July 25, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'd like to take this blog post to touch more upon emotional abuse and disrespect towards/from family members.
I grew up with a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family. It wasn't all bad; it was (and remains) a lot of bad and some good. But i don't know if that make it any better or easier--that there's a good mixture of good--because that does makes it very difficult to distinguish the bad as being bad. Because there is some good, or what *appears* to be good on the surface, they (my "parents") believe they can get away with deception surrounding the emotional abuse and toxicity (i.e. not admitting that it's wrong and should not continue); in other words, it's not obvious: it's very difficult to distinguish.
There's been very little accountability thus far--none whatsoever (thus far) from my "dad". I believe in order to be considered *real parents* you have to have spiritual values: valuing the importance of treating your children with respect, and talking about how that's important with them, trying not to be hurtful, valuing the importance of happiness, treating your children with respect, apologizing when things go wrong, and just an overall value for the spiritual welfare of your children, otherwise, you're just parents by blood. And that's what i believe my parents have been and continue to be.
The result of how i was raised and how i continue to be treated is "not believing in myself". The result of not believing in myself is an anxiety disorder that i have suffered from since age 15 or 16.
They seem to have no value whatsoever for how they could make a person feel on the inside. Both my sister and i are victims of severe emotional abuse. And we have a right or justification to avoid our parents because of it, because we have to be strong, we have to be happy, we have to succeed… And our strength doesn't come from our parents; our weaknesses come from our parents.
I have been dealing with the daunting task of addressing this emotional abuse (i.e. communicating to my parents about it) while things aren’t going well, i.e. while they are in the state of mind that, in the past, has caused them to be disrespectful and emotionally abusive, negative, and hurtful. I have been addressing it *while* they are in the state of mind, so, hopefully they can learn. Like i said, things aren’t *always* bad.... But their *respect* is not maintained while things appear to be going wrong; even when things are going well their disrespect is like a giant elephant just under the surface; a giant elephant that teaches I (or someone else for that matter) must be appearing to be doing everything right in order to be worthy of respect *and* even if i *AM* doing everything i can do that i feel is right, i will *STILL* at times be treated as though i am bad and that there are things wrong with me. But that's been the best i could hope for from my parents over the years. And i've been addressing it because of Brooklyn, otherwise, i would just suck it up.
Thank you for reading,
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've had to talk to my parents about their disrespect towards me and/or Brooklyn over the last few days--even
though i'm borrowing their computer--for Brooklyn's sake. Because it's
very important to me that Brooklyn is treated with respect and she
doesn't have anything to do with that toxicity. I would never talk to
them about it if it wasn't for Brooklyn. But i've been helping them
understand that they have to be respectful when communicating with
family members, and i probably will have to keep talking to them about
it, because the more they acknowledge it the better.
This sort of thing has never happened before. It's because of
meditation that i'm able to do that. It helps me to have more power
over people. I'm the boss, but i don't act like the boss. If they're
going to act like kids, then i have to tell them when they're doing
something wrong and help them to acknowledge that so they don't keep
doing it.
Also, Sir has been giving me a lot of support and helping me be clear on what to
say and what not to say.
~Mark @markenglish13
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