Sunday, August 12, 2012
#46 - Intro To The Next 9 Blog Posts -
The next 9 blog postings, starting after this one, will consist entirely of entries from my journal. Please note, that in Blog Post #37, the last part of that blog posting was entirely an entry from my journal on March 3, 2012. The next blog post after this one (i.e. Blog Post #47) will be the next entry from my journal immediately following the entry i posted in Blog Post #37. I had been keeping a journal right up until a couple days before i was detained by the police in the early morning hours of June 1, 2012, and i would like to gradually relay these journal entries to you. So, my next blog post, after this one will be my journal entry from March 4, 2012. I hope you enjoy. Love, Mark
Saturday, August 11, 2012
#45 - Total Recap Part 4 of 4 -
August 11, 2012
Dear Flower,
Dear Flower,
-
I have improved my sincerity towards my spiritual life…
o
Now, I don’t care, one
way or the other whether I’m able to meditate or whether I have the sundar
(pronounced: shun-dar). I meditate because it’s a requirement of my life,
because I want to realise God, not to achieve something, such as better looks
and a wife, which is the proper way to meditate. Not being concerned with
whether or not you were able to meditate and thinking of yourself as a beginner
is the proper way to meditate, along with being regular and punctual. And
that’s what I try to do today.
o
I am determined to
continue to go to bed at a decent time each night, as I did in the mental
health clinic, so that I can get a good amount of sleep each night and be up
for my 6am meditation without being too tired. If I fall asleep by 930 or 10pm,
that should give me 7.5 to 8 hours sleep each night if I get up at 5:30am. So,
my goal is to stick to that each night, even though it’s difficult. That’s been
hard for me to go to bed early, but I can do it.
o
I definitely will be taking my life even more seriously
from now on.
-
Parents harbour too much disrespect towards me…
o
Both of my parents harbour too much disrespect towards
me. And this not only makes it very difficult to communicate properly to them,
it is not healthy for my daughter’s well being.
o
My father, in particular, needs to apologize for losing
his temper and venting his anger upon me countless times. He has never
apologized. He needs to recognized and acknowledge that this leaves scars, otherwise we are not making progress and the environment in which they are in
is therefore not healthy for Brooklyn.
o
My mother has also been disrespectful towards me around
Brooklyn. This is simply because they are harbouring disrespect towards me
beneath the surface and they are not able to deal with it in a wise way rather
than causing harm. She has been disrespectful to me around Brooklyn in ways I
don’t think she is even able to understand. The disrespect is there, under the
surface, so it comes out with the way I am treated even if nothing is
explicitly said. For instance, my mother telling me to make sure Brooklyn goes
to bed at a certain time, and tell her to clean up her toys in her room first,
and so forth all right in front of Brooklyn undermines my authority over
Brooklyn; it’s not the right message to be sending Brooklyn; my mother is
teaching me and Brooklyn that she (my mother) doesn’t have any respect for me:
that she doesn’t think I’m smart enough and mature enough to know to do these
things on my own without being told.
o
When you think someone is making mistakes, that doesn’t
warrant you to become disrespectful to the person; in fact, perhaps it is a
sign they could use a little more love and support in their life, because maybe
something is lacking.
-
Review Board hearing…
o
After about one and a half months of being stuck in the
hospital, there was a Review Board hearing, which I applied for, on whether to
change my status to voluntary
o My
parents attended, but they spoke ill of me. They spoke many words that would
try to create a bad impression of me, mentioning many things that would make me
look bad, which included telling lies and taking things out of context
o
The Board members at this hearing decided to make my
status at the mental health clinic voluntary, which essentially meant I could
leave whenever I wanted.
o The
Board decided that I was neither a threat to myself nor to anyone else
o I
will not be "mentally deteriorating" as suggested from my doctor
(i.e. my psychiatrist). I will be living a happy, good life as i have been for
the last 8 to 10 years. I am a perfectly normal person who deserves to go back
to his life.
-
My financial situation is very dire and uncertain…
o
At first, I wasn’t able to leave the mental health
clinic even if I wanted to, because I had nowhere to go and no money
o
For the longest time, I didn’t know if I would have a
place to live. Before going to the hospital, I had attempted to move out of my
condo unit by paying a new landlord $600 for one month’s worth of rent.
o
My friend John has been helping me out tremendously by
giving me a little bit of work and giving me his laptop to use, which is what I
am using now
o
I am in the midst of looking for freelance web design
work
o
The last social services cheque (for about $530) was
about two weeks ago; most of that went to my rent. I have still not finished
paying the entirety of my July rent.
-
Everything worked out in the end…
o
I am now renting two rooms in a house which I initially
reserved by paying $600 rent prior to being forced to stay in the mental health
clinic
o
I was permanently out of the hospital by July 26, 2012
o
However, my financial situation is still very dire and
uncertain
o
Steve is the owner of the house and is my landlord, I
feel like he is helping me out tremendously
o
John (a friend I met while in the mental health clinic)
is also still helping me out tremendously, including financially
-
I haven’t seen my daughter for almost 4 months…
o
The mother has been violating the court order starting
about a month before I was brought to the hospital. She began violating the
court order and not allowing me to see Brooklyn immediately after I started
confronting her by email about the fact that she has been brainwashing Brooklyn
to lie and keep secrets about anything to do with her con boyfriend
o
This brainwashing and the disrespect Erin (the mother)
has harboured towards me has caused a lot of behaviour problems in Brooklyn
o
Erin all of a sudden began to come up with reasons that
are bad about me as to why I should all of a sudden not see Brooklyn, even
mentioning things from 10 years ago that have nothing to do with what is going
on now
o
Erin has not allowed me to speak to Brooklyn on the
phone for over a month. The first time I called, she didn’t know it was me, and
hasn’t answered the phone since. She also doesn’t answer the phone when I call
from a pay phone.
o
Erin has not even suggested or encouraged supervised
visits out of respect for her daughter’s need to see her father
o
I have a custody hearing coming up soon, but I don’t
know when the date is yet
o
I still don’t have a legal aid to help me fight my
custody battle
o
I feel like I am wounding my poor child by not being
with her and not being able to give her the proper upbringing that she deserves
o
I feel like it is partially my fault that Brooklyn has
to suffer, because I was the one, 9 years ago, who was being self-destructive
and got involved with Erin only with a self-destructive state of mind
o
I have to focus on preparing for the court hearing
coming up which is over custody of my 8 year old daughter
-
~Sir’s~ presence…
o
There is something to be said about my friend, ~Sir~: i
will never get to see him again on earth, for his physical body has moved on to
its death, but he is continuously reminding me of his inner presence
o
He is extremely kind; He shows me tremendous love and concern;
He helps me feel loved and shows me the support that is lacking elsewhere in my
life
o I get the sense that He is looking after me, but also
has everything already planned for me
~Mark
Friday, August 10, 2012
#44 - Total Recap Part 3 of 4
August 10, 2012
Dear Flower,
- My Anxiety disorder...
Dear Flower,
- My Anxiety disorder...
o
I started addressing this anxiety disorder through a
family doctor about 2 years ago for the first time since I was about 17 or 18 years old (I am now 36).
o
When I was 17, I saw a psychologist for a short period
of time who diagnosed me with an “anxiety depression”.
o
This anxiety disorder has caused me many failures in
life, much deprivation. There would be much more fulfilling social, and
financial, experiences I would be having in my life if it wasn’t for this
anxiety disorder.
o
I feel this anxiety disorder was caused primarily due
to the way I was raised by my mother and father, and the toxicity that my
sister and I went through growing up. My parents were arguing, fighting, a lot;
they had bad fights, and had problems with their marriage. The abuse they
vented onto each other they also began to vent upon Stacy and I. And it is a sin
that poor Stacy and I had to suffer through that. We both are victims of child
abuse.
o
My anxiety disorder really started to rule my life
right around the age of 16 or 17. It became horrific. Both my parents were
heavy drinkers and the “escape” or “happiness” that I learned by that age was
that of consuming alcoholic beverages, preferably with friends, but by this age
I was getting drunk alone day in and day out.
o
I saw no hope for my future. I saw my future as dying
on the streets as some drunk, and that was definitely where I was heading.
o I started learning to meditate in 1994 when i was 18 years old and it very quickly changed my life for the better
-
Getting angry with ~Sir~...
o
The self-destruction I went through back between 1998
and 2004 when angry or resentful against ~Sir~ and the actions I made to
attempt to spite him has made it appear as though I have schizophrenia
o
There were many things I did that were self destructive
out of anger and spite towards ~Sir~ including drinking heavily, and making it
appear to others as though he was doing serious things to harm me. This
included going to hospitals to try to get him “caught”, and this got recorded in
my health records, and rather than causing any damage towards him, it
simply made me appear to have schizophrenia
o
Never seeming to be able to meditate properly no matter
how much I tried seemed to be one of the reasons why I was getting angry
o
I will be looking for second opinions on the
schizophrenia diagnosis
-
Bad decisions because of my anxiety disorder...
o
The only way i ever met
an individual who basically introduced me to crack-cocaine was because i was
trying to self medicate myself so that i could get past my anxiety and talk to
girls—so i wouldn't be alone for the rest of my life—so i could be more like
you, and have a family, have loved ones around me most of the time. My anxiety
is/was so bad i felt i didn't have a choice. All it was was to help me get over
a little bump; once i'm past that bump i could be fine, but i needed something
to give me the momentum, the confidence. Because i have had a life of very
little social successes. I was severely emotionally abused and by the time i
was 15/16 i couldn't even function in society. I felt a six-pack of beer and a
little bit of crack would give me the confidence to have a few social
successes—exactly what i need.
-
The Sundar...
o
I have taken the good looks that I get from meditation in
the wrong way over the last couple years or so; for instance, I was often
meditating just so I could develop more good looks. Instead of meditating as a
service to God, which is how one should meditate, I was meditating to retrieve
more good looks. I wanted to achieve better looks and then meet a girl in a
bar. Unfortunately, somehow I justified also drinking and doing drugs to
self-medicate my anxiety disorder to help me have the confidence to start
conversations with girls.
~Mark
Thursday, August 9, 2012
#43 - Total Recap Part 2 of 4 -
August 10, 2012
Dear Flower,
- On the evening of May 31, 2012, I finally got some sleep: about 7 hours worth. I must have gone to bed pretty early ‘cause I woke up at about 1am. After I woke up, I took a shower, got ready, meditated and a few other things. I had to get dressed after my shower, but I still felt like there were tiny cameras of some sort within my condo unit that were still active. For instance, I felt the device within the thermometer was a tiny camera. And I wanted to block it in some way because I had to get dressed. So, I went and grabbed some shaving cream and sprayed shaving cream all over it to cover it up. I also felt the big mirror, which was on the floor, to the big dresser in my room had some sort of recording camera device in it. So, I turned it around, upside down while I got dressed. Then, after I was dressed, I placed it back so that the mirror side was facing the thermometer with shaving cream covering it. I had felt that someone from the FBI or CIA turned this particular mirror into a camera-recording device, and now the image on their monitor for this device would be the snow-like covered thermometer.
- What I find very interesting is that, one time when my parents visited me within the mental health clinic, I told them about the various tiny recording devices I had found around the condo unit, and my Dad, for no particular reason whatsoever, offered up the aforementioned mirror as a possible recording device, even though I didn’t mention that at all. Thanks, Dan. It doesn’t make any sense why you would suggest that. But, thanks.
- By the time I left my place, it was about 1:30am on June 1, 2012. I didn’t know exactly where I was gonna go, but I dressed as though I was going to Florida with a white t-shirt that had the word “Florida” written over the front of it and a yellow short sleeve button up shirt over top of it, unbuttoned, and flip-flops.
- I was walking around the Basinview Dr. and Medowbrook Dr. and Basinview Dr. and Rutledge St. area at around 3:00am to 4:00am.with a plastic reusable grocery bag over my shoulders, with various innocuous items in it, wearing a white t-shirt and a yellow unbuttoned short sleeve collar shirt, and flip flops.
- I didn’t know where to go, because I felt that, wherever I went, police were following me and trying to nab me for anything they could possibly nab me for.
- I left my laptop in a wooded area at the edge of Highway 102 near Meadow Brook Dr. and Basinview Dr. About 3 or 4 days ago, I went back to that area and retrieved my laptop (i.e. it was still there waiting for me). I will be heading to a specialty shop soon to try to retrieve the data that is on the hard drive of this laptop and put this data onto a dvd.
- I walked along the Highway 102 for a while from about the Meadow Brook Dr. and Basinview Dr. area to the Rutledge St. and Basinview Dr. area. Once I got to the Rutledge St. and Basinview Dr. area, I decided I wanted to walk to a condo building that was at the corner of Rutledge St. and Basinview Dr. To do this, I had to walk through some bushes initially and then cut through the backyard of somebody’s house and essentially walk in between two houses until I arrived at the actual street. While I was cutting in between the two houses someone within one of the houses looked out a window and saw me. She then came out of the house and asked me what I was doing on her property, to which I had no satisfactory response for her because I didn’t want to bother explaining to her that I was walking along the 102. So, since she wasn’t satisfied that I wasn’t some kind of burglar, I let her have the plastic reusable grocery bag I was carrying and told her to give it back to me later.
- The lady’s husband also came out to question why I was on their property. They may have called the police, however, I don’t know for sure. Most likely, they did, as they thought, at least initially, that I was doing something wrong.
- When I arrived at the parking lot of this condo building, I spoke very briefly to a cab driver jokingly about the incident that just occurred. About probably less than 5 seconds later, a police car gradually approached me in the parking lot without turning their vehicle’s police lights on, which made it seem like they were approaching me secretively.
- Without making any attempt to help me understand why I would have any reason to be detained, the first “police officer” attempted to put me in handcuffs. The initial attempt, which was pathetic to say the least, failed, (because I pulled my arm away out of his grasp) and, after which, an additional “police officer” came over to assist the first guy in putting me in handcuffs. But, my point is, they never communicated a single thing to me as to why I would have any reason to be detained; they also did not call for backup, which is very strange behaviour according to how members of the Halifax Regional Police Department would normally behave.
- They had the handcuffs on so tight behind my back with me lying on the ground, and both of them on top of me, that it felt like they were slitting my wrists. I was screaming and yelling the entire time for somebody to come help me, but nobody came to help. It was about 4 o’clock in the morning.
- Other than that prior incident of cutting through someone’s property, I had virtually no reason to be detained by the police, because I was doing virtually nothing wrong and, other than walking along the 102, I was not acting strange enough to warrant such a hostile take down.
- In my mind, these were not police officers, this was the CIA disguised as Halifax Regional police officers. I thought they were trying to kill me. After they had me in handcuffs, I lied to them and told them I had taken 14 hits of LSD, earlier. In my mind, I had previously made the CIA look bad by my recent actions over the last few days. And I felt that telling them that I had taken 14 hits of acid was a way for them to make me look crazy rather than credible in any way and therefore give them a reason to not kill me.
- The numbness in my fingers caused by the handcuffs cutting off my circulation lasted for months.
- An ambulance eventually arrived on the scene and in the early morning hours of June 1, 2012, I was brought to the Halifax Infirmary by ambulance and arrived at approximately 6:00am.
- I did not fully understand the justification as to why I was forced to stay at the Abbey J. Lane mental health clinic until my psychiatrist spoke of the reasons why during the Review Board hearing over whether my status should be changed to voluntary.
- I will be researching the various events that took place in the early morning by doing a number of things including retrieving a copy of the police report for that incident, and trying to speak to the individuals whose yard I cut through at around 3:30 in the morning.
- I feel like we are in a period in which a massive wave of positive changes is taking place. So, from now until the next year or so (although i do not intend to put a duration on it), we/i will be experiencing a lot of massive positive changes. There may be some experiences that will appear to be adversities but when they are through and when you take a look at them with the bigger picture they will be seen as contributing to positive results.
#42 - Total Recap Part 1 of 4 -
August 10, 2012
Dear Flower,
- During the day, on May 30th, 2012, I posted some stuff on my public Facebook wall that probably freaked a lot of people out; I don’t know, or maybe most people thought it was a hoax. I posted something called “The Burn”, which I thought was a disease that was going to be deliberately started by some people with chemicals that cause burn to the skin. And the burn on the skin would feel as a bad as fire. And the disbelievers, the ones that didn’t listen to me, they could be eventually saved, but they would have to go through some kind of purification, or sanitization, process where they would have to be covered with a substance that looks like snow. I later realized that it wasn’t literally a disease at all that was about to be started. I was wrong on that. And, during the next 24-48 hours I was trying to find an Internet connection to get back on the Internet and post on my wall that I was wrong about it being a disease and that nobody had to worry.
- On the evening of May 30th, 2012, I began to trash my place looking for bugs (i.e. recording devices). During the act of doing this, I partially emptied a can of Drano, which is a mixture of chemicals that are used to de-clog drains and that are dangerous in the sense that if they are heated they could cause some kind of fire or explosion; also, if they touch your skin they will cause a burn of the skin. Also, while looking for various recording devices, I broke off the cover of the thermometer for the same bedroom in which I spilled these chemicals on the carpet. I broke the thermometer trying to figure out if there was a recording device within it somehow, and that caused the room to heat up significantly. The heat continued to rise and rise. And I had no idea how hot it would get in there or how to shut off the heat because the thermometer was broken.
- I felt I was leaving the place and never coming back; I didn’t care about the fact that I was trashing the place because I felt that my father, the owner of the unit, was the one who was mainly responsible for placing the recording devices within the unit. And it was the superintended who allowed him access into the building. I’m not an idiot.
- However, I did forget my keys to the unit, and left in a hurry (because I felt that the superintended was probably in the midst of calling the police for what he became aware of what was going on within my unit). The problem is that I not only locked my keys within the unit, which I realized after I left the building entirely, I also forgot about the precarious situation in my bedroom where the broken thermometer was heating up the room significantly and where there was Drano chemicals all over the carpet.
- I realized I had no choice but to call 911. I was embarrassed to call 911 because earlier that day I had posted The Burn on my public Facebook wall which people probably thought was a hoax. But I didn’t want the building to catch fire and all those poor old people in the building to experience some horrific burn of the skin all because of me. So, I had to call 911, I had no choice.
- Problem is, when I called 911 from a pay phone near McDonald’s on Bedford Hwy, the 911 operator didn’t take me very seriously. I was the guy who had, earlier that day, posted The Burn all over my public Facebook wall, and, I suppose, it’s possible that this posting went somehow viral and the Halifax Police were aware of it, and probably thought it was meant to be some big hoax. She told me the police would be there in about an hour, which I thought was kinda strange since I told her I felt the building was about to burn down. She also started to try to gather all my personal information, like my birth date and so forth, which had nothing to do with the point of the call. So, I got frustrated with her, hung up on her, and went back to the building.
- Anyway, a police officer did finally come to the building and contacted the super to help me to get back in. The police officer was just so hesitant. He wasn’t behaving like someone who thought there could about to be a fire, he was going very slowly, and it took a while to convince him that it wasn’t actually a hoax as I showed him the broken thermometer and the Drano chemicals all over the floor, and the various devices that I found. Weird.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
#41 - My Implicit Communication With The Police Officer on June 1st -
August 7, 2012
Dear Flower,
For this blog posting, i'm going to talk to you about the implicit communication i felt i had with the police officer that first approached me at around 4am on June 1, 2012.
First of all, i am still not convinced that they were police officers. If they were, then they may have been secret or "undercover" in some way even though they were in police uniforms. I don't recall even seeing the second police officer; he only approached me to help the first police officer put me in hand cuffs behind my back. And he was mostly behind my back, so i never really got a good look at him.
But i want to talk to you about the communication that i had with particularly the first police officer that approached me. I was walking in the parking lot of a condo building in Bedford, NS, doing nothing wrong, and i notice a police vehicle slowly, gradually, creep up towards me. The police officers didn't put the police car lights on or anything like that. One police officer got out of the car and approached me wearing gloves. All i really remember him saying is things like, "I want to talk to you about something." I don't remember much more than that in terms of what he actually explicitly communicated.
I want to talk to you about the implicit communication that i remember. What i felt he was implying by the way that he was looking at me, the things he was saying, and the way that he was saying them. Now, i want to remind you, that i could be wrong on a lot of things. I was very low on sleep; although i did sleep the previous evening for about 7 hours, i did go without about 5 or 6 days of no sleep prior to that. And i do recall now thinking a number of different things that i know now are not true. However, i still do feel that what i felt was being implicitly communicated that morning was actually correct, or, at least, very close to it. I still feel that way.
First of all, the police officer seemed very strange to me. He didn't behave like a normal police officer, and the gloves that he was wearing looked very incongruent, i.e. they really didn't look like they belonged at all. I will try to tell you as much as i can remember. It seemed to me the gloves were there for a suspicious purpose. Now, you may be reading this and thinking, "Mark, you were not well then, you were thinking crazy ridiculous thoughts, this is nonsense." By all means, think that. But, just remember, i still feel, strongly, that what i'm about to tell you is recollection of something which is very true.
Now, i said i don't remember many things that were explicitly communicated. But i do remember a number of things that were implicitly communicated. And i'm gonna start from the beginning, from the beginning of what i remember.
First of all, the police officer didn't seem too sure about himself. He didn't seem like he was very interested in talking with me. He seemed almost passive, or perhaps even slightly nervous. He didn't seem very strong or assertive in his approach. He tried to approach me saying something like, "I just want to talk to you about something", and i backed away. Then i walked towards the entrance of the condo building. And i tried to open the door to the foyer, but it was locked, which is very strange because in order for visitors to get into the building they need to be able to go into the foyer so that they can press the buttons to the various units.
When i was standing at the front door, which had a glass entrance, there began some implicit communication between me and this particular "police officer". I don't remember the exact words that were said, but here is the implicit communication of which i strongly recall:
First of all, the police officer looked like he had tears in his eyes. I saw in his eyes that he had to kill me, and he was very disturbed about this; he had to follow orders to kill me and he really didn't want to because he thought it was wrong; i was an innocent person; he not only liked me, he loved me, because he already knew who i was; he didn't want to kill me so bad that it showed deeply in his eyes and it appeared as though there were tears beginning to weld up in his eyes.
Then he said a few things, of which the words i do not recall, but, once again, i remember what was communicated implicitly. He told me that he had to kill me and he wanted some kind of reassurance from me that this would not happen. And so, i reassured him that no, i would not be killed. (Because i knew that ~Sir~ would protect me and He would not allow that to happen.) Then he had a different thing to say. HE was going to get killed if HE didn't kill ME. So, he looked for reassurance from me again on whether HE would get killed. And so i reassured him again, that no, he also would not get killed. I knew, that if i said that, i was confident enough that ~Dear Sir~ would back up my promise.
Prior to this short conversation, i asked him if he would like to join the FBI with me (explicitly). And he said yes (implicitly). I, for some reason, felt that the FBI were in that condo building. It was very strange that the front door to that building was locked. And there were some boxes on the floor within the foyer. When i glanced at the boxes and tried to figure out what they were or why they were there, the "police officer" looked very uncomfortable with the fact that i was doing that and tried to distract my attention away from them.
By the way, i went there the other day, to this condo building, just to check it out. I believe it is 277 Rutledge St., in Bedford, at the corner of Rutledge and Basinview. And i checked the front door to the foyer, and it opens; obviously (i.e. it's not a locked door). How else could people, visitors, get into the foyer to press the buzzers to the various units. And there were no boxes sitting on the floor of the foyer.
Anyway, shortly after our implicit communication, the second "police officer" approached me and began to assist the first police officer with putting me in handcuffs behind my back. Virtually nothing was said about the reason why i was being put into handcuffs or what was going on. However, the first police officer did say, "I think there's going to be a fight," before i even made any slightest effort to fight against them (and, according to me, i never gave him any reason to believe that i would put up a fight prior to that; i didn't even know he intended to put me in handcuffs). To me, he just implicitly communicated to me that i need to fight this to help me win it (i.e. to survive). So, after he said that, I started to fight with all my might.
They eventually got me into handcuffs, behind my back, with me lying face down on the pavement, and proceeded to simply sit on me for one or two hours so that i could not move away. I yelled and screamed for somebody to help me the entire time. At one point, the first police officer said, "He's pretty strong." And i could tell by the tone of his voice that he was happy, he was nervous, but feel good that they were failing at killing me. In other words, despite cutting off my circulation for so long, i was still not losing conciousness. Yes, it *is* possible to kill a human being by cutting off their circulation; it has to be done over an extended period of time and must continue after they lose conciousness.
And, as i'm sure you can tell by this blog post, i did actually live.
Oh yeah, there was one other thing: during the initial struggle i almost took off one of the first "police officer's" leather gloves (the second one wasn't wearing gloves), and he became very nervous about that as i was about to do it and momentarily ceased from struggling to get my wrists into the handcuffs to put his glove back on properly. That was kinda odd.
'Til next time: Take care, and God Bless.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
For this blog posting, i'm going to talk to you about the implicit communication i felt i had with the police officer that first approached me at around 4am on June 1, 2012.
First of all, i am still not convinced that they were police officers. If they were, then they may have been secret or "undercover" in some way even though they were in police uniforms. I don't recall even seeing the second police officer; he only approached me to help the first police officer put me in hand cuffs behind my back. And he was mostly behind my back, so i never really got a good look at him.
But i want to talk to you about the communication that i had with particularly the first police officer that approached me. I was walking in the parking lot of a condo building in Bedford, NS, doing nothing wrong, and i notice a police vehicle slowly, gradually, creep up towards me. The police officers didn't put the police car lights on or anything like that. One police officer got out of the car and approached me wearing gloves. All i really remember him saying is things like, "I want to talk to you about something." I don't remember much more than that in terms of what he actually explicitly communicated.
I want to talk to you about the implicit communication that i remember. What i felt he was implying by the way that he was looking at me, the things he was saying, and the way that he was saying them. Now, i want to remind you, that i could be wrong on a lot of things. I was very low on sleep; although i did sleep the previous evening for about 7 hours, i did go without about 5 or 6 days of no sleep prior to that. And i do recall now thinking a number of different things that i know now are not true. However, i still do feel that what i felt was being implicitly communicated that morning was actually correct, or, at least, very close to it. I still feel that way.
First of all, the police officer seemed very strange to me. He didn't behave like a normal police officer, and the gloves that he was wearing looked very incongruent, i.e. they really didn't look like they belonged at all. I will try to tell you as much as i can remember. It seemed to me the gloves were there for a suspicious purpose. Now, you may be reading this and thinking, "Mark, you were not well then, you were thinking crazy ridiculous thoughts, this is nonsense." By all means, think that. But, just remember, i still feel, strongly, that what i'm about to tell you is recollection of something which is very true.
Now, i said i don't remember many things that were explicitly communicated. But i do remember a number of things that were implicitly communicated. And i'm gonna start from the beginning, from the beginning of what i remember.
First of all, the police officer didn't seem too sure about himself. He didn't seem like he was very interested in talking with me. He seemed almost passive, or perhaps even slightly nervous. He didn't seem very strong or assertive in his approach. He tried to approach me saying something like, "I just want to talk to you about something", and i backed away. Then i walked towards the entrance of the condo building. And i tried to open the door to the foyer, but it was locked, which is very strange because in order for visitors to get into the building they need to be able to go into the foyer so that they can press the buttons to the various units.
When i was standing at the front door, which had a glass entrance, there began some implicit communication between me and this particular "police officer". I don't remember the exact words that were said, but here is the implicit communication of which i strongly recall:
First of all, the police officer looked like he had tears in his eyes. I saw in his eyes that he had to kill me, and he was very disturbed about this; he had to follow orders to kill me and he really didn't want to because he thought it was wrong; i was an innocent person; he not only liked me, he loved me, because he already knew who i was; he didn't want to kill me so bad that it showed deeply in his eyes and it appeared as though there were tears beginning to weld up in his eyes.
Then he said a few things, of which the words i do not recall, but, once again, i remember what was communicated implicitly. He told me that he had to kill me and he wanted some kind of reassurance from me that this would not happen. And so, i reassured him that no, i would not be killed. (Because i knew that ~Sir~ would protect me and He would not allow that to happen.) Then he had a different thing to say. HE was going to get killed if HE didn't kill ME. So, he looked for reassurance from me again on whether HE would get killed. And so i reassured him again, that no, he also would not get killed. I knew, that if i said that, i was confident enough that ~Dear Sir~ would back up my promise.
Prior to this short conversation, i asked him if he would like to join the FBI with me (explicitly). And he said yes (implicitly). I, for some reason, felt that the FBI were in that condo building. It was very strange that the front door to that building was locked. And there were some boxes on the floor within the foyer. When i glanced at the boxes and tried to figure out what they were or why they were there, the "police officer" looked very uncomfortable with the fact that i was doing that and tried to distract my attention away from them.
By the way, i went there the other day, to this condo building, just to check it out. I believe it is 277 Rutledge St., in Bedford, at the corner of Rutledge and Basinview. And i checked the front door to the foyer, and it opens; obviously (i.e. it's not a locked door). How else could people, visitors, get into the foyer to press the buzzers to the various units. And there were no boxes sitting on the floor of the foyer.
Anyway, shortly after our implicit communication, the second "police officer" approached me and began to assist the first police officer with putting me in handcuffs behind my back. Virtually nothing was said about the reason why i was being put into handcuffs or what was going on. However, the first police officer did say, "I think there's going to be a fight," before i even made any slightest effort to fight against them (and, according to me, i never gave him any reason to believe that i would put up a fight prior to that; i didn't even know he intended to put me in handcuffs). To me, he just implicitly communicated to me that i need to fight this to help me win it (i.e. to survive). So, after he said that, I started to fight with all my might.
They eventually got me into handcuffs, behind my back, with me lying face down on the pavement, and proceeded to simply sit on me for one or two hours so that i could not move away. I yelled and screamed for somebody to help me the entire time. At one point, the first police officer said, "He's pretty strong." And i could tell by the tone of his voice that he was happy, he was nervous, but feel good that they were failing at killing me. In other words, despite cutting off my circulation for so long, i was still not losing conciousness. Yes, it *is* possible to kill a human being by cutting off their circulation; it has to be done over an extended period of time and must continue after they lose conciousness.
And, as i'm sure you can tell by this blog post, i did actually live.
Oh yeah, there was one other thing: during the initial struggle i almost took off one of the first "police officer's" leather gloves (the second one wasn't wearing gloves), and he became very nervous about that as i was about to do it and momentarily ceased from struggling to get my wrists into the handcuffs to put his glove back on properly. That was kinda odd.
'Til next time: Take care, and God Bless.
~Mark @markenglish13
Sunday, August 5, 2012
#40 - Brooklyn's Mother's Predicament -
August 5, 2012
Dear Flower,
Dear Flower,
There is sort of a foyer at Starbucks-Chapters in Dartmouth
by Mic Mac Mall and it is enclosed by glass windows and doors; it serves as an
intermediate area between the exterior and the interior of the building.
Today, I was working at Starbucks, and I sat right next to
this foyer, which enabled me to notice the plight of a particular bug which was
too big to be a hornet, but too ugly and scary looking to not have some sort of
stinger or bite mechanism to it. And it was stuck there within this foyer. Somehow
it got in, and it could not get out. It smacked and banged again and again on
different parts of the windows, and it was encased within this glass trap; it
had no way of getting out on it’s own; somehow somebody would have to open a
door and either unwittingly let it into the building or help it get back
outside into the outdoors. The bug got itself into this predicament.
And I could help but notice the similarities with Erin’s
(the mother of my child) situation. I don’t mean to insult anybody; i’m not
talking about the ugliness of the bug. I’m talking about the bug’s predicament.
Erin is now enclosed within a glass trap with no way out until somebody helps
her get out of it.
I have already received an affidavit from her listing
various bad things about me—many of them made up, or some how taken out of
context and meant to imply something negative about me—as to why I should not
be having anything to do with Brooklyn. She made the decision to all of a
sudden keep Brooklyn from me immediately after I started confronting her by
email about how she is brainwashing Brooklyn to lie and keep secrets about her
relationship with her con boyfriend. Even though I’ve been raising Brooklyn
with all the love in my heart since the very day she was born, I, according to
Erin, am so bad that I must not have anything at all to do with her all of a
sudden. All of a sudden, I can’t even speak to her on the phone; I can’t even
have supervised visits with her. And I just couldn’t help but notice, kind of
humorously, the similarities between the bug’s predicament and that of Erin’s. I don't know what actually happened to the bug. I kinda forgot about it and went back to work.
~Mark @markenglish13
~Mark @markenglish13
Friday, August 3, 2012
#39 - Overview -
Dear Flower,
- As I’ve said numerous times before: I am permanently out of the mental health clinic
- There was never a real justification for me to be brought to the hospital in the first place
- I lied to the police and told them I took 14 hits of acid ‘cause I thought they were trying to kill me. And the doctor who initially assessed me believed the officers when they told him that
- Frankly, I’m still not convinceed that they were real police officers to begin with…. I’m not convinced that they weren’t real police officers either—there are a lot of unanswered questions
- If it wasn’t for the police detaining me for no rhyme or reason, I wouldn’t even have ended up in the mental hospital
- The police had cut off my blood circulation with the extremely tight handcuffs for such a lengthy period of time that they could have killed me. I’d like to know what was really going on
- I had to repeat certain things over and over again to help me not lose consciousness such as: “I will not give up” repeated over and over again
- Prior to being detained, the Lord Supreme spoke to me, but I didn’t know what He was referring to at first; He said, “Now listen: I need you to be tough. Be strong here, okay? This is very important.” At the time, I felt like I was already being strong, but I didn’t know what He was actually referring to until the police began to put me in handcuffs
- I was acting kinda strange when I was brought to the hospital but that was probably from lack of sleep—prior to that night, i went about 5 or 6 consecutive days with zero sleep
- For the first couple of weeks I was in the mental hospital, I had a hard time trying to remember what Brooklyn’s mother’s phone number was. I tried dialling numerous number combinations until I finally remembered what it was. When I called, Erin, the mom, answered and I asked to speak to Brooklyn, and then I spoke to Brooklyn for a few minutes. My intention, and my promise to Brooklyn, was to call her every day from that point on. But every single time I tried calling since then, the mother would not answer the phone. It’s a shame. That poor child doesn’t deserve any of this
- I still do not have a legal aid or lawyer to help represent me in my court custody case
- I’m also still looking for freelance web design work
Thursday, August 2, 2012
#38 - Everybody Must Follow The Rules -
August 2, 2012
Dear Flower,
Let me go back to talking about my parents for a moment. I want to try to explain myself a little better, because it’s important to me that you understand what I’m talking about. I don’t want to unwittingly cause you to think I’m talking about something that I am not.
Just because somebody does something wrong, doesn’t give somebody an excuse to become very disrespectful to that person; people must be treated with respect at all times—even if you think that person is being disrespectful to you. We’ve gone past the animal stage and we’re in the human stage where this sort of thing really needs to be considered at all times in all circumstances. This is something that really gets to the core of a lot of problems that are taking place all over the world.
What I need is to simply speak up about the disrespect that comes from my parents. And, then whatever happens happens; i can’t control my parents’ behaviour. Forgiveness will always take place. Speaking up about it (on my part), is not the lack of forgiveness, it’s an effort to plant a seed in their heart that will gradually germinate. I have made many mistakes myself, so, there’s no reason for me not forgive. I have relied on God’s Forgiveness; otherwise, I’d be a mess.
I understand that people take a long time to change even when they are making an effort to do so. I know this, because my own life is a shining example. I have been trying to improve myself for over 18 years now. And I still have many flaws. The only change I am looking for is that which may come after admitting ones wrong doing, or admitting that they also must follow the rules. Admitting that they must follow the same rules as Brooklyn doesn’t mean that they will always be able to do so, but we will have almost certainly created an atmosphere where it will become a lot easier for everybody, because when people are nicer to each other it’s easier to be nicer and more respectful in return.
For the very reason that people are unable to change overnight, I can’t go and welcome them back into my life with all the love in my heart and soul unless and until I am earning a healthy income, and have a much more improved financial situation. I have made bad decisions that have resulted in the financial weakness that I am in now. I am partially to blame here. I feel their disrespect towards me is primarily centered on my financial weakness, what caused it, and the potential of me tarnishing their reputation or causing them money problems.
But this goes way back to when I was a child. I was raised with a lot of disrespect. I am just speaking up about it, because regardless of what happens, the mean, ugly elephant is still there under the surface. And I believe it’s because there’s no acknowledgment from them about what’s right and wrong. I’m not looking for a change; I’m looking for an admission that they must also follow the rules.
The rules are the same for everybody. Brooklyn, my 8 year old daughter, is not allowed to treat people disrespectfully, neither should my mother and father. We must follow something where everybody follows the rules. A situation where I must follow the rules, and Brooklyn must follow the rules, but they don’t have to follow the rules is not gonna work. I can’t be a part of that.
And the way to change is to simply admit or acknowledge that, and to keep on admitting it. Brooklyn has been disrespectful to me countless times. Does that mean I get to become very disrespectful to her? Our dark qualities must not take the lead. That is why we have laws in our society—to keep our dark qualities under control to a certain degree. That is why there should be rules or principles outlined in a household that all members must follow. What do you do when, naturally, a rule or principle is broken? You go back to acknowledging what the rules are. No, people cannot change overnight, but we definitely need laws in society and principles within households.
‘Cause this is what’s right—if you don’t do what’s right, the doors are always open there to do the same thing that’s been done before. And, for me to allow that would be disrespectful to my child. I have a responsibility to teach my parents that everybody is supposed to be treated with respect even when someone makes a mistake and seems disrespectful. If they’re not going to attempt to follow the rules then that’s not the kind of household I can bring my child into.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
Let me go back to talking about my parents for a moment. I want to try to explain myself a little better, because it’s important to me that you understand what I’m talking about. I don’t want to unwittingly cause you to think I’m talking about something that I am not.
Just because somebody does something wrong, doesn’t give somebody an excuse to become very disrespectful to that person; people must be treated with respect at all times—even if you think that person is being disrespectful to you. We’ve gone past the animal stage and we’re in the human stage where this sort of thing really needs to be considered at all times in all circumstances. This is something that really gets to the core of a lot of problems that are taking place all over the world.
What I need is to simply speak up about the disrespect that comes from my parents. And, then whatever happens happens; i can’t control my parents’ behaviour. Forgiveness will always take place. Speaking up about it (on my part), is not the lack of forgiveness, it’s an effort to plant a seed in their heart that will gradually germinate. I have made many mistakes myself, so, there’s no reason for me not forgive. I have relied on God’s Forgiveness; otherwise, I’d be a mess.
I understand that people take a long time to change even when they are making an effort to do so. I know this, because my own life is a shining example. I have been trying to improve myself for over 18 years now. And I still have many flaws. The only change I am looking for is that which may come after admitting ones wrong doing, or admitting that they also must follow the rules. Admitting that they must follow the same rules as Brooklyn doesn’t mean that they will always be able to do so, but we will have almost certainly created an atmosphere where it will become a lot easier for everybody, because when people are nicer to each other it’s easier to be nicer and more respectful in return.
For the very reason that people are unable to change overnight, I can’t go and welcome them back into my life with all the love in my heart and soul unless and until I am earning a healthy income, and have a much more improved financial situation. I have made bad decisions that have resulted in the financial weakness that I am in now. I am partially to blame here. I feel their disrespect towards me is primarily centered on my financial weakness, what caused it, and the potential of me tarnishing their reputation or causing them money problems.
But this goes way back to when I was a child. I was raised with a lot of disrespect. I am just speaking up about it, because regardless of what happens, the mean, ugly elephant is still there under the surface. And I believe it’s because there’s no acknowledgment from them about what’s right and wrong. I’m not looking for a change; I’m looking for an admission that they must also follow the rules.
The rules are the same for everybody. Brooklyn, my 8 year old daughter, is not allowed to treat people disrespectfully, neither should my mother and father. We must follow something where everybody follows the rules. A situation where I must follow the rules, and Brooklyn must follow the rules, but they don’t have to follow the rules is not gonna work. I can’t be a part of that.
And the way to change is to simply admit or acknowledge that, and to keep on admitting it. Brooklyn has been disrespectful to me countless times. Does that mean I get to become very disrespectful to her? Our dark qualities must not take the lead. That is why we have laws in our society—to keep our dark qualities under control to a certain degree. That is why there should be rules or principles outlined in a household that all members must follow. What do you do when, naturally, a rule or principle is broken? You go back to acknowledging what the rules are. No, people cannot change overnight, but we definitely need laws in society and principles within households.
‘Cause this is what’s right—if you don’t do what’s right, the doors are always open there to do the same thing that’s been done before. And, for me to allow that would be disrespectful to my child. I have a responsibility to teach my parents that everybody is supposed to be treated with respect even when someone makes a mistake and seems disrespectful. If they’re not going to attempt to follow the rules then that’s not the kind of household I can bring my child into.
~Mark @markenglish13
#37 - Brooklyn's Struggles With The Mother -
August 2, 2012
Dear Flower,
As you may or may not know, Brooklyn's mother, Erin, has not allowed me to see Brooklyn since the beginning of May. I was in the hospital since June 1. There was a court date for custody scheduled for June 11. I was unable to make that court hearing because i was in the hospital involuntarily. I was stuck in the hospital for approximately 2 months. It is now early August, so, i have not been able to see my child for 3 months now.
Prior to Erin violating our court order and not allowing me to have Brooklyn during my court ordered scheduled access with her, i had been discovering from Brooklyn that Brooklyn has been, for over a few years now, brainwashed to tell lies and keep secrets about everything pertaining to Erin's current con-boyfriend--who is currently serving out his sentence in a halfway house--and her future plans with him. Brooklyn has also been brainwashed to believe that there are things wrong with me, and that she must report to mommy every time i get angry. Brooklyn has been, since about grade primary or grade one deliberately doing things she's not supposed to be doing, and i have had to learn very quickly not to address these wrong doings emotionally, i.e. with anger.
These conflicting thoughts in Brooklyn's mind has seriously impacted her behaviour for years. So, i decided, finally, to confront Erin about it by email. I have not been able to see Brooklyn since the day that i confronted Erin about the lies and secrets she's been getting her to keep.
~Mark
Please take the time to read the following past journal entry:
<<March 3, 2012>>
Dear Flower,
I've been noticing some serious behaviour problems yet again with Brooklyn this morning and i can remember thinking it really does not make any sense to me why this is happening. I can remember thinking this does not match up to how i'm raising her and how i've been raising her. And i remember thinking that something is causing this, i don't really understand what it could be, but something is causing it.
It involves strange behaviour and the same behaviour problem that i have been dealing with for a very long time now. Sorry if u got a message twice, something is messed with my comp.
I sent a message to Erin about it this morning because it was happening last night as well and i was thinking about it last night. I thought to myself, it would be best if i let Erin know every time i see this behaviour taking place and try to describe it to her.
Just to help clarifying things even more, here is a copy of that email:
Hey Erin,
I had a thought last night that i would like to start letting you know when i am experiencing awkward behaviour with her and try to describe briefly the behaviour i am seeing. This has been going on for a very long time and i think it's time we really addressed this. So, at the exact moment i'm witnessing the behaviour i'm going to let you know--not to get her in trouble. And it has to be very brief, 'cause obviously i'm tied up.
This morning before 600, she got out of bed too early, wanted to play games on the computer, i told her to go back to bed. She got out of bed secretively, i came out again and told her to go back to bed. While in bed and putting covers on her, i said go back to sleep, she said "well i'm not GONNA go back to sleep" defiantly, strange tone. Strange behaviour followed, including loud whinny sounds.
I'll try my best to describe the strange behaviour when i see it. I'd like to even keep a camera on me to try to video tape it a little bit and send that to you. Because basically what i've been seeing is the normal Brooklyn--very clearly normal--and the strange, awkward, defiant, bothersome, weird, behaviour that often includes a baby voice or hanging off me when hugging instead of hugging. Two different Brooklyns. What would be nice if i could video tape the normal Brooklyn and video tape the strange, awkward, very sensitive, Brooklyn and get those to you.
So, when i bring it to your attention again, it would probably be just a very simple, quick text message.
Thanks,
Mark
So, i've been experiencing a lot of strange, bothersome, defiant behaviour this morning. And i've been trying my best to help her get out of it, as i usually do when i have her, which usually eventually results in her being normal. And i don't know what goes on at school. Maybe she's shy at school, or has anxiety. But whatever takes place, somehow she has continued to revert back to this behaviour. And i've got expert opinion, to clarify my own view, from all her teachers, that this is NOT normal behaviour for someone her age.
I set her up with her own email address recently. That has given me the ability to send her messages that i love her, and so forth, while she's at mommy's. I thought that was helping a little. But i don't know for sure. I did notice last time i had her, her behaviour was still troublesome at times, but much better. And it really stuck out this morning as strange because it's a real and total reversion to something that's been taking place years and years ago. And i'm thinking how can that be possibly taking place after all the love and affection and respectful effort i've been putting into this? That doesn't match up. Something is f*cked up here. Something is causing this behaviour.
Then i notice later this morning that Mommy didn't show her all the funny and loving messages i sent her over the last week because i asked her about it and she said she didn't get them. So, i showed them to her. And i'm thinking that that's kinda odd. Because Erin gets the messages on her phone and she knows when i send her a message, so she would just show Brooklyn the messages on her phone. That's what she did before, the week before or whatever, but for some reason she didn't show any of them from last week.
So, then i start thinking, well maybe she was staying at somebody else's house and Erin didn't tell me.
So, i ask Brooklyn "were you at Mommy's house every day last week?"
"Um, i think so." Well, that's a weird way to answer the question, i think to myself.
So, i can tell something not quite right by the way she is acting and answering the question. Well, maybe she just doesn't remember or is not really paying attention. "Did you go to Daddy's house any day last week?" No. Okay, remember's that. "Did you go to Nan's house any day last week?" No. Okay, remember's that, seems to be paying attention. "Were you at Mommy's house every day last week?" "I think so." Well, that's not making sense, were you or weren't you? Now, she's acting strange. Similar strange behaviour that i've always been noticing. And looking at me strange, similar strange looking that i've been noticing for a long time now. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm thinking. She's looking at me like there's something wrong with me. Like, how is that related to everything we're talking about? She's acting strange, getting mad at me, looking at me weird. And not answering my questions right.
So, eventually, after helping her understand that her answers aren't making sense, she tells me "I went there with, Mommy." Went where with Mommy? Eventually she tells me "Chris's house." But has a really hard time spitting it out. But then things start to piece together in my mind. Because Chris is Christine. And i clarify that with her. "Christine? You mean Christine's house, right?" And she says "Yes, her name's Christine, but Mommy and me and everybody else call her Chris."
So, i know who this person is because once told me Chris is Christine and i see them talking on Facebook sometime. Christine Seaboyer. Justin's mom.
So, i'm thinking. Why would she have a problem telling me. Maybe it's because she thinks Mommy and i might be kinda "together" in some way, i don't know. So, i explain to her "You know Mommy and i aren't married right." She seems sad, but nods yes. "You know were never going to get married right?" She says yes. But then she says "Mommy's going to marry somebody else." So, i guess she's already been filled in on that some how.
And i know that this Justin guy is somebody that Erin has been seeing. But he's been in jail for a long time, for most the last 7 years. So, i clarify with her. "That's Justin's mom." And she says yes. Because before i wasn't 100% sure. But now i know. "Do you think that would bother me that you went there?" Has a hard time shaking her head no but does it anyway.
I'm trying to figure out what's going on because her answers aren't matching up and her behaviour isn't normal.
Thank God i can be vigilant enough to see the subtle looks in her eyes to know when she's lying to me and to have a pretty good idea what she's thinking about.
"Did Mommy tell you not to tell me that you went there?" Shakes her head no. And i'm watching her very closely, trying to look for subtle clues.
I thought i picked up once, since i'm not an idiot, that Erin said something to Brooklyn when i was picking her up from her house while Brooklyn was getting into the car, but it didn't seem right. I didn't see it. I wasn't looking in that direction. But it was the tone of her voice, the sound, and what came out of her mouth even though i didn't fully hear what she said. It kinda sounded like she said, "And, remember:" but then silence, as if what she was supposed to remember wasn't to be spoken.
And, it struck me as odd, and i could kinda picture Erin making a gesture to Brooklyn to be not mention anything about something. That's what i was thinking at the time.
And i'm looking into Brooklyn's eyes and i can tell sort of the kind of thoughts she's having.
It's something to do with Mommy. Something odd.
Something to do with Mommy and something to do wtih me. But the me part is there's something weird or strange or upsetting about me.
I asked her numerous times, did Mommy tell you not to tell me, or something like that. And i pick up numerous subtle signs in her eyes that she's not telling me the truth. I can sit there and see that there is deception here. In her eyes i can see that she's kinda blocking something. And her behaviour really is not making sense.
So, i see the behaviour or the strange body language and attitude and i try to sort of narrate this for her. I say, "You are in a very uncomfortable position."
Then i see some subtle signs that she's warming up to sort of that idea.
"This is not your responsibility"
"You have done nothing wrong. You're not in trouble." I'm not going to get mad at you."
"Mommy shouldn't tell you to lie to me, that's not your job."
Starts crying. "I didn't tell you that she told me to lie!"
Sorry, this is hard. 'Cause she's in the background wanting to get on the computer.
So, this is all starting to piece together in my mind.
"You didn't do anything wrong. Mommy did something wrong by telling you not to tell me things. That's not your responsibility. So, you don't have to feel bad when something goes wrong, because it isn't your responsibility, it's Mommy's responsibility."
All of a sudden i can see her really, really, really, getting that.
She's really starting to come together mentally.
I see it in her eyes, and she's looking at me like she loves me with that happy normal loving look that i should be getting and just really warming up to that idea that i just presented to her.
So, i'm thinking i better email Erin about this right away while this is still on my mind. But then i get a subtle thought-message from Sir that i shouldn't do that with her right there. Oh, right, yeah. So, i decide to get her to draw and just tell you first.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
As you may or may not know, Brooklyn's mother, Erin, has not allowed me to see Brooklyn since the beginning of May. I was in the hospital since June 1. There was a court date for custody scheduled for June 11. I was unable to make that court hearing because i was in the hospital involuntarily. I was stuck in the hospital for approximately 2 months. It is now early August, so, i have not been able to see my child for 3 months now.
Prior to Erin violating our court order and not allowing me to have Brooklyn during my court ordered scheduled access with her, i had been discovering from Brooklyn that Brooklyn has been, for over a few years now, brainwashed to tell lies and keep secrets about everything pertaining to Erin's current con-boyfriend--who is currently serving out his sentence in a halfway house--and her future plans with him. Brooklyn has also been brainwashed to believe that there are things wrong with me, and that she must report to mommy every time i get angry. Brooklyn has been, since about grade primary or grade one deliberately doing things she's not supposed to be doing, and i have had to learn very quickly not to address these wrong doings emotionally, i.e. with anger.
These conflicting thoughts in Brooklyn's mind has seriously impacted her behaviour for years. So, i decided, finally, to confront Erin about it by email. I have not been able to see Brooklyn since the day that i confronted Erin about the lies and secrets she's been getting her to keep.
~Mark
Please take the time to read the following past journal entry:
<<March 3, 2012>>
Dear Flower,
I've been noticing some serious behaviour problems yet again with Brooklyn this morning and i can remember thinking it really does not make any sense to me why this is happening. I can remember thinking this does not match up to how i'm raising her and how i've been raising her. And i remember thinking that something is causing this, i don't really understand what it could be, but something is causing it.
It involves strange behaviour and the same behaviour problem that i have been dealing with for a very long time now. Sorry if u got a message twice, something is messed with my comp.
I sent a message to Erin about it this morning because it was happening last night as well and i was thinking about it last night. I thought to myself, it would be best if i let Erin know every time i see this behaviour taking place and try to describe it to her.
Just to help clarifying things even more, here is a copy of that email:
Hey Erin,
I had a thought last night that i would like to start letting you know when i am experiencing awkward behaviour with her and try to describe briefly the behaviour i am seeing. This has been going on for a very long time and i think it's time we really addressed this. So, at the exact moment i'm witnessing the behaviour i'm going to let you know--not to get her in trouble. And it has to be very brief, 'cause obviously i'm tied up.
This morning before 600, she got out of bed too early, wanted to play games on the computer, i told her to go back to bed. She got out of bed secretively, i came out again and told her to go back to bed. While in bed and putting covers on her, i said go back to sleep, she said "well i'm not GONNA go back to sleep" defiantly, strange tone. Strange behaviour followed, including loud whinny sounds.
I'll try my best to describe the strange behaviour when i see it. I'd like to even keep a camera on me to try to video tape it a little bit and send that to you. Because basically what i've been seeing is the normal Brooklyn--very clearly normal--and the strange, awkward, defiant, bothersome, weird, behaviour that often includes a baby voice or hanging off me when hugging instead of hugging. Two different Brooklyns. What would be nice if i could video tape the normal Brooklyn and video tape the strange, awkward, very sensitive, Brooklyn and get those to you.
So, when i bring it to your attention again, it would probably be just a very simple, quick text message.
Thanks,
Mark
So, i've been experiencing a lot of strange, bothersome, defiant behaviour this morning. And i've been trying my best to help her get out of it, as i usually do when i have her, which usually eventually results in her being normal. And i don't know what goes on at school. Maybe she's shy at school, or has anxiety. But whatever takes place, somehow she has continued to revert back to this behaviour. And i've got expert opinion, to clarify my own view, from all her teachers, that this is NOT normal behaviour for someone her age.
I set her up with her own email address recently. That has given me the ability to send her messages that i love her, and so forth, while she's at mommy's. I thought that was helping a little. But i don't know for sure. I did notice last time i had her, her behaviour was still troublesome at times, but much better. And it really stuck out this morning as strange because it's a real and total reversion to something that's been taking place years and years ago. And i'm thinking how can that be possibly taking place after all the love and affection and respectful effort i've been putting into this? That doesn't match up. Something is f*cked up here. Something is causing this behaviour.
Then i notice later this morning that Mommy didn't show her all the funny and loving messages i sent her over the last week because i asked her about it and she said she didn't get them. So, i showed them to her. And i'm thinking that that's kinda odd. Because Erin gets the messages on her phone and she knows when i send her a message, so she would just show Brooklyn the messages on her phone. That's what she did before, the week before or whatever, but for some reason she didn't show any of them from last week.
So, then i start thinking, well maybe she was staying at somebody else's house and Erin didn't tell me.
So, i ask Brooklyn "were you at Mommy's house every day last week?"
"Um, i think so." Well, that's a weird way to answer the question, i think to myself.
So, i can tell something not quite right by the way she is acting and answering the question. Well, maybe she just doesn't remember or is not really paying attention. "Did you go to Daddy's house any day last week?" No. Okay, remember's that. "Did you go to Nan's house any day last week?" No. Okay, remember's that, seems to be paying attention. "Were you at Mommy's house every day last week?" "I think so." Well, that's not making sense, were you or weren't you? Now, she's acting strange. Similar strange behaviour that i've always been noticing. And looking at me strange, similar strange looking that i've been noticing for a long time now. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm thinking. She's looking at me like there's something wrong with me. Like, how is that related to everything we're talking about? She's acting strange, getting mad at me, looking at me weird. And not answering my questions right.
So, eventually, after helping her understand that her answers aren't making sense, she tells me "I went there with, Mommy." Went where with Mommy? Eventually she tells me "Chris's house." But has a really hard time spitting it out. But then things start to piece together in my mind. Because Chris is Christine. And i clarify that with her. "Christine? You mean Christine's house, right?" And she says "Yes, her name's Christine, but Mommy and me and everybody else call her Chris."
So, i know who this person is because once told me Chris is Christine and i see them talking on Facebook sometime. Christine Seaboyer. Justin's mom.
So, i'm thinking. Why would she have a problem telling me. Maybe it's because she thinks Mommy and i might be kinda "together" in some way, i don't know. So, i explain to her "You know Mommy and i aren't married right." She seems sad, but nods yes. "You know were never going to get married right?" She says yes. But then she says "Mommy's going to marry somebody else." So, i guess she's already been filled in on that some how.
And i know that this Justin guy is somebody that Erin has been seeing. But he's been in jail for a long time, for most the last 7 years. So, i clarify with her. "That's Justin's mom." And she says yes. Because before i wasn't 100% sure. But now i know. "Do you think that would bother me that you went there?" Has a hard time shaking her head no but does it anyway.
I'm trying to figure out what's going on because her answers aren't matching up and her behaviour isn't normal.
Thank God i can be vigilant enough to see the subtle looks in her eyes to know when she's lying to me and to have a pretty good idea what she's thinking about.
"Did Mommy tell you not to tell me that you went there?" Shakes her head no. And i'm watching her very closely, trying to look for subtle clues.
I thought i picked up once, since i'm not an idiot, that Erin said something to Brooklyn when i was picking her up from her house while Brooklyn was getting into the car, but it didn't seem right. I didn't see it. I wasn't looking in that direction. But it was the tone of her voice, the sound, and what came out of her mouth even though i didn't fully hear what she said. It kinda sounded like she said, "And, remember:" but then silence, as if what she was supposed to remember wasn't to be spoken.
And, it struck me as odd, and i could kinda picture Erin making a gesture to Brooklyn to be not mention anything about something. That's what i was thinking at the time.
And i'm looking into Brooklyn's eyes and i can tell sort of the kind of thoughts she's having.
It's something to do with Mommy. Something odd.
Something to do with Mommy and something to do wtih me. But the me part is there's something weird or strange or upsetting about me.
I asked her numerous times, did Mommy tell you not to tell me, or something like that. And i pick up numerous subtle signs in her eyes that she's not telling me the truth. I can sit there and see that there is deception here. In her eyes i can see that she's kinda blocking something. And her behaviour really is not making sense.
So, i see the behaviour or the strange body language and attitude and i try to sort of narrate this for her. I say, "You are in a very uncomfortable position."
Then i see some subtle signs that she's warming up to sort of that idea.
"This is not your responsibility"
"You have done nothing wrong. You're not in trouble." I'm not going to get mad at you."
"Mommy shouldn't tell you to lie to me, that's not your job."
Starts crying. "I didn't tell you that she told me to lie!"
Sorry, this is hard. 'Cause she's in the background wanting to get on the computer.
So, this is all starting to piece together in my mind.
"You didn't do anything wrong. Mommy did something wrong by telling you not to tell me things. That's not your responsibility. So, you don't have to feel bad when something goes wrong, because it isn't your responsibility, it's Mommy's responsibility."
All of a sudden i can see her really, really, really, getting that.
She's really starting to come together mentally.
I see it in her eyes, and she's looking at me like she loves me with that happy normal loving look that i should be getting and just really warming up to that idea that i just presented to her.
So, i'm thinking i better email Erin about this right away while this is still on my mind. But then i get a subtle thought-message from Sir that i shouldn't do that with her right there. Oh, right, yeah. So, i decide to get her to draw and just tell you first.
~Mark @markenglish13
#36 - My Dire Financial Situation -
August 2, 2012
Dear Flower,
Well, my financial situation is so tight right now that sometimes i wish i could go back and live at the hospital because at least there people are looking after you and giving you three meals a day.
I received a social services cheque recently which helped me pay part of my rent and and for some food. They don't give you much: only about $530 for the month, but i might be getting another one really soon because it's the end of the month, and they usually issue them at the end of each month. Sometimes i think it would just be easier to go back and live in the hospital, but that's only because i'm very low on cash.
Thankfully, i *do* have a laptop that my friend, John, gave to me right prior to being discharged from the hospital. But now i have a laptop with no freelance work. As i mentioned in a previous blog post: there's a lot of uncertainty around getting an income. And i'm low on food.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
Well, my financial situation is so tight right now that sometimes i wish i could go back and live at the hospital because at least there people are looking after you and giving you three meals a day.
I received a social services cheque recently which helped me pay part of my rent and and for some food. They don't give you much: only about $530 for the month, but i might be getting another one really soon because it's the end of the month, and they usually issue them at the end of each month. Sometimes i think it would just be easier to go back and live in the hospital, but that's only because i'm very low on cash.
Thankfully, i *do* have a laptop that my friend, John, gave to me right prior to being discharged from the hospital. But now i have a laptop with no freelance work. As i mentioned in a previous blog post: there's a lot of uncertainty around getting an income. And i'm low on food.
~Mark @markenglish13
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
#35 - I Don`t Want To Hurt My Child -
This blog posting will consist entirely of a past journal entry which i think ties into my previous blog posting quite well.
February 1, 2011
Dear Flower
I had Brooklyn over the weekend. Every time i give her back up to (the mother) i feel wounded in some way. And i feel like i've wounded her. I feel like i desperately need to be with her. And she desperately needs to be with me. And i feel like there's nothing i can do about my child being wounded like this again, and again. I feel helpless. It's enough to drive one insane.
I can't tell you how many times i pick up something of hers to put away--like a hat or a toy--and wish that i had her cheeks there for me to kiss on. Every time i think about her, i wish she were here with me so i could show her i love her. And i feel bad for her, very concerned for her well-being, that maybe she's not getting enough love, or doesn't understand or forgets that i love her.
Whenever she's with me, i'm always vigilant about treating her with respect, and try to never snap at her in a way that's mean or hurtful, regardless of how she behaves, because i know i won't be able to see her again the next day or the day after that to give her plenty of hugs to remind her of how much i love her.
Whenever i HAVE mistakenly snapped at her, i have felt troubled by it every day until i saw her again. It makes me think sometimes that people who get to have their kid live with them all the time perhaps don't know how lucky they are. And it also makes me think that a parent is someone who makes mistakes, but keeps on trying to do the right thing. It's a humbling role, but perhaps a sign of good leadership, to admit your mistakes, admit you may not be the best, but then keep on trying to do what you feel is best.
~Mark @markenglish13
February 1, 2011
Dear Flower
I had Brooklyn over the weekend. Every time i give her back up to (the mother) i feel wounded in some way. And i feel like i've wounded her. I feel like i desperately need to be with her. And she desperately needs to be with me. And i feel like there's nothing i can do about my child being wounded like this again, and again. I feel helpless. It's enough to drive one insane.
I can't tell you how many times i pick up something of hers to put away--like a hat or a toy--and wish that i had her cheeks there for me to kiss on. Every time i think about her, i wish she were here with me so i could show her i love her. And i feel bad for her, very concerned for her well-being, that maybe she's not getting enough love, or doesn't understand or forgets that i love her.
Whenever she's with me, i'm always vigilant about treating her with respect, and try to never snap at her in a way that's mean or hurtful, regardless of how she behaves, because i know i won't be able to see her again the next day or the day after that to give her plenty of hugs to remind her of how much i love her.
Whenever i HAVE mistakenly snapped at her, i have felt troubled by it every day until i saw her again. It makes me think sometimes that people who get to have their kid live with them all the time perhaps don't know how lucky they are. And it also makes me think that a parent is someone who makes mistakes, but keeps on trying to do the right thing. It's a humbling role, but perhaps a sign of good leadership, to admit your mistakes, admit you may not be the best, but then keep on trying to do what you feel is best.
~Mark @markenglish13
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
#34 - A Child Must Be Treated With Respect At All Times -
July 31, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'm really disturbed by the fact that i haven't seen my daughter in about 3 months now. I have a lingering pain inside because of it. Working at Starbucks-Chapters a lot reminds me of her every time i walk by the children section, and every time i see a child close to her age, i struggle with the pain of not being able to see her. Even throughout her life prior to the last 3 months, when i had her regularly, i struggled inside with the pain of being separated from her until i got her again. It didn't seem right. It's something that doesn't seem right that i have to tolerate. Something isn't right about it, about being separated from your child. Every time i returned her back to her mother, i felt like i was abusing her in some way, teaching her that i don't really care, or that i neglect her. How could her poor little brain understand that i'm simply trying to follow a court order that outlines a schedule for both the mother and me; it doesn't seem right to not have your child with you every night and every day.
And how could this have ever happened in the first place? How could i ever have gotten somebody pregnant that i knew in my wildest dreams i would never spend the rest of my life with? How could something like that possibly happen? Because i was being reckless; i was being self destructive, 'cause i didn't think it was fair; i didn't think it was normal what i was going through with ~Sir~. I was rebelling against it by being destructive, reckless, hurtful towards myself. But this is what i caused. My actions and my decisions resulted in a human being who must be raised this way. I know in my heart i would never choose Brooklyn's mother as the mother of my child. I know what's right and wrong. I know what's intelligent and not intelligent. And it wouldn't be particularly intelligent for me to plan to have a child with Brooklyn's mother. I did this. I caused this. I'm going to fight for custody. Only because i feel that that's what's best. I would give my life to that child. Two people are supposed to PLAN to have a child together. A child is supposed to be treated with respect at all times. I owe this child my life, because i made the decisions that brought her into this world in the first place. I have to give her everything i possibly have. It'll never be enough to love her from a distance. Something has to happen. Something has to change for the betterment of that child.
I wouldn't in my wildest dreams today make the kind of decisions that, in the past, resulted in somebody whom i would not value as being the mother of any of my children become pregnant with my child. There's nothing i can do about that now. That was all self-destruction. Yes, deliberately having unprotected sex (I knew she wasn't taking her pills properly even though she said she was) was total self-destruction. The only thing more self-destructive than the way i have been self-destructive would have been suicide. I would never commit suicide. I'm not afraid to die though. Not afraid one bit. Somebody could point a gun at my head; i wouldn't even flinch. I keep myself alive for other purposes, 'cause God wants me to, to serve God, to serve my daughter, to do what God wants me to. My daughter is the main reason why i would want to be alive, and because it's God's Will.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
I'm really disturbed by the fact that i haven't seen my daughter in about 3 months now. I have a lingering pain inside because of it. Working at Starbucks-Chapters a lot reminds me of her every time i walk by the children section, and every time i see a child close to her age, i struggle with the pain of not being able to see her. Even throughout her life prior to the last 3 months, when i had her regularly, i struggled inside with the pain of being separated from her until i got her again. It didn't seem right. It's something that doesn't seem right that i have to tolerate. Something isn't right about it, about being separated from your child. Every time i returned her back to her mother, i felt like i was abusing her in some way, teaching her that i don't really care, or that i neglect her. How could her poor little brain understand that i'm simply trying to follow a court order that outlines a schedule for both the mother and me; it doesn't seem right to not have your child with you every night and every day.
And how could this have ever happened in the first place? How could i ever have gotten somebody pregnant that i knew in my wildest dreams i would never spend the rest of my life with? How could something like that possibly happen? Because i was being reckless; i was being self destructive, 'cause i didn't think it was fair; i didn't think it was normal what i was going through with ~Sir~. I was rebelling against it by being destructive, reckless, hurtful towards myself. But this is what i caused. My actions and my decisions resulted in a human being who must be raised this way. I know in my heart i would never choose Brooklyn's mother as the mother of my child. I know what's right and wrong. I know what's intelligent and not intelligent. And it wouldn't be particularly intelligent for me to plan to have a child with Brooklyn's mother. I did this. I caused this. I'm going to fight for custody. Only because i feel that that's what's best. I would give my life to that child. Two people are supposed to PLAN to have a child together. A child is supposed to be treated with respect at all times. I owe this child my life, because i made the decisions that brought her into this world in the first place. I have to give her everything i possibly have. It'll never be enough to love her from a distance. Something has to happen. Something has to change for the betterment of that child.
I wouldn't in my wildest dreams today make the kind of decisions that, in the past, resulted in somebody whom i would not value as being the mother of any of my children become pregnant with my child. There's nothing i can do about that now. That was all self-destruction. Yes, deliberately having unprotected sex (I knew she wasn't taking her pills properly even though she said she was) was total self-destruction. The only thing more self-destructive than the way i have been self-destructive would have been suicide. I would never commit suicide. I'm not afraid to die though. Not afraid one bit. Somebody could point a gun at my head; i wouldn't even flinch. I keep myself alive for other purposes, 'cause God wants me to, to serve God, to serve my daughter, to do what God wants me to. My daughter is the main reason why i would want to be alive, and because it's God's Will.
~Mark @markenglish13
#33 - My Parents Need To Choose Right Over Wrong -
July 31, 2012
Dear Flower,
Just because there was a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family environment growing up, doesn't mean there wasn't a lot of love. I love my parents very much, and care for them. I'm in a difficult position. They simply need to behave.
Apologies are important because then you not only help the person you've hurt to heal, but you also become more vigilant in your own mind that what you've done is wrong and you should make an effort not to repeat it. In essence, it helps both parties heal: the one who has been emotionally hurtful heals and the one who has been on the receiving end heals as well.
I am in a very difficult position. I have no choice but to speak to my parents about emotional abuse if they're not going to openly admit that it's wrong and they must try to stop, because i have a child. And a child needs grandparents. Not allowing my child to have grandparents (on my side of the family) is not an option. The option is right there in front of my parents: admit your wrong doings, admit what is emotional abuse coming from you, apologize and try not to continue. But if they can't do that, then we will remain in a limbo stage in which i must manage very closely how much contact my daughter has with my parents and when.
Right now, it is nothing short of abuse: that the one on the receiving end of the abuse is at fault, i.e. it is *their* fault that they are receiving the abuse and they deserve it--without any apologies. That's my definition of abuse: the lack of apologies, the lack of admitting what's wrong. Normal people make mistakes, they say the wrong things sometimes, but normal people who aren't abusive will feel the need to apologize when it is necessary. I can't just try to ignore this and bring my child into an abusive environment. It's time for my parents, particularly my dad, to shape up and face the music: It doesn't matter if you think someone is doing something wrong, you still need to treat them with respect: behave yourself! Pull yourself together and face reality. If you wouldn't treat your co-workers like that, why would you think you can treat your family members that way as though they are lessor people.
Done.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
Just because there was a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family environment growing up, doesn't mean there wasn't a lot of love. I love my parents very much, and care for them. I'm in a difficult position. They simply need to behave.
Apologies are important because then you not only help the person you've hurt to heal, but you also become more vigilant in your own mind that what you've done is wrong and you should make an effort not to repeat it. In essence, it helps both parties heal: the one who has been emotionally hurtful heals and the one who has been on the receiving end heals as well.
I am in a very difficult position. I have no choice but to speak to my parents about emotional abuse if they're not going to openly admit that it's wrong and they must try to stop, because i have a child. And a child needs grandparents. Not allowing my child to have grandparents (on my side of the family) is not an option. The option is right there in front of my parents: admit your wrong doings, admit what is emotional abuse coming from you, apologize and try not to continue. But if they can't do that, then we will remain in a limbo stage in which i must manage very closely how much contact my daughter has with my parents and when.
Right now, it is nothing short of abuse: that the one on the receiving end of the abuse is at fault, i.e. it is *their* fault that they are receiving the abuse and they deserve it--without any apologies. That's my definition of abuse: the lack of apologies, the lack of admitting what's wrong. Normal people make mistakes, they say the wrong things sometimes, but normal people who aren't abusive will feel the need to apologize when it is necessary. I can't just try to ignore this and bring my child into an abusive environment. It's time for my parents, particularly my dad, to shape up and face the music: It doesn't matter if you think someone is doing something wrong, you still need to treat them with respect: behave yourself! Pull yourself together and face reality. If you wouldn't treat your co-workers like that, why would you think you can treat your family members that way as though they are lessor people.
Done.
~Mark @markenglish13
Monday, July 30, 2012
#32 - My Dire Situation -
July 30, 2012
Dear Flower,
I have a bit of a confession to make: In a previous blog post i said i was gonna give up coffee. Well, i haven't been able to do that yet. It's just too difficult right now. I want to wait until things are less stressful. Plus, i don't want to just quit cold turkey; i want to gradually reduce my coffee consumption so i don't get massive headaches.
Things are too stressful right now though:
So, there's a lot of uncertainty around having a steady income, being able to pay for the rent, and so forth, and a lot of uncertainty surrounding when i will be able to see my daughter again regularly. I struggle inside with the idea of what she might be going through. It is extremely important to me to not cause harm to any child.
I think the mother is doing a terrible job at doing what's best for our daughter, Brooklyn. It is because of her doing that i am unable to see my daughter. And that doesn't have anything to do with what's best for Brooklyn. Somebody's not thinking enough about the child here. It angers me, but what hurts me the most is the idea of what she might be going through.
So, i haven't been able to give up coffee. It's all i've got to help me feel a little bit better as i struggle through these adversities. At least i have that, to make me feel a little bit more normal, to help me stay focused on the things i need to get done. It could be a lot worse.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
I have a bit of a confession to make: In a previous blog post i said i was gonna give up coffee. Well, i haven't been able to do that yet. It's just too difficult right now. I want to wait until things are less stressful. Plus, i don't want to just quit cold turkey; i want to gradually reduce my coffee consumption so i don't get massive headaches.
Things are too stressful right now though:
- I don't know what i'm going to do about income.
- I haven't seen my daughter in almost 3 months.
- I have to try to find a legal aid or lawyer to help me fight my custody battle.
So, there's a lot of uncertainty around having a steady income, being able to pay for the rent, and so forth, and a lot of uncertainty surrounding when i will be able to see my daughter again regularly. I struggle inside with the idea of what she might be going through. It is extremely important to me to not cause harm to any child.
I think the mother is doing a terrible job at doing what's best for our daughter, Brooklyn. It is because of her doing that i am unable to see my daughter. And that doesn't have anything to do with what's best for Brooklyn. Somebody's not thinking enough about the child here. It angers me, but what hurts me the most is the idea of what she might be going through.
So, i haven't been able to give up coffee. It's all i've got to help me feel a little bit better as i struggle through these adversities. At least i have that, to make me feel a little bit more normal, to help me stay focused on the things i need to get done. It could be a lot worse.
~Mark @markenglish13
Saturday, July 28, 2012
#31 - The Future Is In God`s Hands -
July 28, 2012
Dear Flower,
~Sir~ has been doing an amazing, inspiring, job of helping me feel that He's not only still -here-, but very closely -here-, and looking after me with tremendous love and concern.
~Sir~ does a very fine job of helping me to feel loved and looked after. I feel very grateful to him. I owe him my life; everything that i am is because of him. He has helped me make tremendous spiritual progress.
I get the sense from him that he's looking after me. But i also get the sense that He's got the future planned (for me) as well, and it’s in His Hands. For instance, my financial situation is extremely tight, but i get the sense from Him that He's taking care of that.
People seem to be looking after me, such as Steve and John. And i just can't help but think that it is because of ~Sir's~ Blessings that these good things are happening to me.
I have to focus on preparing for the court hearing coming up in the near future over custody of my 8 year old daughter, Brooklyn. At the very least, i want my regular access re-entitled back to me. There's no excuse or justification for me to have no access whatsoever, which is what has been set up by the mother whilst i was stuck in the hospital. I have to find a legal aid as soon as possible. And get some legal advice. I don't have the least bit of concern that, at the very least, i will get my regular access back.
The impression i get from ~Sir~ seems to be in that regard as well. But, regardless, i am doing what i feel is best for my child and always will, regardless of ANYthing, while, at the same time, i have the attitude of "Let God's Will be done". I am letting God's Will be done, but at the same time trying everything i can to do what is right, what's best. Whatever it is that is going on is in God's Hands and i just try my best.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 15, 2010
Dear Flower,
I just want to focus on meditation, with zero distractions, and let that improve my life. And i want to spend my free time improving other areas of my life. For the last year or so,--probably since i broke up with my last girlfriend--i've been thinking i need to quickly find myself a wife because i felt like i was getting too old to find anyone i would like.... But i don't really care as much about that anymore because of the sundar and meditation...
Meditation certainly gives me a lot more confidence. Also, when i feel like i can get just about any girl i want, because of the sundar, i feel more secure.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
~Sir~ has been doing an amazing, inspiring, job of helping me feel that He's not only still -here-, but very closely -here-, and looking after me with tremendous love and concern.
~Sir~ does a very fine job of helping me to feel loved and looked after. I feel very grateful to him. I owe him my life; everything that i am is because of him. He has helped me make tremendous spiritual progress.
I get the sense from him that he's looking after me. But i also get the sense that He's got the future planned (for me) as well, and it’s in His Hands. For instance, my financial situation is extremely tight, but i get the sense from Him that He's taking care of that.
People seem to be looking after me, such as Steve and John. And i just can't help but think that it is because of ~Sir's~ Blessings that these good things are happening to me.
I have to focus on preparing for the court hearing coming up in the near future over custody of my 8 year old daughter, Brooklyn. At the very least, i want my regular access re-entitled back to me. There's no excuse or justification for me to have no access whatsoever, which is what has been set up by the mother whilst i was stuck in the hospital. I have to find a legal aid as soon as possible. And get some legal advice. I don't have the least bit of concern that, at the very least, i will get my regular access back.
The impression i get from ~Sir~ seems to be in that regard as well. But, regardless, i am doing what i feel is best for my child and always will, regardless of ANYthing, while, at the same time, i have the attitude of "Let God's Will be done". I am letting God's Will be done, but at the same time trying everything i can to do what is right, what's best. Whatever it is that is going on is in God's Hands and i just try my best.
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 15, 2010
Dear Flower,
I just want to focus on meditation, with zero distractions, and let that improve my life. And i want to spend my free time improving other areas of my life. For the last year or so,--probably since i broke up with my last girlfriend--i've been thinking i need to quickly find myself a wife because i felt like i was getting too old to find anyone i would like.... But i don't really care as much about that anymore because of the sundar and meditation...
Meditation certainly gives me a lot more confidence. Also, when i feel like i can get just about any girl i want, because of the sundar, i feel more secure.
~Mark @markenglish13
Thursday, July 26, 2012
#30 - What This Blog Is About -
July 26, 2012
Dear Flower,
You are reading the story about my life. In this blog, i will try to touch upon the following things:
- My relationship with ~Sir~
- What is currently happening with my life
- My emotions and feelings about some things that are happening with my life
- Some mistakes i've made in the past
- The sundar [shun-dar] (i.e. the beauty that originates from within and which can be seen glowing on a person's face)
- My suspicion that we are in a period of a tidal wave of positive changes and improvements taking place
- Emotional abuse and emotional neglect
- My anxiety disorder and how i'm combating it
- My relationships with people, such as my 8 year old daughter and my parents
- Meditation
- My work with the docs
- Things ~Sir~ is helping me to understand
- What is happening with me spiritually (i.e. on the inside)
- I will also gradually start to include more and more information from my past journal entries because there's a lot of important information coming up that i believe you will find very interesting
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
You are reading the story about my life. In this blog, i will try to touch upon the following things:
- My relationship with ~Sir~
- What is currently happening with my life
- My emotions and feelings about some things that are happening with my life
- Some mistakes i've made in the past
- The sundar [shun-dar] (i.e. the beauty that originates from within and which can be seen glowing on a person's face)
- My suspicion that we are in a period of a tidal wave of positive changes and improvements taking place
- Emotional abuse and emotional neglect
- My anxiety disorder and how i'm combating it
- My relationships with people, such as my 8 year old daughter and my parents
- Meditation
- My work with the docs
- Things ~Sir~ is helping me to understand
- What is happening with me spiritually (i.e. on the inside)
- I will also gradually start to include more and more information from my past journal entries because there's a lot of important information coming up that i believe you will find very interesting
~Mark @markenglish13
#29 - How i Start My Days -
July 26, 2012
Dear Flower,
Well, i am permanently out of the hospital now. I will not be going back. I'm living at the place where i wanted to move for the entire time i was held in the hospital. The challenge now is i am in need of more freelance web design work to help me pay for my rent and living expenses.
As i try to think about what my next blog post to you will be about, i thought you may be somewhat interested in how i started my days while at the mental health clinic. I won't bore you with an entire day's details, because sometimes there was nothing to do but pace the hallways or wait around to speak to the doctor. But, on July 12, 2012, i recorded what i did that morning, and i would like to relay that to you so that you have an idea of how i start my days generally speaking, because, generally speaking, i started my days pretty much the same way every day, and at the same time every morning.
- Woke up at about 5:25am
- Started with some prayers and gratitude to God
- Made some tea (i did this to help wake me up a little since we weren't allowed to take showers before 8am)
- Started meditation at about 5:55am
- Started prayers at about 6:25am
- At about 6:45am, i started a shoulder exercise, and made my bed and changed clothes in between sets
- At about 7am, i started a stomach work out, and put cream on my feet and a few other misc. things in between sets (sets of 3)
- At shortly after 7:35am, i started writing other thoughts in this book
- At about 7:50 i started to eat my breakfast
- I ate breakfast and chatted with a patient or two, then, around 8:30am, i started brushing and flossing my teeth
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I get to tell u a juicy secret, but i have to be vague: Hitler was destroyed in year 13 so he could be hit with the most power. I may be able to tell you more about that some other day.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
Well, i am permanently out of the hospital now. I will not be going back. I'm living at the place where i wanted to move for the entire time i was held in the hospital. The challenge now is i am in need of more freelance web design work to help me pay for my rent and living expenses.
As i try to think about what my next blog post to you will be about, i thought you may be somewhat interested in how i started my days while at the mental health clinic. I won't bore you with an entire day's details, because sometimes there was nothing to do but pace the hallways or wait around to speak to the doctor. But, on July 12, 2012, i recorded what i did that morning, and i would like to relay that to you so that you have an idea of how i start my days generally speaking, because, generally speaking, i started my days pretty much the same way every day, and at the same time every morning.
- Woke up at about 5:25am
- Started with some prayers and gratitude to God
- Made some tea (i did this to help wake me up a little since we weren't allowed to take showers before 8am)
- Started meditation at about 5:55am
- Started prayers at about 6:25am
- At about 6:45am, i started a shoulder exercise, and made my bed and changed clothes in between sets
- At about 7am, i started a stomach work out, and put cream on my feet and a few other misc. things in between sets (sets of 3)
- At shortly after 7:35am, i started writing other thoughts in this book
- At about 7:50 i started to eat my breakfast
- I ate breakfast and chatted with a patient or two, then, around 8:30am, i started brushing and flossing my teeth
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I get to tell u a juicy secret, but i have to be vague: Hitler was destroyed in year 13 so he could be hit with the most power. I may be able to tell you more about that some other day.
~Mark @markenglish13
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
#28 - Disrespect Towards Family Members -
July 25, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'd like to take this blog post to touch more upon emotional abuse and disrespect towards/from family members.
I grew up with a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family. It wasn't all bad; it was (and remains) a lot of bad and some good. But i don't know if that make it any better or easier--that there's a good mixture of good--because that does makes it very difficult to distinguish the bad as being bad. Because there is some good, or what *appears* to be good on the surface, they (my "parents") believe they can get away with deception surrounding the emotional abuse and toxicity (i.e. not admitting that it's wrong and should not continue); in other words, it's not obvious: it's very difficult to distinguish.
There's been very little accountability thus far--none whatsoever (thus far) from my "dad". I believe in order to be considered *real parents* you have to have spiritual values: valuing the importance of treating your children with respect, and talking about how that's important with them, trying not to be hurtful, valuing the importance of happiness, treating your children with respect, apologizing when things go wrong, and just an overall value for the spiritual welfare of your children, otherwise, you're just parents by blood. And that's what i believe my parents have been and continue to be.
The result of how i was raised and how i continue to be treated is "not believing in myself". The result of not believing in myself is an anxiety disorder that i have suffered from since age 15 or 16.
They seem to have no value whatsoever for how they could make a person feel on the inside. Both my sister and i are victims of severe emotional abuse. And we have a right or justification to avoid our parents because of it, because we have to be strong, we have to be happy, we have to succeed… And our strength doesn't come from our parents; our weaknesses come from our parents.
I have been dealing with the daunting task of addressing this emotional abuse (i.e. communicating to my parents about it) while things aren’t going well, i.e. while they are in the state of mind that, in the past, has caused them to be disrespectful and emotionally abusive, negative, and hurtful. I have been addressing it *while* they are in the state of mind, so, hopefully they can learn. Like i said, things aren’t *always* bad.... But their *respect* is not maintained while things appear to be going wrong; even when things are going well their disrespect is like a giant elephant just under the surface; a giant elephant that teaches I (or someone else for that matter) must be appearing to be doing everything right in order to be worthy of respect *and* even if i *AM* doing everything i can do that i feel is right, i will *STILL* at times be treated as though i am bad and that there are things wrong with me. But that's been the best i could hope for from my parents over the years. And i've been addressing it because of Brooklyn, otherwise, i would just suck it up.
Thank you for reading,
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've had to talk to my parents about their disrespect towards me and/or Brooklyn over the last few days--even though i'm borrowing their computer--for Brooklyn's sake. Because it's very important to me that Brooklyn is treated with respect and she doesn't have anything to do with that toxicity. I would never talk to them about it if it wasn't for Brooklyn. But i've been helping them understand that they have to be respectful when communicating with family members, and i probably will have to keep talking to them about it, because the more they acknowledge it the better.
This sort of thing has never happened before. It's because of meditation that i'm able to do that. It helps me to have more power over people. I'm the boss, but i don't act like the boss. If they're going to act like kids, then i have to tell them when they're doing something wrong and help them to acknowledge that so they don't keep doing it.
Also, Sir has been giving me a lot of support and helping me be clear on what to say and what not to say.
~Mark @markenglish13
Dear Flower,
I'd like to take this blog post to touch more upon emotional abuse and disrespect towards/from family members.
I grew up with a lot of toxicity and emotional abuse in my family. It wasn't all bad; it was (and remains) a lot of bad and some good. But i don't know if that make it any better or easier--that there's a good mixture of good--because that does makes it very difficult to distinguish the bad as being bad. Because there is some good, or what *appears* to be good on the surface, they (my "parents") believe they can get away with deception surrounding the emotional abuse and toxicity (i.e. not admitting that it's wrong and should not continue); in other words, it's not obvious: it's very difficult to distinguish.
There's been very little accountability thus far--none whatsoever (thus far) from my "dad". I believe in order to be considered *real parents* you have to have spiritual values: valuing the importance of treating your children with respect, and talking about how that's important with them, trying not to be hurtful, valuing the importance of happiness, treating your children with respect, apologizing when things go wrong, and just an overall value for the spiritual welfare of your children, otherwise, you're just parents by blood. And that's what i believe my parents have been and continue to be.
The result of how i was raised and how i continue to be treated is "not believing in myself". The result of not believing in myself is an anxiety disorder that i have suffered from since age 15 or 16.
They seem to have no value whatsoever for how they could make a person feel on the inside. Both my sister and i are victims of severe emotional abuse. And we have a right or justification to avoid our parents because of it, because we have to be strong, we have to be happy, we have to succeed… And our strength doesn't come from our parents; our weaknesses come from our parents.
I have been dealing with the daunting task of addressing this emotional abuse (i.e. communicating to my parents about it) while things aren’t going well, i.e. while they are in the state of mind that, in the past, has caused them to be disrespectful and emotionally abusive, negative, and hurtful. I have been addressing it *while* they are in the state of mind, so, hopefully they can learn. Like i said, things aren’t *always* bad.... But their *respect* is not maintained while things appear to be going wrong; even when things are going well their disrespect is like a giant elephant just under the surface; a giant elephant that teaches I (or someone else for that matter) must be appearing to be doing everything right in order to be worthy of respect *and* even if i *AM* doing everything i can do that i feel is right, i will *STILL* at times be treated as though i am bad and that there are things wrong with me. But that's been the best i could hope for from my parents over the years. And i've been addressing it because of Brooklyn, otherwise, i would just suck it up.
Thank you for reading,
~Mark
Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
December 11, 2010
Dear Flower,
I've had to talk to my parents about their disrespect towards me and/or Brooklyn over the last few days--even though i'm borrowing their computer--for Brooklyn's sake. Because it's very important to me that Brooklyn is treated with respect and she doesn't have anything to do with that toxicity. I would never talk to them about it if it wasn't for Brooklyn. But i've been helping them understand that they have to be respectful when communicating with family members, and i probably will have to keep talking to them about it, because the more they acknowledge it the better.
This sort of thing has never happened before. It's because of meditation that i'm able to do that. It helps me to have more power over people. I'm the boss, but i don't act like the boss. If they're going to act like kids, then i have to tell them when they're doing something wrong and help them to acknowledge that so they don't keep doing it.
Also, Sir has been giving me a lot of support and helping me be clear on what to say and what not to say.
~Mark @markenglish13
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
#27 - My Self Destructive Past -
July 24, 2012
Hello Flower,
I wasn't handling myself as well as i could from about 1998 to 2004. I'm disappointed in myself, because i had the capacity, i had the ability to do as well as i am doing now. It's unfortunate. But it's dust--the past is dust. I'm disappointed in myself, but the past is dust. I was inexcusably reckless on many occasions. ~Sir~ is extremely kind to me and i am ashamed of myself for the way i've acted.
If i want to meditate every day and live a good spiritual life, i have to be up every morning and meditate at 6am, and i wasn't always doing that in my past. From 1998 to 2004, i would sometimes, or oftentimes get angry with ~Sir~ (not even realizing initially that i'm feeling anger or resentment towards Him) 'cause i didn't understand--and i would get drunk because i was mad at him. I still to this day treasure the joy of waking up sober as i began to feel back in 2004. It's a shame that i acted that way, i.e. being self destructive, but i did, and it's over now.
~Mark @markenglish13
P.S. Thank you for reading.
Hello Flower,
I wasn't handling myself as well as i could from about 1998 to 2004. I'm disappointed in myself, because i had the capacity, i had the ability to do as well as i am doing now. It's unfortunate. But it's dust--the past is dust. I'm disappointed in myself, but the past is dust. I was inexcusably reckless on many occasions. ~Sir~ is extremely kind to me and i am ashamed of myself for the way i've acted.
If i want to meditate every day and live a good spiritual life, i have to be up every morning and meditate at 6am, and i wasn't always doing that in my past. From 1998 to 2004, i would sometimes, or oftentimes get angry with ~Sir~ (not even realizing initially that i'm feeling anger or resentment towards Him) 'cause i didn't understand--and i would get drunk because i was mad at him. I still to this day treasure the joy of waking up sober as i began to feel back in 2004. It's a shame that i acted that way, i.e. being self destructive, but i did, and it's over now.
~Mark @markenglish13
P.S. Thank you for reading.
Monday, July 23, 2012
#26 - Recap Part 2 of 2 -
July 23, 2012
Dear Flower,
- I am no longer an involuntary patient at the mental health clinic i have been living at since early June. I applied for a Review Board Hearing, and, after which, i became voluntary as per the decision of the Review Board.
- I will be moving to my new place today, which will consist of a couple rooms i will be renting in a house (one for me, one for Brooklyn) and the sharing of the rest of the house, owned by Steve, who i think is a great guy. This is where i've been wanting to move to since being brought to the hospital. I already paid him $600 rent to cover May 15 to June 15.
- I will not be "mentally deteriorating" as suggested by my doctor. I will be living a happy, good life as i have been for the last 8 to 10 years. I am a perfectly normal person who deserves to go back to his life.
- I'm not sure what staying at the mental health clinic actually accomplished, but i am probably a stronger person because of it. Also, i will continue taking *all* my medication, even Olanzapine, even though it's usage is generally considered for schizophrenia. I find Olanzapine actually extremely helpful with addressing my anxiety, and i have been told numerous times that it is good for that as well. I can literally feel it helping with my anxiety. So, that works out fine for me.
- I said in a previous blog post that, whenever i *do* get my freedom back, i'm going to have a new found love and appreciation for it. I definitely will be taking my life even more seriously from now on. It's a shame that, in this country, you can be "detained" for not even doing anything wrong. I am so happy about the Review Board's decision. They made the right decision.
- As for the police, i will be doing the best i can to get to the bottom of their justification for treating me the way they did. I don't even want to *think* about that right now. There's something really fishy about that, and it stinks, and i don't even want to be thinkin' about the stink 'til after i'm out and enjoying my freedom.
- I'm glad to know that i'm finally moving in to the place i've been wanting to move into. I might be getting a new laptop soon too. It would be kinda difficult to do freelance work if i don't have a laptop.
- I am going to be following a very strict life, even when it comes to addiction to coffee. Because i believe that's what's best for me as a whole. I am *into* doing what's best for my brain. I will be using a lot of self-control and discipline.
- According to the psychiatrist here at this mental health clinic, i have schizophrenia (a diagnosis i believe was influenced by my parents' attempt to make me look bad). I don't have schizophrenia. And i will be looking for second opinions.
- From now on, and for the rest of my life, i expect to be very regular and punctual with my meditations--that's 3 times a day, for at least 20 minutes at a time.
- I will never again turn to any street drug (or even alcohol) to help me deal with my anxiety, to help me have successful social experiences. The medication and my own personal happiness should be more than enough to help me find a life partner and be successful with my web design business.
- Never again will i be getting mad at ~Sir~. There's no reason to. And that's between me and ~Sir~.
Thanks for reading... until next time, God Bless....
~Mark
Dear Flower,
- I am no longer an involuntary patient at the mental health clinic i have been living at since early June. I applied for a Review Board Hearing, and, after which, i became voluntary as per the decision of the Review Board.
- I will be moving to my new place today, which will consist of a couple rooms i will be renting in a house (one for me, one for Brooklyn) and the sharing of the rest of the house, owned by Steve, who i think is a great guy. This is where i've been wanting to move to since being brought to the hospital. I already paid him $600 rent to cover May 15 to June 15.
- I will not be "mentally deteriorating" as suggested by my doctor. I will be living a happy, good life as i have been for the last 8 to 10 years. I am a perfectly normal person who deserves to go back to his life.
- I'm not sure what staying at the mental health clinic actually accomplished, but i am probably a stronger person because of it. Also, i will continue taking *all* my medication, even Olanzapine, even though it's usage is generally considered for schizophrenia. I find Olanzapine actually extremely helpful with addressing my anxiety, and i have been told numerous times that it is good for that as well. I can literally feel it helping with my anxiety. So, that works out fine for me.
- I said in a previous blog post that, whenever i *do* get my freedom back, i'm going to have a new found love and appreciation for it. I definitely will be taking my life even more seriously from now on. It's a shame that, in this country, you can be "detained" for not even doing anything wrong. I am so happy about the Review Board's decision. They made the right decision.
- As for the police, i will be doing the best i can to get to the bottom of their justification for treating me the way they did. I don't even want to *think* about that right now. There's something really fishy about that, and it stinks, and i don't even want to be thinkin' about the stink 'til after i'm out and enjoying my freedom.
- I'm glad to know that i'm finally moving in to the place i've been wanting to move into. I might be getting a new laptop soon too. It would be kinda difficult to do freelance work if i don't have a laptop.
- I am going to be following a very strict life, even when it comes to addiction to coffee. Because i believe that's what's best for me as a whole. I am *into* doing what's best for my brain. I will be using a lot of self-control and discipline.
- According to the psychiatrist here at this mental health clinic, i have schizophrenia (a diagnosis i believe was influenced by my parents' attempt to make me look bad). I don't have schizophrenia. And i will be looking for second opinions.
- From now on, and for the rest of my life, i expect to be very regular and punctual with my meditations--that's 3 times a day, for at least 20 minutes at a time.
- I will never again turn to any street drug (or even alcohol) to help me deal with my anxiety, to help me have successful social experiences. The medication and my own personal happiness should be more than enough to help me find a life partner and be successful with my web design business.
- Never again will i be getting mad at ~Sir~. There's no reason to. And that's between me and ~Sir~.
Thanks for reading... until next time, God Bless....
~Mark
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