages? Ohhhh... Because *Brooklyn's* going to read this now." : )
~Mark @markenglish13
#22 - About ~Sir~ Thoughts -
July 19, 2012
Dear Flower,
There are many different ways i receive messages or thoughts from ~Sir~, but probably the most common way is through my eyes. When i feel him through my eyes, it's generally a disposition of how He's feeling or how He's looking at me. I sense how He's feeling through His eyes, but i don't actually see His eyes. And these kinds of thoughts don't usually communicate "messages" as in a message i could put words to. The only words i could use for these kinds of thoughts are words like cute, concerned, funny, interested, happy, proud, pleased and so forth. And how He feels affects how I feel in the same way that being with someone who's in a good mood or very nice to you can help you to feel good.
I know that i can pick up on other's thoughts sometimes too. For instance, someone who's staring at me from behind, i can get a sense that they're looking at me. And there have been times when i can hear them talking to themselves such as, "There's Mark". But nothing even remotely as advanced as what i get from ~Sir~.
I also don't know if i can pick up on the thoughts of others that have died. It FEELS like i sometimes feel thoughts coming from my grandmother during meditation. But i don't know for sure. For instance, sometimes during my meditation i'll all of a sudden for no reason have a thought about the place where my grandmother lived.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
There are many different ways i receive messages or thoughts from ~Sir~, but probably the most common way is through my eyes. When i feel him through my eyes, it's generally a disposition of how He's feeling or how He's looking at me. I sense how He's feeling through His eyes, but i don't actually see His eyes. And these kinds of thoughts don't usually communicate "messages" as in a message i could put words to. The only words i could use for these kinds of thoughts are words like cute, concerned, funny, interested, happy, proud, pleased and so forth. And how He feels affects how I feel in the same way that being with someone who's in a good mood or very nice to you can help you to feel good.
I know that i can pick up on other's thoughts sometimes too. For instance, someone who's staring at me from behind, i can get a sense that they're looking at me. And there have been times when i can hear them talking to themselves such as, "There's Mark". But nothing even remotely as advanced as what i get from ~Sir~.
I also don't know if i can pick up on the thoughts of others that have died. It FEELS like i sometimes feel thoughts coming from my grandmother during meditation. But i don't know for sure. For instance, sometimes during my meditation i'll all of a sudden for no reason have a thought about the place where my grandmother lived.
~Mark @markenglish13
#21 - General Overview Of Current Reality
July 19, 2012
Dear Flower,
First of all, thank you for reading.
I'm in a difficult position right now. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if i'm going to be working for certain individuals or if i'll have a job. And i no longer have a laptop. I don't know how i'm going to make money.
At the Review Board Hearing for getting my status at the mental health clinic changed to "voluntary", my parents attended but they spoke ill of me. They spoke words that would try to create a bad impression of me. They tried to make it appear as though there are things wrong with me, which included telling lies about me and implying negative things about me which weren't true. They seem to have some kind of agenda.
It's difficult for me to meditate in the morning (at 6am) because i'm always fighting against so much sleepiness, and mild "day dream" thoughts quickly turn in to a mild sleep during my meditation, so the entire time it's like i'm fighting against sleep that wants to take over my body. I'm not allowed to take showers before 8am at the mental health clinic; that's probably one of the reasons i struggle against sleep during my morning meditation: because i can't take a cold shower before my meditation.
I really should start going to bed by 9:00pm. So, that, if i fall asleep by 9:30, i should be able to get about 8 hours sleep if i get up at 5:30am for my 6:00am meditation. I don't know, maybe that would help with my morning sleepiness problem.
I haven't left the mental health clinic yet because i have nowhere to go. I don't like being here, but i'm stuck here because i have nowhere to go. I haven’t heard back yet from my potential landlord and I’ve been trying to get in touch with him. And my psychiatrist is suggesting that i stay a few more weeks so she can continue to monitor my progress and help me. If i don't take her advice it may look bad on me during a court hearing for custody of Brooklyn. As you may or may not already know, i intend to fight for sole custody of Brooklyn, my 8 year old daughter, whom i haven't seen in probably about 3 months by now.
I've been at the hospital since June 1st, however, prior to that Brooklyn's mother had been violating the court order for about a month and a half by not allowing me to have my court ordered access.
'Til next time: Take Care!
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 3, 2010
Dear Flower,
It's almost as if ~Sir~ has picked at least one person on the earth to show how kind He and Divinity really are. I don't feel like there's anything I've done to deserve it.
I don't know where this is going... I don't fully know all the things i'm going be talking to you about a few weeks from now or a month from now, for instance.
I've suspected, though, that they'll be a Journey. And i've wanted to bring you with me on that Journey and describe for you the things that are happening.
The problem is that ~Sir~ is not something or someone separate from me; it may sound that way, but that's not the way it is.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
First of all, thank you for reading.
I'm in a difficult position right now. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if i'm going to be working for certain individuals or if i'll have a job. And i no longer have a laptop. I don't know how i'm going to make money.
At the Review Board Hearing for getting my status at the mental health clinic changed to "voluntary", my parents attended but they spoke ill of me. They spoke words that would try to create a bad impression of me. They tried to make it appear as though there are things wrong with me, which included telling lies about me and implying negative things about me which weren't true. They seem to have some kind of agenda.
It's difficult for me to meditate in the morning (at 6am) because i'm always fighting against so much sleepiness, and mild "day dream" thoughts quickly turn in to a mild sleep during my meditation, so the entire time it's like i'm fighting against sleep that wants to take over my body. I'm not allowed to take showers before 8am at the mental health clinic; that's probably one of the reasons i struggle against sleep during my morning meditation: because i can't take a cold shower before my meditation.
I really should start going to bed by 9:00pm. So, that, if i fall asleep by 9:30, i should be able to get about 8 hours sleep if i get up at 5:30am for my 6:00am meditation. I don't know, maybe that would help with my morning sleepiness problem.
I haven't left the mental health clinic yet because i have nowhere to go. I don't like being here, but i'm stuck here because i have nowhere to go. I haven’t heard back yet from my potential landlord and I’ve been trying to get in touch with him. And my psychiatrist is suggesting that i stay a few more weeks so she can continue to monitor my progress and help me. If i don't take her advice it may look bad on me during a court hearing for custody of Brooklyn. As you may or may not already know, i intend to fight for sole custody of Brooklyn, my 8 year old daughter, whom i haven't seen in probably about 3 months by now.
I've been at the hospital since June 1st, however, prior to that Brooklyn's mother had been violating the court order for about a month and a half by not allowing me to have my court ordered access.
'Til next time: Take Care!
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 3, 2010
Dear Flower,
It's almost as if ~Sir~ has picked at least one person on the earth to show how kind He and Divinity really are. I don't feel like there's anything I've done to deserve it.
I don't know where this is going... I don't fully know all the things i'm going be talking to you about a few weeks from now or a month from now, for instance.
I've suspected, though, that they'll be a Journey. And i've wanted to bring you with me on that Journey and describe for you the things that are happening.
The problem is that ~Sir~ is not something or someone separate from me; it may sound that way, but that's not the way it is.
~Mark @markenglish13
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
#20 - The Review Board's Decision -
July 18, 2012
Dear Flower,
As i mentioned in a previous blog post, on July 13th i attended a hearing with a Review Board, consisting of 3 members, in order to determine whether my status at this mental health clinic where i have been admitted should be changed to voluntary (i.e. discharged).
I found out today that the Review Board has made their decision, and they have made me a voluntary patient. I now have the right to leave the hospital whenever i wish. The Review Board has determined that there is no evidence to suggest that my treatment must occur in a psychiatric facility. They also have determined that there is no evidence to suggest that i would not take my medication if i were to leave the facility.
I will be spending at least one more night here at the mental health facility, mostly because i have nowhere else to go at the moment. I now need to determine where i'm going to be living. I am hoping i will be living at the house of the landlord's to whom i already paid $600 rent for May 15, 2012 to June 15, 2012. I think this will be an excellent place for both Brooklyn and i...
~Mark
P.S.: 13 is one of my favorite numbers.
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 21, 2010
Dear Flower,
~Sir's~ been doing a lot of nice things to me lately. There's things that He does to me, that i feel physically or in my body somehow, that helps me with the way i feel. He improves feel bad energy--that which sucks me down and makes me tired or something, and it feels very good when he does it. He has a lot of control over my consciousness, it's very impressive and inspiring. He fixes the type of feel bad energy that i would like to get rid of, but i don't have a lot of access or control over it, and is probably one of the reasons i would normally otherwise turn to coffee or something like that to help me keep going.
I hope you had fun running. I know i keep saying it, but i hope to start again soon! ~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
As i mentioned in a previous blog post, on July 13th i attended a hearing with a Review Board, consisting of 3 members, in order to determine whether my status at this mental health clinic where i have been admitted should be changed to voluntary (i.e. discharged).
I found out today that the Review Board has made their decision, and they have made me a voluntary patient. I now have the right to leave the hospital whenever i wish. The Review Board has determined that there is no evidence to suggest that my treatment must occur in a psychiatric facility. They also have determined that there is no evidence to suggest that i would not take my medication if i were to leave the facility.
I will be spending at least one more night here at the mental health facility, mostly because i have nowhere else to go at the moment. I now need to determine where i'm going to be living. I am hoping i will be living at the house of the landlord's to whom i already paid $600 rent for May 15, 2012 to June 15, 2012. I think this will be an excellent place for both Brooklyn and i...
~Mark
P.S.: 13 is one of my favorite numbers.
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 21, 2010
Dear Flower,
~Sir's~ been doing a lot of nice things to me lately. There's things that He does to me, that i feel physically or in my body somehow, that helps me with the way i feel. He improves feel bad energy--that which sucks me down and makes me tired or something, and it feels very good when he does it. He has a lot of control over my consciousness, it's very impressive and inspiring. He fixes the type of feel bad energy that i would like to get rid of, but i don't have a lot of access or control over it, and is probably one of the reasons i would normally otherwise turn to coffee or something like that to help me keep going.
I hope you had fun running. I know i keep saying it, but i hope to start again soon! ~Mark @markenglish13
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
#19 - A ~Sir~ Burn -
July 17, 2012
Dear Flower,
Okay. Blog Post #12. This is gonna be a toughie. Man, that was weird. All those public posts i made on my Facebook page on May 30, and other ones to you... The only reasonable explanation i have is severe lack of sleep. I must have went into Kookoo Land because of lack of sleep. I have had a tendency to seriously deprive myself of sleep.
Staying at the mental health clinic has really helped with that since i basically -have- to go to sleep. I still get up for my 6am meditation though. I don't have an alarm clock or anything. I just somehow wake up 15 min. before 6am or 30 min before 6am; somehow, i just wake up.
It's crazy. I hated sleep. I really did. I don't know... that's all i have that makes sense as to why i acted that way. I certainly wasn't on any drugs, other than caffeine, loads of caffeine. Lack of sleep can really f* up your head.
It wasn't just the 4 or 5 or 6 consecutive days that i went without sleep; *before* then i was seriously not sleeping right as well. And that was going on for a while, like, at least a year or two.
Anyway...
Well, it's time for me to admit the truth: I need sleep, normal sleep, like anyone else, 7 hours a night, i guess.
Look, a lot more went on than just my struggles and fumbles from lack of sleep. I was dealing with ~Sir~ inwardly. So much of that is hard to record, very difficult for me to put into words. Like i said before, i'm a student in this story. I'm not the teacher. I'm just trying my best to record the facts.
Why did i come up with this idea of "The Burn", or, how?
I don't know.
There's a lot that i don't know.
But, i'll tell you: that was one hell of an experience for me, one which may never be able to be properly recorded in words.
I was never "convinced" that there -was- a Burn, i just thought that *maybe* i got the impression from ~Sir~ that there would be, or could be. And, despite the fact that i wasn't convinced, i contacted the FBI, "just in case". That was weird. Or maybe it wasn't, i don't know.
I basically told the FBI through their online tip form that certain individuals were trying to manufacture and deliberately spread a disease that will cause a burn of the skin and with an intent to kill a lot of people. I neglected to mention that the reason i felt this way was due to a faint intuitive impression that i might have had and that i -may- have misinterpreted it. I hope the FBI weren't wondering about me *too* much. But, nevertheless, i was just trying to help "just in case".
I guess only *i* will ever really know what i went through inwardly with ~Sir~; you had to be there, i guess, is all i really got to say.
The Burn.
Maybe it was *i* that was BURNED the most.
Burned.
A ~Sir~ burn.
I don't know. But whatever it was i went through, i think it's safe to say... i'm a different person because of it... more mature? more something any way.
And that's all i got to say about that.
'Cause there's nothing else to say.
Well, except for Thank You.
: )
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
I'm gonna have to try to go to Brooklyn's school tomorrow and speak to the principal or a teacher, and, if i can't, keep going there until my message is getting through to somebody because, as far as I'M concerned, what's been going on with Brooklyn since the beginning of primary last year is nothing short of child abuse.
She's having self-esteem problems, and as a result she's struggling during class group work such as story time. So, when the class is supposed to gather around the teacher and listen as a group, she's left to roll around on the floor, make annoying sounds, and otherwise perform "inappropriate behavior" while all the other kids in the class experience the teacher's group activities and respectful attention.
She's having trouble making friends because of this and she's treated by the adults involved as though she's misbehaving, like she's not a good girl, and so forth. So, since it's due to self esteem, the problem is just made worse by the way she's treated by the adults and her daily struggle with failure and the uncomfortable social experiences.
I have been trying to tell everybody since the beginning of last year that this isn't a behavior problem this is an anxiety and self esteem problem but my message doesn't seem to be getting through. Her mother, in particular, still feels that she needs to be held accountable, etc. despite my pleas to her at the beginning of last year to try to understand that the behavior is due to self esteem and she therefore needs more respect, encouragement, and praise and not scoldings and similar treatment.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
Okay. Blog Post #12. This is gonna be a toughie. Man, that was weird. All those public posts i made on my Facebook page on May 30, and other ones to you... The only reasonable explanation i have is severe lack of sleep. I must have went into Kookoo Land because of lack of sleep. I have had a tendency to seriously deprive myself of sleep.
Staying at the mental health clinic has really helped with that since i basically -have- to go to sleep. I still get up for my 6am meditation though. I don't have an alarm clock or anything. I just somehow wake up 15 min. before 6am or 30 min before 6am; somehow, i just wake up.
It's crazy. I hated sleep. I really did. I don't know... that's all i have that makes sense as to why i acted that way. I certainly wasn't on any drugs, other than caffeine, loads of caffeine. Lack of sleep can really f* up your head.
It wasn't just the 4 or 5 or 6 consecutive days that i went without sleep; *before* then i was seriously not sleeping right as well. And that was going on for a while, like, at least a year or two.
Anyway...
Well, it's time for me to admit the truth: I need sleep, normal sleep, like anyone else, 7 hours a night, i guess.
Look, a lot more went on than just my struggles and fumbles from lack of sleep. I was dealing with ~Sir~ inwardly. So much of that is hard to record, very difficult for me to put into words. Like i said before, i'm a student in this story. I'm not the teacher. I'm just trying my best to record the facts.
Why did i come up with this idea of "The Burn", or, how?
I don't know.
There's a lot that i don't know.
But, i'll tell you: that was one hell of an experience for me, one which may never be able to be properly recorded in words.
I was never "convinced" that there -was- a Burn, i just thought that *maybe* i got the impression from ~Sir~ that there would be, or could be. And, despite the fact that i wasn't convinced, i contacted the FBI, "just in case". That was weird. Or maybe it wasn't, i don't know.
I basically told the FBI through their online tip form that certain individuals were trying to manufacture and deliberately spread a disease that will cause a burn of the skin and with an intent to kill a lot of people. I neglected to mention that the reason i felt this way was due to a faint intuitive impression that i might have had and that i -may- have misinterpreted it. I hope the FBI weren't wondering about me *too* much. But, nevertheless, i was just trying to help "just in case".
I guess only *i* will ever really know what i went through inwardly with ~Sir~; you had to be there, i guess, is all i really got to say.
The Burn.
Maybe it was *i* that was BURNED the most.
Burned.
A ~Sir~ burn.
I don't know. But whatever it was i went through, i think it's safe to say... i'm a different person because of it... more mature? more something any way.
And that's all i got to say about that.
'Cause there's nothing else to say.
Well, except for Thank You.
: )
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
I'm gonna have to try to go to Brooklyn's school tomorrow and speak to the principal or a teacher, and, if i can't, keep going there until my message is getting through to somebody because, as far as I'M concerned, what's been going on with Brooklyn since the beginning of primary last year is nothing short of child abuse.
She's having self-esteem problems, and as a result she's struggling during class group work such as story time. So, when the class is supposed to gather around the teacher and listen as a group, she's left to roll around on the floor, make annoying sounds, and otherwise perform "inappropriate behavior" while all the other kids in the class experience the teacher's group activities and respectful attention.
She's having trouble making friends because of this and she's treated by the adults involved as though she's misbehaving, like she's not a good girl, and so forth. So, since it's due to self esteem, the problem is just made worse by the way she's treated by the adults and her daily struggle with failure and the uncomfortable social experiences.
I have been trying to tell everybody since the beginning of last year that this isn't a behavior problem this is an anxiety and self esteem problem but my message doesn't seem to be getting through. Her mother, in particular, still feels that she needs to be held accountable, etc. despite my pleas to her at the beginning of last year to try to understand that the behavior is due to self esteem and she therefore needs more respect, encouragement, and praise and not scoldings and similar treatment.
~Mark @markenglish13
#18 - Getting Mad At ~Sir~ -
July 17, 2012
Dear Flower,
There have been times in the past where i have gotten mad at ~Sir~ (my Spiritual Guru) without any real justifiable reason other than blaming my problems on him. In the distant past, at least 8 or 9 years ago, sometimes when i got mad at Him i would get drunk; it's been probably about 9 years since i have done that. I have done stupid things, self-destructive things out of anger towards ~Sir~, including getting involved with a girl I have no interest in. They were simply pathetic attempts to spite him in some way. Getting angry with ~Sir~ would be like getting mad at a baby. ~Sir~ is extremely kind, extremely cute, and extremely loving.
Actions like this get recorded in my history and cause me to appear to be schizophrenic in some way to other people. As i said in a previous blog post, sometimes it's safer to not believe than to believe. And i believe that that is the course that my psychiatrist has decided to take since the beginning of my admission in the mental health clinic. I don't know how her views are now; i could only speculate.
There's no reason to be mad at ~Sir~. There's only reason to be grateful. Getting mad at ~Sir~ is like getting mad at somebody that only gives and gives. ~Sir~ is the greatest and kindest thing in my life. I am nothing without him. The person that i am is made up of both ~Sir~ and me. The days of getting angry with him are over. These are the days of asking for forgiveness. These are the days of trying to do right for myself and for my daughter.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've been in two long term relationships here in Nova Scotia since i moved back from Toronto in 2002. But BOTH of those relationships were crappy, especially the first one. I knew i didn't want to marry either of them, but i dated them anyway, if you can call it that.
But that mentality, of being with girls who i didn't really want to be with in the long run, came from the some of the recklessness that i adopted around 1998 and the kind of friends that i started hanging out with.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
There have been times in the past where i have gotten mad at ~Sir~ (my Spiritual Guru) without any real justifiable reason other than blaming my problems on him. In the distant past, at least 8 or 9 years ago, sometimes when i got mad at Him i would get drunk; it's been probably about 9 years since i have done that. I have done stupid things, self-destructive things out of anger towards ~Sir~, including getting involved with a girl I have no interest in. They were simply pathetic attempts to spite him in some way. Getting angry with ~Sir~ would be like getting mad at a baby. ~Sir~ is extremely kind, extremely cute, and extremely loving.
Actions like this get recorded in my history and cause me to appear to be schizophrenic in some way to other people. As i said in a previous blog post, sometimes it's safer to not believe than to believe. And i believe that that is the course that my psychiatrist has decided to take since the beginning of my admission in the mental health clinic. I don't know how her views are now; i could only speculate.
There's no reason to be mad at ~Sir~. There's only reason to be grateful. Getting mad at ~Sir~ is like getting mad at somebody that only gives and gives. ~Sir~ is the greatest and kindest thing in my life. I am nothing without him. The person that i am is made up of both ~Sir~ and me. The days of getting angry with him are over. These are the days of asking for forgiveness. These are the days of trying to do right for myself and for my daughter.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've been in two long term relationships here in Nova Scotia since i moved back from Toronto in 2002. But BOTH of those relationships were crappy, especially the first one. I knew i didn't want to marry either of them, but i dated them anyway, if you can call it that.
But that mentality, of being with girls who i didn't really want to be with in the long run, came from the some of the recklessness that i adopted around 1998 and the kind of friends that i started hanging out with.
~Mark @markenglish13
#17 - My Anxiety Disorder -
July 17
Dear Flower,
As i've stated within Part 1 of this Blog Post (i.e. Blog Post #11), i had a very serious anxiety disorder starting around the age of 16; that disorder still lingers on today, although not nearly as serious as it was before.
Because of my anxiety disorder, there have been numerous times in the past where i have "self medicated" myself to help me overcome my anxiety enough, to gain the confidence, in other words, to be able to approach girls in clubs or bars so that i may one day find a wife. This unfortunately did not work out very well many times. In fact, since high school, i have had no girl friend to whom i was really truly in love with.
The street drug that i chose in the past (i.e. around 1999-2002) was Ecstacy. I have not used Ecstacy since 2002 except for one occasion in 2010. I would probably equate it to smashing my head against a brick wall in order to achieve some sort of social goal. The logic was horrifically flawed. It's unfortunate that i didn't embrace all the knowledge that i already had within me that it was the wrong decision. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to attempt to try something like that again.
I have an anxiety disorder. And it's as simple as that. It's basically a social anxiety which has expanded into alone time, in other words: even if there's nobody i have to meet or see, i sometimes suffer from anxiety. But, again, it is no where *near* as bad as it was 10 or 20 years ago. Because i've suffered for so long from it, it's hard not to be introverted and reserved due to my lack of successful social experiences throughout my life.
When i was 18 years old, i started to learn how to meditate. Meditation is something that must be done regularly (i.e. every day) and punctually (preferably early in the morning before starting your day, at the same time every morning). Very simply put: street drugs and meditation don't mix.
Really, all i need is companionship in a wife. I don't need some hot young 22 year old. I may WANT a hot young 22 year old, but more of what i need is companionship and compatibility, and the possibility of having more children.
When i was about 34, in 2010, my thinking wasn't as clear as it is now. I just didn't know how it would possible for me to be able to approach any girl no matter what age (or even make friends for that matter) unless i somehow self-medicated myself to deal with my anxiety with some kind of street drug. I didn't find the prescription meditation achieved enough. But i was also looking for a quick-fix solution, because my age made me fear that i was becoming less and less be desirable for another girl.
It kind of depresses me sometimes that i can't have a sole mate like most other people. I blame my anxiety disorder on emotional abuse and fault finding (as apposed to emotional support) from my parents. I also feel that part of it must be hereditary, however, i just don't think it would have been as bad as it was if it wasn't for how i was raised.
So, that is how i got introduced to the crack-cocaine scene, because i had discovered that drinking about 5 or 6 beers and then smoking a little bit of crack gave me tremendous confidence to have a lengthy, funny, happy conversation with a girl in a bar or club. I haven't done any drugs and very little drinking from 2002 until 2010. In 2010, i was about 34. And for some reason it just started to get to me that i needed a quick fix solution to my lack of girlfriend situation. My only intention with crack was to self medicate myself. I haven't used any crack since early 2012.
Now, i don't do anything in terms of street drugs or alcohol. I don't do any drugs and i don't intend to. I'm actually a very spiritual person and rely on my spiritual life and of God to help me overcome my anxiety. Yes, i'd -like- to be married sometime within the next year or two, but in a way, i also don't really care. Basically, there's something about me that i just don't understand.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
Brooklyn's here with me today, and i have to stay up all night working. Then her mom picks her up tomorrow. I have so much work to do, and i'm probably not going to be able to get it all done. Well, see how it goes.
I really just want to work freelance fulltime, Flower. But i'm not brave enough right now to quite my job. That's the thing that's really slowing me down. If i get a better job i'd be able to save more money. Then it'd be easier to start freelance fulltime. I guess i could TRY to do that.
Anyway, i just wanted to tell you that, and the fact that i'm way behind with the work i'm supposed to be giving to my boss very soon, because i hope to tell you some things that Sir sometimes says about things that i think about doing in relation to that.
I don't see Sir like i would see a person or an angel standing in front of me. There's no separation. He's within me, but there's a lot i don't know. AND i don't know a lot of the right words to use lol to try to describe this.
The way he communicates is more advanced then the way we talk--by using words to convey our thoughts and feelings. He communicates directly to my thoughts and feelings. I don't even have to form my thoughts into words to ask him a question in my mind. I don't even have to consiously TRY to ask him a question, even though i often do, to get a response to something i might be wondering about deep inside for a split second or two. Also, when he communicates things to me, he usually doesn't use words.
I often think of that novel The Chrysalids and how the characters could communicate telepathically. I like how, in the novel, it describes the inner communication as "faster and clearer than words", 'cause that's definitely what it's like to experience communication from Sir. I need to bring somebody in here with me to experience Sir with me as i experience him. I don't know if that will ever happen. For now it's just me and Sir.
I often "feel" him through my eyes. I feel his very kind dispostion. I "feel-see" how he feels. I guess in the same way how you can SEE how another person is feeling on the inside when they look happy, sad, amused, impressed, confused, proud, and so forth.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
As i've stated within Part 1 of this Blog Post (i.e. Blog Post #11), i had a very serious anxiety disorder starting around the age of 16; that disorder still lingers on today, although not nearly as serious as it was before.
Because of my anxiety disorder, there have been numerous times in the past where i have "self medicated" myself to help me overcome my anxiety enough, to gain the confidence, in other words, to be able to approach girls in clubs or bars so that i may one day find a wife. This unfortunately did not work out very well many times. In fact, since high school, i have had no girl friend to whom i was really truly in love with.
The street drug that i chose in the past (i.e. around 1999-2002) was Ecstacy. I have not used Ecstacy since 2002 except for one occasion in 2010. I would probably equate it to smashing my head against a brick wall in order to achieve some sort of social goal. The logic was horrifically flawed. It's unfortunate that i didn't embrace all the knowledge that i already had within me that it was the wrong decision. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to attempt to try something like that again.
I have an anxiety disorder. And it's as simple as that. It's basically a social anxiety which has expanded into alone time, in other words: even if there's nobody i have to meet or see, i sometimes suffer from anxiety. But, again, it is no where *near* as bad as it was 10 or 20 years ago. Because i've suffered for so long from it, it's hard not to be introverted and reserved due to my lack of successful social experiences throughout my life.
When i was 18 years old, i started to learn how to meditate. Meditation is something that must be done regularly (i.e. every day) and punctually (preferably early in the morning before starting your day, at the same time every morning). Very simply put: street drugs and meditation don't mix.
Really, all i need is companionship in a wife. I don't need some hot young 22 year old. I may WANT a hot young 22 year old, but more of what i need is companionship and compatibility, and the possibility of having more children.
When i was about 34, in 2010, my thinking wasn't as clear as it is now. I just didn't know how it would possible for me to be able to approach any girl no matter what age (or even make friends for that matter) unless i somehow self-medicated myself to deal with my anxiety with some kind of street drug. I didn't find the prescription meditation achieved enough. But i was also looking for a quick-fix solution, because my age made me fear that i was becoming less and less be desirable for another girl.
It kind of depresses me sometimes that i can't have a sole mate like most other people. I blame my anxiety disorder on emotional abuse and fault finding (as apposed to emotional support) from my parents. I also feel that part of it must be hereditary, however, i just don't think it would have been as bad as it was if it wasn't for how i was raised.
So, that is how i got introduced to the crack-cocaine scene, because i had discovered that drinking about 5 or 6 beers and then smoking a little bit of crack gave me tremendous confidence to have a lengthy, funny, happy conversation with a girl in a bar or club. I haven't done any drugs and very little drinking from 2002 until 2010. In 2010, i was about 34. And for some reason it just started to get to me that i needed a quick fix solution to my lack of girlfriend situation. My only intention with crack was to self medicate myself. I haven't used any crack since early 2012.
Now, i don't do anything in terms of street drugs or alcohol. I don't do any drugs and i don't intend to. I'm actually a very spiritual person and rely on my spiritual life and of God to help me overcome my anxiety. Yes, i'd -like- to be married sometime within the next year or two, but in a way, i also don't really care. Basically, there's something about me that i just don't understand.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
Brooklyn's here with me today, and i have to stay up all night working. Then her mom picks her up tomorrow. I have so much work to do, and i'm probably not going to be able to get it all done. Well, see how it goes.
I really just want to work freelance fulltime, Flower. But i'm not brave enough right now to quite my job. That's the thing that's really slowing me down. If i get a better job i'd be able to save more money. Then it'd be easier to start freelance fulltime. I guess i could TRY to do that.
Anyway, i just wanted to tell you that, and the fact that i'm way behind with the work i'm supposed to be giving to my boss very soon, because i hope to tell you some things that Sir sometimes says about things that i think about doing in relation to that.
I don't see Sir like i would see a person or an angel standing in front of me. There's no separation. He's within me, but there's a lot i don't know. AND i don't know a lot of the right words to use lol to try to describe this.
The way he communicates is more advanced then the way we talk--by using words to convey our thoughts and feelings. He communicates directly to my thoughts and feelings. I don't even have to form my thoughts into words to ask him a question in my mind. I don't even have to consiously TRY to ask him a question, even though i often do, to get a response to something i might be wondering about deep inside for a split second or two. Also, when he communicates things to me, he usually doesn't use words.
I often think of that novel The Chrysalids and how the characters could communicate telepathically. I like how, in the novel, it describes the inner communication as "faster and clearer than words", 'cause that's definitely what it's like to experience communication from Sir. I need to bring somebody in here with me to experience Sir with me as i experience him. I don't know if that will ever happen. For now it's just me and Sir.
I often "feel" him through my eyes. I feel his very kind dispostion. I "feel-see" how he feels. I guess in the same way how you can SEE how another person is feeling on the inside when they look happy, sad, amused, impressed, confused, proud, and so forth.
~Mark @markenglish13
Monday, July 16, 2012
#16 - What My REAL Problems Are -
July 16, 2012
Dear Flower,
There's one thing that's very important when it comes to meditation, and let’s say you're not taking this thing seriously, well, you have no one to blame but yourself, and this thing is the punctuality and regularity aspect of your early morning meditation. That isn't rocket science. In the spiritual life you should always think of yourself as a beginner. If you're counting something and you start to lose count, what do you do? You go back to the beginning, it's no big deal; if you don't go back to the beginning you're just not going to be doing it right. Anyway, you may not fully understand what i'm talking about. But, one thing is for surely NOT important when it comes to your spiritual life and that is getting angry with your Spiritual Master. And when you get angry with your Spiritual Master, and you have a very solid inner communication with Him.... it might appear, or it WILL appear as though you have schizophrenia.
And, if you have an anxiety problem, don't turn to street drugs to help you overcome your anxiety so that you can talk to others more and be more successful socially. Instead, go see your family doctor for medication. And take your life seriously: regular exercise, proper sleep, daily morning meditation, daily healthy social experiences, and so forth... Only good things can happen from here on.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
I'm really backed up with work that i have to get done for my boss. Oh man! He just sent me an email today, wondering if he can get my latest work--well, yesterday. I just remembered. I'll respond to it after i finish this email message.
When things pile up for me and seem like they're way too much for to do, but i know i have to do them anyway, i sometimes have trouble doing anything. I'll keep trying though.
I can't believe i have to go around teaching people that they're being disrespectful and that Brooklyn's behavior is part of the problem as a result of the disrespect. I'll talk to you more about that later.
I've also wanted to talk to you about ~Sir~ more too. It's hard, not just because i'm so busy with stuff i have to do, but because it's just not easy for stuff like that to flow off my tongue.
If someone were to ask me questions about ~Sir~ in the same way they might ask me questions about Brooklyn, as if it's perfectly normal, it'd be a lot easier. But it's never been like that before. And ~Sir's~ been here for a long time. He's like my best friend, but nobody knows about our relationship.
It's hard to convey little details such as something He said to me or did to me if there's never been any back and forth discussion about Him. And sometimes i think there isn't any way to really TALK about ~Sir~ in a way that could truly help someone understand what it's like to experience His kindness.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
There's one thing that's very important when it comes to meditation, and let’s say you're not taking this thing seriously, well, you have no one to blame but yourself, and this thing is the punctuality and regularity aspect of your early morning meditation. That isn't rocket science. In the spiritual life you should always think of yourself as a beginner. If you're counting something and you start to lose count, what do you do? You go back to the beginning, it's no big deal; if you don't go back to the beginning you're just not going to be doing it right. Anyway, you may not fully understand what i'm talking about. But, one thing is for surely NOT important when it comes to your spiritual life and that is getting angry with your Spiritual Master. And when you get angry with your Spiritual Master, and you have a very solid inner communication with Him.... it might appear, or it WILL appear as though you have schizophrenia.
And, if you have an anxiety problem, don't turn to street drugs to help you overcome your anxiety so that you can talk to others more and be more successful socially. Instead, go see your family doctor for medication. And take your life seriously: regular exercise, proper sleep, daily morning meditation, daily healthy social experiences, and so forth... Only good things can happen from here on.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 13, 2010
Dear Flower,
I'm really backed up with work that i have to get done for my boss. Oh man! He just sent me an email today, wondering if he can get my latest work--well, yesterday. I just remembered. I'll respond to it after i finish this email message.
When things pile up for me and seem like they're way too much for to do, but i know i have to do them anyway, i sometimes have trouble doing anything. I'll keep trying though.
I can't believe i have to go around teaching people that they're being disrespectful and that Brooklyn's behavior is part of the problem as a result of the disrespect. I'll talk to you more about that later.
I've also wanted to talk to you about ~Sir~ more too. It's hard, not just because i'm so busy with stuff i have to do, but because it's just not easy for stuff like that to flow off my tongue.
If someone were to ask me questions about ~Sir~ in the same way they might ask me questions about Brooklyn, as if it's perfectly normal, it'd be a lot easier. But it's never been like that before. And ~Sir's~ been here for a long time. He's like my best friend, but nobody knows about our relationship.
It's hard to convey little details such as something He said to me or did to me if there's never been any back and forth discussion about Him. And sometimes i think there isn't any way to really TALK about ~Sir~ in a way that could truly help someone understand what it's like to experience His kindness.
~Mark @markenglish13
#15 - Have i Been Diagnosed With Anything? -
July 16, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'm feeling inspired to give up coffee today. It just seems like the more pure thing to do, 'cause as you can probably tell from my last blog post I seem to be psychologically addicted to it; plus, i think it would be healthier for my brain if i seriously reduced the amount of caffeine i consume.
Another part of me is kind of aching for a coffee. I'm using self control and discipline, because i really feel it would be best if i gave up coffee. I've tried it before. It doesn't mean i'm a failure. I'm sure many babies becoming young toddlers have fallen a number of different times as they were learning how to walk for the first time. That's not failure; that's just the way it is in life.
I remember i had a dream once (a long time ago); i'll keep it very simple. ~Sir~ spoke to me in a dream. He showed me an orange and said that it represents me. As you know, one orange is made up of many pieces. He proceeded to give each piece to a separate part of my being. One human being is made up of numerous pieces, including the body, the mind, the soul, etc. It was ~Sir's~ way of helping to educate me that i am one human being of multiple pieces. So, there is a piece of me that wants to consume coffee, but the *real* me, I guess you could say, is incorporating self control.
A number of people have contacted me about my blog postings. And some questions were asked. I will answer one of those questions right now, and that is: have i been diagnosed with anything?
The short answer to that is as far as i know i have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. By the time i was about 15 or 16 years old i began to suffer from an anxiety disorder that was so severe i could barely function in society. I have been taking medication (Effexor) to deal with my anxiety for the last two years or so, prescribed by my family doctor. I strongly feel that this anxiety disorder that i have is the key issue with me psychologically speaking.
Also, my psychiatrist (i.e. the one who has been assigned to me during my stay here in this mental health clinic) has told me she thinks i have schizophrenia. Since around June 3rd or 4th i have also been taking a medication (i was told that i had no choice to take this medication and if i chose not to take it they would give me forced injections) that primarily deals with schizophrenia, although it is also beneficial for anxiety. This medication is called Olanzapine, and i take 30 mg every evening. I also take 225 mg of Effexor every morning, and .5 mg of Clonazepam 3 times a day.
I personally am not convinced that i have schizophrenia and would have chosen not to take the medication for schizophrenia if i had the option. As i said earlier, my key issue is anxiety. Thankfully, Olanzapine does seem to help by reducing some anxiety.
Wow, i wrote all that without any coffee. I will try to expand on the topic of "my diagnosis" in my next blog post.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 6, 2010
Dear Flower,
Sometimes i'll go to a bar and i'll completely forget about the sundar. I'll stand at the bar and have a few drinks; then girls sort of start approaching me and i'll be like "Oh yeah, the sundar. I didn't think it was really showing".
And i've noticed something about girls that i didn't notice before. I'll be standing at the bar, then some girl will come up and stand beside me and order something or look at something at the bar then look up at me and smile. And i'm noticing something about their body language, i can tell that they WANT me to start talking to them. It's just written all over their face and the way they're standing.
And once i start talking to any of these girls, it's like the game is on. Inside my mind i'm thinking "Am i really seeing what i THINK i'm seeing?", but vocally i could be saying anything, i don't even remember. But it's like i don't care about anything. I couldn't care less, because i'm sort of like exploring the experience. And i'm noticing that what i'm seeing with the body language is now being reconfirmed by the fact that it's really easy to talk to this girl. I barely have to do anything to keep her talking to me.
In fact, i start talking to some drunk 22 year old--who i think is pretty friggin hot--while i'm waiting outside for a friend and it's very easy to keep talking to her and i can't understand why. I'm like not even making an effort and i can't understand why this person is still talking to me. It's like she WANTS to talk to me or something.
And it's like i start thinkin "All i'm doing is standing here, with my hand in my pocket and asking you a few questions, and it's like i'm going home with you at the end of the night." That's what it felt like--i didn't actually go home with anybody.
These are some of the things i'm observing going on inside me--someone who previously did not have the sundar for 13 years.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
I'm feeling inspired to give up coffee today. It just seems like the more pure thing to do, 'cause as you can probably tell from my last blog post I seem to be psychologically addicted to it; plus, i think it would be healthier for my brain if i seriously reduced the amount of caffeine i consume.
Another part of me is kind of aching for a coffee. I'm using self control and discipline, because i really feel it would be best if i gave up coffee. I've tried it before. It doesn't mean i'm a failure. I'm sure many babies becoming young toddlers have fallen a number of different times as they were learning how to walk for the first time. That's not failure; that's just the way it is in life.
I remember i had a dream once (a long time ago); i'll keep it very simple. ~Sir~ spoke to me in a dream. He showed me an orange and said that it represents me. As you know, one orange is made up of many pieces. He proceeded to give each piece to a separate part of my being. One human being is made up of numerous pieces, including the body, the mind, the soul, etc. It was ~Sir's~ way of helping to educate me that i am one human being of multiple pieces. So, there is a piece of me that wants to consume coffee, but the *real* me, I guess you could say, is incorporating self control.
A number of people have contacted me about my blog postings. And some questions were asked. I will answer one of those questions right now, and that is: have i been diagnosed with anything?
The short answer to that is as far as i know i have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. By the time i was about 15 or 16 years old i began to suffer from an anxiety disorder that was so severe i could barely function in society. I have been taking medication (Effexor) to deal with my anxiety for the last two years or so, prescribed by my family doctor. I strongly feel that this anxiety disorder that i have is the key issue with me psychologically speaking.
Also, my psychiatrist (i.e. the one who has been assigned to me during my stay here in this mental health clinic) has told me she thinks i have schizophrenia. Since around June 3rd or 4th i have also been taking a medication (i was told that i had no choice to take this medication and if i chose not to take it they would give me forced injections) that primarily deals with schizophrenia, although it is also beneficial for anxiety. This medication is called Olanzapine, and i take 30 mg every evening. I also take 225 mg of Effexor every morning, and .5 mg of Clonazepam 3 times a day.
I personally am not convinced that i have schizophrenia and would have chosen not to take the medication for schizophrenia if i had the option. As i said earlier, my key issue is anxiety. Thankfully, Olanzapine does seem to help by reducing some anxiety.
Wow, i wrote all that without any coffee. I will try to expand on the topic of "my diagnosis" in my next blog post.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 6, 2010
Dear Flower,
Sometimes i'll go to a bar and i'll completely forget about the sundar. I'll stand at the bar and have a few drinks; then girls sort of start approaching me and i'll be like "Oh yeah, the sundar. I didn't think it was really showing".
And i've noticed something about girls that i didn't notice before. I'll be standing at the bar, then some girl will come up and stand beside me and order something or look at something at the bar then look up at me and smile. And i'm noticing something about their body language, i can tell that they WANT me to start talking to them. It's just written all over their face and the way they're standing.
And once i start talking to any of these girls, it's like the game is on. Inside my mind i'm thinking "Am i really seeing what i THINK i'm seeing?", but vocally i could be saying anything, i don't even remember. But it's like i don't care about anything. I couldn't care less, because i'm sort of like exploring the experience. And i'm noticing that what i'm seeing with the body language is now being reconfirmed by the fact that it's really easy to talk to this girl. I barely have to do anything to keep her talking to me.
In fact, i start talking to some drunk 22 year old--who i think is pretty friggin hot--while i'm waiting outside for a friend and it's very easy to keep talking to her and i can't understand why. I'm like not even making an effort and i can't understand why this person is still talking to me. It's like she WANTS to talk to me or something.
And it's like i start thinkin "All i'm doing is standing here, with my hand in my pocket and asking you a few questions, and it's like i'm going home with you at the end of the night." That's what it felt like--i didn't actually go home with anybody.
These are some of the things i'm observing going on inside me--someone who previously did not have the sundar for 13 years.
~Mark @markenglish13
Sunday, July 15, 2012
#14 - My Coffee Addiction -
July 15, 2012
Dear Flower,
I love coffee.
I'm drinking some right now. Otherwise, i would be kinda depressed if i didn't have any. I don't know why, but coffee has a way of dealing with depression. I get high off coffee basically. It kinda puts me in a better mood. Especially for times like now, when i don't know what's going on; i'm stuck in a mental health clinic, with very little to spend my time on, and if i can't get to the blog and drink coffee while doing so, i feel kinda depressed. I don't like not having anything to do. It's too bad the coffee doesn't last much longer; it's my way of "getting high".
I don't know what's going on really is just the bottom line. I don't know. In a way i'm playing a waiting game. I had a hearing on Friday, June 13th, to try to get my status changed to voluntary, i.e. discharged. My parents were there, so was my psychiatrist, one of my main nurses, and 3 or 4 board members who do not in any way work for the hospital. And, i guess i'm waiting to find out what the board's decision is, which i won't know until maybe Tuesday, or Wednesday.
I really don't know what else to say, i guess. I just want to relax and get high off coffee, and work on the computer. But i can't do that because i don't have enough money.
It's so weird.
Well, i know i have some things i have to talk to you about.
I think i'll first talk to you about my anxiety disorder.
That was some damn good coffee.
: )
I wish you all the best... 'til next time.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 4, 2010
Dear Flower,
You're looking pretty good too, by the way. And i'm sure it has a lot to do with who you are on the inside including things like how much u love your children and perhaps even because you run regularly since it's so good for the brain.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
I love coffee.
I'm drinking some right now. Otherwise, i would be kinda depressed if i didn't have any. I don't know why, but coffee has a way of dealing with depression. I get high off coffee basically. It kinda puts me in a better mood. Especially for times like now, when i don't know what's going on; i'm stuck in a mental health clinic, with very little to spend my time on, and if i can't get to the blog and drink coffee while doing so, i feel kinda depressed. I don't like not having anything to do. It's too bad the coffee doesn't last much longer; it's my way of "getting high".
I don't know what's going on really is just the bottom line. I don't know. In a way i'm playing a waiting game. I had a hearing on Friday, June 13th, to try to get my status changed to voluntary, i.e. discharged. My parents were there, so was my psychiatrist, one of my main nurses, and 3 or 4 board members who do not in any way work for the hospital. And, i guess i'm waiting to find out what the board's decision is, which i won't know until maybe Tuesday, or Wednesday.
I really don't know what else to say, i guess. I just want to relax and get high off coffee, and work on the computer. But i can't do that because i don't have enough money.
It's so weird.
Well, i know i have some things i have to talk to you about.
I think i'll first talk to you about my anxiety disorder.
That was some damn good coffee.
: )
I wish you all the best... 'til next time.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 4, 2010
Dear Flower,
You're looking pretty good too, by the way. And i'm sure it has a lot to do with who you are on the inside including things like how much u love your children and perhaps even because you run regularly since it's so good for the brain.
~Mark @markenglish13
#13 - How i Ended Up At The Hospital -
July 15, 2012
Dear Flower,
In this blog post, i would like to expand on how i ended up in a mental health clinic in the first place. And i'll do this to the best of my ability, because there's still quite a few things i don't understand yet.
Generally speaking, there are two main points i'd like to make: 1) Despite whatever good may come of it, there really is no legitimate reason for me to be admitted to the hospital; 2) I have no legitimate reason as to why the police detained me in the first place.
In earlier blog posts, i told you i would try to explain to you how i ended up in a mental health clinic and the days leading up to that. Let me go back to the day that i was first brought to the hospital which was the morning of June 1, 2012.
I would not even be admitted in the hospital if it wasn't for the police detaining me and an ambulance subsequently bringing me to the hospital; i.e. i wouldn't (and did not feel any need to) voluntarily admit myself to the hospital. I could have slept if i wanted to. (Prior to being detained i had gone at least 5 consecutive days with absolutely no sleep.) In fact, i got a good night's sleep the night before the police detained me.
Again, however, what was i doing the early morning hours of June 1 prior to being detained? Walking. Minding my own damn business. Sure, at one point i was walking along the 102 Highway in Bedford going towards the Bedford/Sackville exit. That may be perceived as a little strange walking along a highway near fast moving vehicles like that.
But there was no mention of any concern for my own well being--that i may be of some risk to myself--from the 'police officers' to the initial doctors and nurses in the Emergency unit of the Halifax Infirmary the morning i was brought to the hospital.
Sure, i cut through someone's yard to get from the 102 Highway to an adjacent subdivision road near Basinview Drive in Bedford. That *may* have appeared as though i was trying to commit some kind of robbery crime (mind you, i -was- wearing a white t-shirt and flip flops at the time). But the police actions were very strange. I was approached by the police about 10-15 minutes after cutting through these peoples' property.
I have very little understanding as to what the police officers' intentions were, and i am just simply left with the suspicion that they weren't actually police officers and they were trying to kill me by cutting off my blood circulation over an extended period of time. Frankly i am baffled:
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 3, 2010
Dear Flower,
But, anyway, it's fun again now, but i don't know what's happening--like i keep saying--i don't truly *know* if it's here to stay.
And i don't know if the sundar (pronounced: shun-dar) is something that a lot of people could experience if they meditated or if it's something specific to me. It *seems* like my meditations are unusually powerful.
And the fact that Sir's always here, it just seems like somethings going on.
I have to start telling you more things now to try to get caught up with things that are going on now. It's been hard 'cause i am super behind with work. But i'll be up all night...again... and i'll try to send u some stuff throughout the night when i think of it.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
In this blog post, i would like to expand on how i ended up in a mental health clinic in the first place. And i'll do this to the best of my ability, because there's still quite a few things i don't understand yet.
Generally speaking, there are two main points i'd like to make: 1) Despite whatever good may come of it, there really is no legitimate reason for me to be admitted to the hospital; 2) I have no legitimate reason as to why the police detained me in the first place.
In earlier blog posts, i told you i would try to explain to you how i ended up in a mental health clinic and the days leading up to that. Let me go back to the day that i was first brought to the hospital which was the morning of June 1, 2012.
I would not even be admitted in the hospital if it wasn't for the police detaining me and an ambulance subsequently bringing me to the hospital; i.e. i wouldn't (and did not feel any need to) voluntarily admit myself to the hospital. I could have slept if i wanted to. (Prior to being detained i had gone at least 5 consecutive days with absolutely no sleep.) In fact, i got a good night's sleep the night before the police detained me.
Again, however, what was i doing the early morning hours of June 1 prior to being detained? Walking. Minding my own damn business. Sure, at one point i was walking along the 102 Highway in Bedford going towards the Bedford/Sackville exit. That may be perceived as a little strange walking along a highway near fast moving vehicles like that.
But there was no mention of any concern for my own well being--that i may be of some risk to myself--from the 'police officers' to the initial doctors and nurses in the Emergency unit of the Halifax Infirmary the morning i was brought to the hospital.
Sure, i cut through someone's yard to get from the 102 Highway to an adjacent subdivision road near Basinview Drive in Bedford. That *may* have appeared as though i was trying to commit some kind of robbery crime (mind you, i -was- wearing a white t-shirt and flip flops at the time). But the police actions were very strange. I was approached by the police about 10-15 minutes after cutting through these peoples' property.
I have very little understanding as to what the police officers' intentions were, and i am just simply left with the suspicion that they weren't actually police officers and they were trying to kill me by cutting off my blood circulation over an extended period of time. Frankly i am baffled:
- They put me in handcuffs without first explaining to me what it is i supposedly had done to warrant "arresting" or detaining me
- They NEVER explained anything to me nor even offered any comforting words to ensure that i would be okay
- They sat on top of me for at least an hour so that i could not move, with my hands in handcuffs, behind my back, extremely tight cutting off my blood circulation.
- I don't understand why handcuffs would ever have to be so tight that they cut off blood circulation
- While i was already in extremely tight handcuffs cutting off my blood circulation, one of the police officers started bending one of my hands in towards my wrist. Why?
- Why was i never searched by these two police officers beforehand?
- Why didn't they call for back up. I've dealt with Halifax Police officers on many occasions and there wasn't a single occasion, other than this one, where they didn't call for back up
- Why did one of the police officers start rubbing my back as if to help me drift off into sleep?
- During the entire time these two police officers were sitting their weight on top of me so that i couldn't maneuver away from them, i was screaming things such as, "THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!! CALL 911!! PLEASE, SOMEBODY! HELP ME!! PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU TO HELP ME!!" I fought for my life, big time, screaming and yelling and trying not to lose consciousness
- I asked the police several times to loosen the cuffs, but they wouldn't even respond to me verbally
- An ambulance eventually arrived. Why did i not hear either police officer radio for an ambulance?
- Why did one police officer suddenly start jabbing his knee into my leg and holding it there to maintain pressure, and why did that feel to me like he was cutting off more blood circulation. Why, after i twisted my leg to a different position did he continue to do this but this time on the side of my leg rather than the back? Why? Why did he have to jab his knee into my leg and maintain the pressure of jabbing his knee into my leg
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 3, 2010
Dear Flower,
But, anyway, it's fun again now, but i don't know what's happening--like i keep saying--i don't truly *know* if it's here to stay.
And i don't know if the sundar (pronounced: shun-dar) is something that a lot of people could experience if they meditated or if it's something specific to me. It *seems* like my meditations are unusually powerful.
And the fact that Sir's always here, it just seems like somethings going on.
I have to start telling you more things now to try to get caught up with things that are going on now. It's been hard 'cause i am super behind with work. But i'll be up all night...again... and i'll try to send u some stuff throughout the night when i think of it.
~Mark @markenglish13
Saturday, July 14, 2012
#12 - What My Psychiatrist Thinks -
July 14, 2012
Dear Flower,
This is Part 1 of a 2 Part Blog Post. In this Part, i want to return now to talking about the fact that i am still currently an involuntary patient at a Mental Health Clinic here in Halifax, NS, Canada. In the 2nd Part, i want to expand on how i ended up here in the first place.
As i've just stated, i'm still a patient in the hospital. The reason why provided by my psychiatrist has nothing to do with me potentially causing harm to myself or to other people, and has more to do with her distrust in me that i may mentally deteriorate in some way, (and/or not continue to take my medication).
I don't agree even remotely that i will "mentally deteriorate"; i am certainly capable of looking after myself. It's almost like taking a perfectly normal person who was in the midst of doing everything he could to do of what's best for himself and for his 8 year old daughter and then not allowing him to go back to that (even though all he wants to do is go back to doing everything he can that's best for his daughter and himself) all because of some fantasy idea about me.
However, i *did* mention in a previous blog post that it's *good* that i'm here, (within this mental health clinic). In terms of the medication that i am being prescribed here within the hospital, we (i.e. my doctor and i) seem to be approaching a point in which we are addressing my challenges with anxiety than otherwise, i.e. than if i wasn't a patient within the hospital. I am glad that the medication i am being given is addressing my anxiety and that we are still improving on that. If i am permitted to maintain the same medication concoction that i am currently taking, (and which will still be improved), after i am discharged from the hospital then that would be at least one reason why i could say that my stay in this hospital served a positive purpose.
So, you see, it's almost as if my doctor (i.e. my psychiatrist) and i are starting to get on the same wavelength.
Whenever i -do- get my freedom back, i'm going to have a new found love and appreciation for it. And, i'm going to be VERY happy to finally see my 8 year old daughter again.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 3, 2010
Dear Flower,
Meditation doesn't just change the way i look, it changes the way i feel in a MAJOR way. In fact, the whole reason my face looks fuller, better, or whatever is because of the changes that are going on on the inside.
I remember in 1997, before i lost my meditation, it was like a daily treat for me seeing girls looked at me and the way they look at me. I remember walking down St. Catherine's Street in Montreal and almost every person i walked past would stare at me.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
This is Part 1 of a 2 Part Blog Post. In this Part, i want to return now to talking about the fact that i am still currently an involuntary patient at a Mental Health Clinic here in Halifax, NS, Canada. In the 2nd Part, i want to expand on how i ended up here in the first place.
As i've just stated, i'm still a patient in the hospital. The reason why provided by my psychiatrist has nothing to do with me potentially causing harm to myself or to other people, and has more to do with her distrust in me that i may mentally deteriorate in some way, (and/or not continue to take my medication).
I don't agree even remotely that i will "mentally deteriorate"; i am certainly capable of looking after myself. It's almost like taking a perfectly normal person who was in the midst of doing everything he could to do of what's best for himself and for his 8 year old daughter and then not allowing him to go back to that (even though all he wants to do is go back to doing everything he can that's best for his daughter and himself) all because of some fantasy idea about me.
However, i *did* mention in a previous blog post that it's *good* that i'm here, (within this mental health clinic). In terms of the medication that i am being prescribed here within the hospital, we (i.e. my doctor and i) seem to be approaching a point in which we are addressing my challenges with anxiety than otherwise, i.e. than if i wasn't a patient within the hospital. I am glad that the medication i am being given is addressing my anxiety and that we are still improving on that. If i am permitted to maintain the same medication concoction that i am currently taking, (and which will still be improved), after i am discharged from the hospital then that would be at least one reason why i could say that my stay in this hospital served a positive purpose.
So, you see, it's almost as if my doctor (i.e. my psychiatrist) and i are starting to get on the same wavelength.
Whenever i -do- get my freedom back, i'm going to have a new found love and appreciation for it. And, i'm going to be VERY happy to finally see my 8 year old daughter again.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 3, 2010
Dear Flower,
Meditation doesn't just change the way i look, it changes the way i feel in a MAJOR way. In fact, the whole reason my face looks fuller, better, or whatever is because of the changes that are going on on the inside.
I remember in 1997, before i lost my meditation, it was like a daily treat for me seeing girls looked at me and the way they look at me. I remember walking down St. Catherine's Street in Montreal and almost every person i walked past would stare at me.
~Mark @markenglish13
#11 - Intuitive Thoughts Part 4 of 4 -
July 14, 2012
Dear Flower,
As in my previous 3 blog posts, i am simply relaying to you, verbatim, the notes that i took during the early morning hours of May 29, 2012--the notes of which were based off the intuitive -thoughts- that i was having at the time...
- "Flower, do you know one of the reasons why the disciples are such good people? It's because they'll put their faith in you long before they'll ever question you... That's the way flowers are; that's the way they -have- to be. (Humans have more freedom than flowers, yet many humans misuse their freedom for evil purposes.)"
- "Ahh, Jesus.... Is 'Jesus' a swear word? Why would 'Jesus' be a swear word. The Lord is all Divinity. Maybe it depends on how you say it. Is 'Chinmoy' going to be a swear word? Nah. MY name could be a swear word, but i'm not gonna sue you or anything."
- "Hi, Jesus! God, You're so sweet!"
- "It's gonna be so much easier for me once i'm back around the disciples again. : ) I cared about them, always did--just not in a very outwardly kind of way. It was good for -me-. : ) I REALLY liked the disciples. I AM one... but i was talking about one as a single one, like if you stick out a finger."
- "Jesus watched me--it's very easy to be ignorant of that; -i- have, that's how i know. That's quite an amazing experience to go threw. I'm very ignorant, but you start to become part of a Spiritual Group the more spiritual you become--kind of unexpected. Actually, VERY unexpected; (thank you, Jesus, for the Clarification, Dear Lord Jesus). I asked Him what kind of work He does most the time: Very Hard Work; removing stuff (i.e. crud) from peoples' gutter/vital area."
- "What's the difference between one basketball and another basketball? You're too young to know... Only Jesus within could teach the "difference". And as Brilliant as ALL PEOPLE seem to think the Dear Lord Jesus is, He would teach that in an extremely brilliant way. There's no where for Him to go except for in a way that's also within. Doubt me not, for it is true. ~Sir~ is here, and yet the Lord Jesus can "say hi" to me, distinguish Himself, with a pat down of Great Brilliance while also--simultaneously--swish back and away with an even greater Brilliance."
- "God can tell me jokes that deal with so much pain."
- "Jesus can trick people too. I didn't even realize i was gonna TALK about Jesus. Jesus is so sweet. His existence is very inspiring for me. I'm just humbled to be able to -think- about Him."
- "I've been tricked the whole time. I'm thinking i'm gonna get this and that done, then i can go to BED!! It's 4:03 in the morning! I don't even remember when *yesterday* was. How many freakin' days ago was *yesterday*. It wasn't yesterday, i know that. But was it the day *before* yesterday or the day before that?"
- "When u're short on time, 'cause i gotta meditate in at least an hour -- and that's not even true -- there's ways to say more than one thing at the same time."
- "Wait a second! Why do i keep writing these things down?! Was that somebody's decision or somebody else's decision. And i already said that, and it wasn't even right the first time i said it 'cause it's 4:17am."
- "The Spiritual People are pretty freakin' funny. C. also thinks things are funny; he's not very spiritual, i.e. he doesn't live a spiritual life."
- "People often use the wrong tools to teach themselves things, such as anger, insecurity, etc. These are not the proper tools with which to teach oneself anything about others or about yourself. These tools are representatives of ignorance."
- "OMG OMG I can't do this, Jesus. It's like 4:19am, and now i have to somehow explain that you had a baby or that you *were* a baby, or that You had a Baby and that You were a Baby at the same time..."
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
~Sir~ is like a Divine Presence for me. And, in the story about the little girl, the -mom- in that story metaphorically referred to ~Sir~. HeI /she is very kind to me.
Yup, there's a lot to tell you, so it will take a while. I don't usually talk about myself this much, but i guess these messages to you are kind of like a diary/journal as well.
Dear Flower,
As in my previous 3 blog posts, i am simply relaying to you, verbatim, the notes that i took during the early morning hours of May 29, 2012--the notes of which were based off the intuitive -thoughts- that i was having at the time...
- "Flower, do you know one of the reasons why the disciples are such good people? It's because they'll put their faith in you long before they'll ever question you... That's the way flowers are; that's the way they -have- to be. (Humans have more freedom than flowers, yet many humans misuse their freedom for evil purposes.)"
- "Ahh, Jesus.... Is 'Jesus' a swear word? Why would 'Jesus' be a swear word. The Lord is all Divinity. Maybe it depends on how you say it. Is 'Chinmoy' going to be a swear word? Nah. MY name could be a swear word, but i'm not gonna sue you or anything."
- "Hi, Jesus! God, You're so sweet!"
- "It's gonna be so much easier for me once i'm back around the disciples again. : ) I cared about them, always did--just not in a very outwardly kind of way. It was good for -me-. : ) I REALLY liked the disciples. I AM one... but i was talking about one as a single one, like if you stick out a finger."
- "Jesus watched me--it's very easy to be ignorant of that; -i- have, that's how i know. That's quite an amazing experience to go threw. I'm very ignorant, but you start to become part of a Spiritual Group the more spiritual you become--kind of unexpected. Actually, VERY unexpected; (thank you, Jesus, for the Clarification, Dear Lord Jesus). I asked Him what kind of work He does most the time: Very Hard Work; removing stuff (i.e. crud) from peoples' gutter/vital area."
- "What's the difference between one basketball and another basketball? You're too young to know... Only Jesus within could teach the "difference". And as Brilliant as ALL PEOPLE seem to think the Dear Lord Jesus is, He would teach that in an extremely brilliant way. There's no where for Him to go except for in a way that's also within. Doubt me not, for it is true. ~Sir~ is here, and yet the Lord Jesus can "say hi" to me, distinguish Himself, with a pat down of Great Brilliance while also--simultaneously--swish back and away with an even greater Brilliance."
- "God can tell me jokes that deal with so much pain."
- "Jesus can trick people too. I didn't even realize i was gonna TALK about Jesus. Jesus is so sweet. His existence is very inspiring for me. I'm just humbled to be able to -think- about Him."
- "I've been tricked the whole time. I'm thinking i'm gonna get this and that done, then i can go to BED!! It's 4:03 in the morning! I don't even remember when *yesterday* was. How many freakin' days ago was *yesterday*. It wasn't yesterday, i know that. But was it the day *before* yesterday or the day before that?"
- "When u're short on time, 'cause i gotta meditate in at least an hour -- and that's not even true -- there's ways to say more than one thing at the same time."
- "Wait a second! Why do i keep writing these things down?! Was that somebody's decision or somebody else's decision. And i already said that, and it wasn't even right the first time i said it 'cause it's 4:17am."
- "The Spiritual People are pretty freakin' funny. C. also thinks things are funny; he's not very spiritual, i.e. he doesn't live a spiritual life."
- "People often use the wrong tools to teach themselves things, such as anger, insecurity, etc. These are not the proper tools with which to teach oneself anything about others or about yourself. These tools are representatives of ignorance."
- "OMG OMG I can't do this, Jesus. It's like 4:19am, and now i have to somehow explain that you had a baby or that you *were* a baby, or that You had a Baby and that You were a Baby at the same time..."
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
October 27, 2010
Dear Flower,
Dear Flower,
I will explain to you in future messages how that story about the little girl threatening to run away from home relates as an analogy to my personal shenanigans. I will explain that to you; i will get to that some time in the future.
~Sir~ is like a Divine Presence for me. And, in the story about the little girl, the -mom- in that story metaphorically referred to ~Sir~. HeI /she is very kind to me.
~Mark @markenglish13
Thursday, July 12, 2012
#10 - Intuitive Thoughts Part 3 of 4 -
July 12, 2012
Dear Flower,
As in my previous blog post, this is a continuation from my previous blog post; in other words, i am continuing to relay to you, verbatim, the notes that i took during the early morning hours of May 29, 2012, which were based off the intuitive thoughts that i was having at the time...
- "Why would ~Sir~ make me stay awake for so long? Do you think he did that? Not necessarily. This is one of the areas, or examples, where i cause problems with my space cadet disobedience--which is probably due to my underlying anxiety disorder."
- "Don't ask -me- why this story is so crazy, ask *God*; think about His problems."
- "If you are deviating from the real you, go back to what's normal; imagine a flower inside your heart. Imagine that the flower is God. Go back to the beginning of your spiritual life when you were most sincere."
- "I am an idiot (a) and, (b), somehow i'm saying all this stuff to you."
- "Don't question ~Sir~. He can "trick" me, but in a Divine way. Don't question ~Sir~: that is a life long message for me."
"On May 29th, 2012, in the early morning, there was one huge lightening bolt and thunder; an additional smaller one occurred about 20 minutes later... The smaller one marked the ending of it, i.e. the ending of the annihilation of Atara, that's right, Atar, Tara, whatever her name shall be."
"And: these are -my- words that ~Sir~ is allowing me to say: I'm sorry. Seriously. I don't like talking about people that way--the way i talked about her. I'm allowed to feel my sympathy now... It just blows me away. I feel soooo bad. It just completely defies how i could ever possibly feel for somebody. I don't know.....what's going on. I just really need to know that she's okay. I don't know what to do. {My sympathy is NOTHING in comparison to ~Sir's~: if there's any implication of a lack of sympathy, it's not intended.} I can't go on like i don't CARE about somebody. It's not possible. Even if somebody's telling me to. ~Sir~, i feel so bad. I don't know where she is. She's in a better place now. How can that be? Please, lol. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want -anybody- to suffer. I can't do it. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't want her to feel that way. I can't think bad thoughts about people. I probably never really understood..... tried to imagine.... Just have to move on i guess... C. heard it too... I'll have to talk to him about that in the future to confirm whether he really did and if he remembers; he may have thought it, i.e. the loud thunder bang, was a nuclear bomb that went off."
~ Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
Dear Flower,
As in my previous blog post, this is a continuation from my previous blog post; in other words, i am continuing to relay to you, verbatim, the notes that i took during the early morning hours of May 29, 2012, which were based off the intuitive thoughts that i was having at the time...
- "Why would ~Sir~ make me stay awake for so long? Do you think he did that? Not necessarily. This is one of the areas, or examples, where i cause problems with my space cadet disobedience--which is probably due to my underlying anxiety disorder."
- "Don't ask -me- why this story is so crazy, ask *God*; think about His problems."
- "If you are deviating from the real you, go back to what's normal; imagine a flower inside your heart. Imagine that the flower is God. Go back to the beginning of your spiritual life when you were most sincere."
- "I am an idiot (a) and, (b), somehow i'm saying all this stuff to you."
- "Don't question ~Sir~. He can "trick" me, but in a Divine way. Don't question ~Sir~: that is a life long message for me."
"On May 29th, 2012, in the early morning, there was one huge lightening bolt and thunder; an additional smaller one occurred about 20 minutes later... The smaller one marked the ending of it, i.e. the ending of the annihilation of Atara, that's right, Atar, Tara, whatever her name shall be."
"And: these are -my- words that ~Sir~ is allowing me to say: I'm sorry. Seriously. I don't like talking about people that way--the way i talked about her. I'm allowed to feel my sympathy now... It just blows me away. I feel soooo bad. It just completely defies how i could ever possibly feel for somebody. I don't know.....what's going on. I just really need to know that she's okay. I don't know what to do. {My sympathy is NOTHING in comparison to ~Sir's~: if there's any implication of a lack of sympathy, it's not intended.} I can't go on like i don't CARE about somebody. It's not possible. Even if somebody's telling me to. ~Sir~, i feel so bad. I don't know where she is. She's in a better place now. How can that be? Please, lol. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want -anybody- to suffer. I can't do it. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't want her to feel that way. I can't think bad thoughts about people. I probably never really understood..... tried to imagine.... Just have to move on i guess... C. heard it too... I'll have to talk to him about that in the future to confirm whether he really did and if he remembers; he may have thought it, i.e. the loud thunder bang, was a nuclear bomb that went off."
~ Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
October 27, 2010
Dear Flower,
Dear Flower,
Do you remember when i told you about a children's story in which a little girl threatened her mommy that she was going to run away from home and never come back?
I don't remember the name of the story. I think i read it when i was a kid or something. And i think it was one of a series of short stories.
In the story, the little girl gets mad at something and starts to pack her stuff saying she's running away. Her mom didn't seem particularly perturbed by it though and, in fact, started helping her with her bags.
Anyway, i tried to use that story as a little analogy to try to explain some things i was going through at the time. You didn't know what i was talking about, but i wouldn't explain what i meant by the analogy. You were insisting that i tell you, but i said that maybe i would try to explain a little some other time. You really seemed to want to know what i was talking about, so i always thought you kinda remembered that conversation.
~Mark @markenglish13In the story, the little girl gets mad at something and starts to pack her stuff saying she's running away. Her mom didn't seem particularly perturbed by it though and, in fact, started helping her with her bags.
Anyway, i tried to use that story as a little analogy to try to explain some things i was going through at the time. You didn't know what i was talking about, but i wouldn't explain what i meant by the analogy. You were insisting that i tell you, but i said that maybe i would try to explain a little some other time. You really seemed to want to know what i was talking about, so i always thought you kinda remembered that conversation.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
#9 - Intuitive Thoughts Part 2 of 4 -
July 11, 2012
Dear Flower,
This is a continuation from my previous blog post (i.e. Blog Post #8 - Intuitive Thoughts Part 1 of 4 -). In this blog post, as in my previous one, i am relaying to you, verbatim, many of the notes that i took during the early morning hours of May 29, 2012 based off the intuitive thoughts that i was having at the time.
- "If i'm not fully realized, then some of my ignorance goes into the words that i choose---and i don't always make the most sense."
- "And here's another thing i'm learning: God Realization isn't a "Big I" thing: you don't get a Big Ego from it (or you shouldn't, rather)."
- "And there's different ways or standards or levels of God Realization; i'm just an incy wincy bit God Realized. I'm the least God Realized person on the Earth. I'm more like a God-Realization Joke. It's kinda funny in a way--kinda like a ~Sir~ Joke. So.... you know i can be a space cadet; you know ~Sir~ can trick me; He's tricked me all my spiritual life, but in a way that's extremely kind. So, you know what, when i'm in a position of dealing with ~Sir~, i don't have a choice: if He tells me to say something, i have to say it. And, when you're saying something, whether it's truthful or not, simply because ~Sir~ is telling you to say it, -that- is God Realization."
- "I can definitely be a space cadet, which could be good for ~Sir~ in manifesting his cuteness and sense of humor. But, the bad kind (of 'space cadet-ness'), of which i also have, can be a quality that interferes with ~Sir's~ manifestation. The problem causing one is kinda like a kid in class that just never pays attention, and then he disrupts the entire class."
- "God keeps things hidden sometimes, and that's for your own good."
- "It's funny how you could think you can out smart God. He'll trick you; He'll let you think that, not to hurt you, but to help you."
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
Dear Flower,
This is a continuation from my previous blog post (i.e. Blog Post #8 - Intuitive Thoughts Part 1 of 4 -). In this blog post, as in my previous one, i am relaying to you, verbatim, many of the notes that i took during the early morning hours of May 29, 2012 based off the intuitive thoughts that i was having at the time.
- "If i'm not fully realized, then some of my ignorance goes into the words that i choose---and i don't always make the most sense."
- "And here's another thing i'm learning: God Realization isn't a "Big I" thing: you don't get a Big Ego from it (or you shouldn't, rather)."
- "And there's different ways or standards or levels of God Realization; i'm just an incy wincy bit God Realized. I'm the least God Realized person on the Earth. I'm more like a God-Realization Joke. It's kinda funny in a way--kinda like a ~Sir~ Joke. So.... you know i can be a space cadet; you know ~Sir~ can trick me; He's tricked me all my spiritual life, but in a way that's extremely kind. So, you know what, when i'm in a position of dealing with ~Sir~, i don't have a choice: if He tells me to say something, i have to say it. And, when you're saying something, whether it's truthful or not, simply because ~Sir~ is telling you to say it, -that- is God Realization."
- "I can definitely be a space cadet, which could be good for ~Sir~ in manifesting his cuteness and sense of humor. But, the bad kind (of 'space cadet-ness'), of which i also have, can be a quality that interferes with ~Sir's~ manifestation. The problem causing one is kinda like a kid in class that just never pays attention, and then he disrupts the entire class."
- "God keeps things hidden sometimes, and that's for your own good."
- "It's funny how you could think you can out smart God. He'll trick you; He'll let you think that, not to hurt you, but to help you."
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
October 27, 2010
Dear Flower,
I don't do karaoke, but i'm thinking of starting 'cause my voice gets better and better with the meditation. And i love singing. Plus my friend has been doing it a lot lately.
Dear Flower,
I don't do karaoke, but i'm thinking of starting 'cause my voice gets better and better with the meditation. And i love singing. Plus my friend has been doing it a lot lately.
Well, i'll be working all night again tonight. Today i slept from about 6am 'til 2pm. My sleeping schedule has been all over the map the last month or so. My boss needs a lot of work done. Plus i'm designing a website on the side.
~Mark @markenglish13
~Mark @markenglish13
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
#8 - Intuitive Thoughts Part 1 of 4 -
July 10, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'm going to take a little break from talking about the "mental health related stuff", i.e: why i'm currently an involuntary patient at a mental health clinic and so forth, and yada yada. Then, i'll get back into more details on that later, i.e. after the completion of the Blog Post #8, which could include 3 or 4 different parts altogether, who knows. This is Part 1 of Blog Post #8. :)
**First of all, I want to ~thank~ *John L.* and *Joseph* for -helping- me out with a little cash here and there (and brotherly love and support) so that I could get coffees, use a computer at an Internet cafe, and so forth...**
This Blog Post will simply include notes that i made during the early morning hours of May 29th, 2012. During the early morning hours of May 29th, 2012, I had made quite a few notes in my notebook from the intuitive thoughts that i was having. Just as i was barely completing one note a new thought would come to my mind and i would try to record that thought in a new note in my notebook. It was note after note after note, and i had to write the notes very quickly in order to get them recorded in pen and paper. In this Blog Post (i.e. Blog Post #8), I will relay many of these notes to you as have been recorded in my notebook. Thank you for your time. :)
- "I would far sooner make an ass out of myself than risk people experiencing some kind of burn of the skin that 'feels like fire'".
- "There are numerous contributors to a disease, it's never just one, or two, or one good and one bad. I don't mean to imply otherwise."
- "You think i'm an idiot? Nobody gets to say i'm an idiot unless that's God."
- "I'm not the one that is 'psychic' or 'the all-knower', ~Sir~ is the one from which much of my intuition comes from."
- "When you have this much pressure on you {as i had at this moment}, you could get upset."
- "It's really, really tough to believe when there's not any real tangible proof. But you have to. That's the way God created the World. Come one, guys, ~Sir's~ all ready given us more than enough proof. Come on *guys*: let's -do it-."
- "Regarding Atar (aka 'Tara'): She departed at precisely 1:10am because she no longer has a soul. If you look at the numbers: 1:10, you see a 0 on the right; it takes out (i.e. removes) the number 1 to the immediate left of it (because it's a zero and that's what zero's do). So, what is left over is 1:0: on the left is 1 and on the right is 0. It's not supposed to be like that. GOD is the only right. But all HER right is 0. God is the only One. Atar is the 0 because she doesn't exist anymore... She has to go all the way back to the beginning. If she is ever allowed to take incarnation again, she will have to begin again at the mineral life. That is her fate for her many acts of sorcery."
- "You're not supposed to wait for all possible evidence of truth to believe in God. And even to completely give yourself, your entire life, entire existence to God. You're not supposed to wait for God to meet all your expectations to help prove for you that it's all good. You're not supposed to do that. Many people are doing it. And that's the message ~From Sir~ Thanks, guys."
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
Dear Flower,
I'm going to take a little break from talking about the "mental health related stuff", i.e: why i'm currently an involuntary patient at a mental health clinic and so forth, and yada yada. Then, i'll get back into more details on that later, i.e. after the completion of the Blog Post #8, which could include 3 or 4 different parts altogether, who knows. This is Part 1 of Blog Post #8. :)
**First of all, I want to ~thank~ *John L.* and *Joseph* for -helping- me out with a little cash here and there (and brotherly love and support) so that I could get coffees, use a computer at an Internet cafe, and so forth...**
This Blog Post will simply include notes that i made during the early morning hours of May 29th, 2012. During the early morning hours of May 29th, 2012, I had made quite a few notes in my notebook from the intuitive thoughts that i was having. Just as i was barely completing one note a new thought would come to my mind and i would try to record that thought in a new note in my notebook. It was note after note after note, and i had to write the notes very quickly in order to get them recorded in pen and paper. In this Blog Post (i.e. Blog Post #8), I will relay many of these notes to you as have been recorded in my notebook. Thank you for your time. :)
- "I would far sooner make an ass out of myself than risk people experiencing some kind of burn of the skin that 'feels like fire'".
- "There are numerous contributors to a disease, it's never just one, or two, or one good and one bad. I don't mean to imply otherwise."
- "You think i'm an idiot? Nobody gets to say i'm an idiot unless that's God."
- "I'm not the one that is 'psychic' or 'the all-knower', ~Sir~ is the one from which much of my intuition comes from."
- "When you have this much pressure on you {as i had at this moment}, you could get upset."
- "It's really, really tough to believe when there's not any real tangible proof. But you have to. That's the way God created the World. Come one, guys, ~Sir's~ all ready given us more than enough proof. Come on *guys*: let's -do it-."
- "Regarding Atar (aka 'Tara'): She departed at precisely 1:10am because she no longer has a soul. If you look at the numbers: 1:10, you see a 0 on the right; it takes out (i.e. removes) the number 1 to the immediate left of it (because it's a zero and that's what zero's do). So, what is left over is 1:0: on the left is 1 and on the right is 0. It's not supposed to be like that. GOD is the only right. But all HER right is 0. God is the only One. Atar is the 0 because she doesn't exist anymore... She has to go all the way back to the beginning. If she is ever allowed to take incarnation again, she will have to begin again at the mineral life. That is her fate for her many acts of sorcery."
- "You're not supposed to wait for all possible evidence of truth to believe in God. And even to completely give yourself, your entire life, entire existence to God. You're not supposed to wait for God to meet all your expectations to help prove for you that it's all good. You're not supposed to do that. Many people are doing it. And that's the message ~From Sir~ Thanks, guys."
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
October 27, 2010
Dear Flower,
C. is the one i told you about before who's life i'm hoping to improve
a little. He appears to be addicted to crack.
~ Mark
Dear Flower,
I have to try to get my Blackberry back. I left it with a cabbie the other day. I'm going out soon. Hopefully i will meet up with C. I'll be up all night. And then hopefully i'll get my phone back. Then i have to work all day tomorrow.
~ Mark
#7 - The Burn -
July 10, 2012
Dear Flower,
In the early morning hours of May 30th, 2012, by accident i had locked my keys to my condo building within my condo unit (i was tired and almost brain dead from lack of sleep) and ended up calling 911 so that a police officer could come help me get in and fix the precarious mess that I left inside my condo. Why did i call 911? Because i felt the mess that i left could easily have started a fire and burned the whole condo building down potentially killing and/or seriously injuring many of the occupants.
Earlier that evening, i discovered why i was continuously having so much trouble connecting wirelessly to the Internet so many times throughout the last few months or so, particularly within my condo unit: it was simply because of other DEVICES placed around my apartment, and even within the battery of my laptop, interfering.
That's right: other devices, tiny recording devices, i.e. "bugs". And *I* didn't put those devices there. -Somebody- did though. Nevertheless, through the process of finding all or -most- of these devices, I ended up basically trashing my place (because I was doing it quickly, they were in tough places to get at, and -plus- I didn't care anymore) including breaking a thermostat in my bedroom looking for some sort of recording device within it. Whatever it was I did to the thermostat, the temperature of the bedroom began to rise quite quickly and significantly.
Since it was not *I* that committed the break and enter crime into my place to place the devices around my unit, it was not my fault that this place was getting trashed as i searched around for the devices. It's a shame.
Prior to messing with the thermostat, I had, for some reason, intuitively decided to open a can of Drano and pour the Drano chemicals all over the carpet in my bedroom. I was finding the devices intuitively, and i didn't know i that time why i had the intuitive thought to poor some Drano on the carpet in this bedroom (the same bedroom in which the heat was beginning to rise). Well, it wasn't until after i *left* the building altogether (i didn't think i'd ever be going back because i already had a new place to move into) that i realized that the combination of Drano on my carpet and the room heating up significantly was a precarious predicament which required immediate emergency attention because not only did i not know how to fix the thermostat so that the room would stop heating up, didn't even have a way back into the building. So, i called 911; despite how embarrassing it was or could have been, I called 911 to prevent the building from burning down and from people getting hurt.
Well, that was an interesting story. Except that's not really the WHOLE story...
Unfortunately, the 911 operator didn't take me very seriously. It seemed as though she thought i was some sort of prankster after i told her my name. She started to attempt to gather all my personal information as though i was about to be arrested for some crime, like pranking the police. A police car even drove by while i was talking to her from a payphone near McDonald's in Bedford, and i waved to it frantically as the police officer drove by, but all he did was slow down a little, stare at me, and then kept moving on. The 911 operator told me the police may arrive in an hour, almost mockingly. Well, i didn't know what to do, so i had to take control of the situation and informed the 911 operator i would be heading straight to my condo building and that i would meet whatever police officer there at the building; then i hung up on her.
Now, she may have treated me that way because i was the same guy that posted "The Burn" on my public Facebook page warning people of chemicals potentially causing some BURN of the skin, but, i don't really know for sure. Nonetheless, i think we've ALL been burned just a little bit.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
Dear Flower,
In the early morning hours of May 30th, 2012, by accident i had locked my keys to my condo building within my condo unit (i was tired and almost brain dead from lack of sleep) and ended up calling 911 so that a police officer could come help me get in and fix the precarious mess that I left inside my condo. Why did i call 911? Because i felt the mess that i left could easily have started a fire and burned the whole condo building down potentially killing and/or seriously injuring many of the occupants.
Earlier that evening, i discovered why i was continuously having so much trouble connecting wirelessly to the Internet so many times throughout the last few months or so, particularly within my condo unit: it was simply because of other DEVICES placed around my apartment, and even within the battery of my laptop, interfering.
That's right: other devices, tiny recording devices, i.e. "bugs". And *I* didn't put those devices there. -Somebody- did though. Nevertheless, through the process of finding all or -most- of these devices, I ended up basically trashing my place (because I was doing it quickly, they were in tough places to get at, and -plus- I didn't care anymore) including breaking a thermostat in my bedroom looking for some sort of recording device within it. Whatever it was I did to the thermostat, the temperature of the bedroom began to rise quite quickly and significantly.
Since it was not *I* that committed the break and enter crime into my place to place the devices around my unit, it was not my fault that this place was getting trashed as i searched around for the devices. It's a shame.
Prior to messing with the thermostat, I had, for some reason, intuitively decided to open a can of Drano and pour the Drano chemicals all over the carpet in my bedroom. I was finding the devices intuitively, and i didn't know i that time why i had the intuitive thought to poor some Drano on the carpet in this bedroom (the same bedroom in which the heat was beginning to rise). Well, it wasn't until after i *left* the building altogether (i didn't think i'd ever be going back because i already had a new place to move into) that i realized that the combination of Drano on my carpet and the room heating up significantly was a precarious predicament which required immediate emergency attention because not only did i not know how to fix the thermostat so that the room would stop heating up, didn't even have a way back into the building. So, i called 911; despite how embarrassing it was or could have been, I called 911 to prevent the building from burning down and from people getting hurt.
Well, that was an interesting story. Except that's not really the WHOLE story...
Unfortunately, the 911 operator didn't take me very seriously. It seemed as though she thought i was some sort of prankster after i told her my name. She started to attempt to gather all my personal information as though i was about to be arrested for some crime, like pranking the police. A police car even drove by while i was talking to her from a payphone near McDonald's in Bedford, and i waved to it frantically as the police officer drove by, but all he did was slow down a little, stare at me, and then kept moving on. The 911 operator told me the police may arrive in an hour, almost mockingly. Well, i didn't know what to do, so i had to take control of the situation and informed the 911 operator i would be heading straight to my condo building and that i would meet whatever police officer there at the building; then i hung up on her.
Now, she may have treated me that way because i was the same guy that posted "The Burn" on my public Facebook page warning people of chemicals potentially causing some BURN of the skin, but, i don't really know for sure. Nonetheless, i think we've ALL been burned just a little bit.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
October 26, 2010
Dear Flower,
I don't really go to church. I was planning on starting to go regularly with Brooklyn, though. Brooklyn seems to have just recently started to believe a lot more in God. On her last night with me, she was afraid of having nightmares after i tucked her in. So, i told her she could pray to God if she's afraid and God will help her. She was crying a little before saying that, but then started smiling and giggled a little after my little talk with her.
~ Mark
Dear Flower,
I don't really go to church. I was planning on starting to go regularly with Brooklyn, though. Brooklyn seems to have just recently started to believe a lot more in God. On her last night with me, she was afraid of having nightmares after i tucked her in. So, i told her she could pray to God if she's afraid and God will help her. She was crying a little before saying that, but then started smiling and giggled a little after my little talk with her.
~ Mark
Monday, July 9, 2012
#6 - Everything Happens For A Reason -
July 09, 2012
Dear Flower,
In my Blog Post #3 - Attempted Murder -, i stated: "There's no real legitimate reason for me to be admitted to the Mental Health Clinic at Abbey J. Lane."
Let me say a few more things about that.
First of all, I doubt very much that, if it wasn't God's Will, i would even BE here. So, eat that one up.
Everything happens for **a reason**.
But that REASON is not necessarily understood by all the nurses and doctors here at this Mental Health Clinic as well as **I** understand it.
Intuition is pretty powerful stuff, extremely wise information; i have that, but i also have ignorance, i.e. that which can be perceived as being the truth when it *isn't*: it's called IGNORANCE.
The reason that *they're* (particularly my psychiatrist, i.e. the main decision maker) saying that i need to be here is not even close to the reason *i'm* saying i need to be here (or rather, why/how i'm benefiting from being here). I know and see what's going on; i understand that.
So, is that statement, "There's no real legitimate reason for me to be admitted to the Mental Health Clinic at Abbey J. Lane.", true? Yes, it is. However! This will all work out much more to my benefit in the future than *otherwise*.
So, with that all being said, it's good that i'm here, and i expect to be discharged within a couple weeks.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
Dear Flower,
In my Blog Post #3 - Attempted Murder -, i stated: "There's no real legitimate reason for me to be admitted to the Mental Health Clinic at Abbey J. Lane."
Let me say a few more things about that.
First of all, I doubt very much that, if it wasn't God's Will, i would even BE here. So, eat that one up.
Everything happens for **a reason**.
But that REASON is not necessarily understood by all the nurses and doctors here at this Mental Health Clinic as well as **I** understand it.
Intuition is pretty powerful stuff, extremely wise information; i have that, but i also have ignorance, i.e. that which can be perceived as being the truth when it *isn't*: it's called IGNORANCE.
The reason that *they're* (particularly my psychiatrist, i.e. the main decision maker) saying that i need to be here is not even close to the reason *i'm* saying i need to be here (or rather, why/how i'm benefiting from being here). I know and see what's going on; i understand that.
So, is that statement, "There's no real legitimate reason for me to be admitted to the Mental Health Clinic at Abbey J. Lane.", true? Yes, it is. However! This will all work out much more to my benefit in the future than *otherwise*.
So, with that all being said, it's good that i'm here, and i expect to be discharged within a couple weeks.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
October 26, 2010
Dear Flower,
Dear Flower,
I guess i'll start by asking a question or two. Do you believe in God? Do you and your family go to church? I've been teaching Brooklyn to pray for the last year or two. Every time i pray i can feel the presence of the Divine absorbing and receiving my prayer....One time, while prayer with Brooklyn, i could feel her sincerity and the Lord receiving her prayer as well.
~ Mark
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