Dear Flower,
-
I have improved my sincerity towards my spiritual life…
o
Now, I don’t care, one
way or the other whether I’m able to meditate or whether I have the sundar
(pronounced: shun-dar). I meditate because it’s a requirement of my life,
because I want to realise God, not to achieve something, such as better looks
and a wife, which is the proper way to meditate. Not being concerned with
whether or not you were able to meditate and thinking of yourself as a beginner
is the proper way to meditate, along with being regular and punctual. And
that’s what I try to do today.
o
I am determined to
continue to go to bed at a decent time each night, as I did in the mental
health clinic, so that I can get a good amount of sleep each night and be up
for my 6am meditation without being too tired. If I fall asleep by 930 or 10pm,
that should give me 7.5 to 8 hours sleep each night if I get up at 5:30am. So,
my goal is to stick to that each night, even though it’s difficult. That’s been
hard for me to go to bed early, but I can do it.
o
I definitely will be taking my life even more seriously
from now on.
-
Parents harbour too much disrespect towards me…
o
Both of my parents harbour too much disrespect towards
me. And this not only makes it very difficult to communicate properly to them,
it is not healthy for my daughter’s well being.
o
My father, in particular, needs to apologize for losing
his temper and venting his anger upon me countless times. He has never
apologized. He needs to recognized and acknowledge that this leaves scars, otherwise we are not making progress and the environment in which they are in
is therefore not healthy for Brooklyn.
o
My mother has also been disrespectful towards me around
Brooklyn. This is simply because they are harbouring disrespect towards me
beneath the surface and they are not able to deal with it in a wise way rather
than causing harm. She has been disrespectful to me around Brooklyn in ways I
don’t think she is even able to understand. The disrespect is there, under the
surface, so it comes out with the way I am treated even if nothing is
explicitly said. For instance, my mother telling me to make sure Brooklyn goes
to bed at a certain time, and tell her to clean up her toys in her room first,
and so forth all right in front of Brooklyn undermines my authority over
Brooklyn; it’s not the right message to be sending Brooklyn; my mother is
teaching me and Brooklyn that she (my mother) doesn’t have any respect for me:
that she doesn’t think I’m smart enough and mature enough to know to do these
things on my own without being told.
o
When you think someone is making mistakes, that doesn’t
warrant you to become disrespectful to the person; in fact, perhaps it is a
sign they could use a little more love and support in their life, because maybe
something is lacking.
-
Review Board hearing…
o
After about one and a half months of being stuck in the
hospital, there was a Review Board hearing, which I applied for, on whether to
change my status to voluntary
o My
parents attended, but they spoke ill of me. They spoke many words that would
try to create a bad impression of me, mentioning many things that would make me
look bad, which included telling lies and taking things out of context
o
The Board members at this hearing decided to make my
status at the mental health clinic voluntary, which essentially meant I could
leave whenever I wanted.
o The
Board decided that I was neither a threat to myself nor to anyone else
o I
will not be "mentally deteriorating" as suggested from my doctor
(i.e. my psychiatrist). I will be living a happy, good life as i have been for
the last 8 to 10 years. I am a perfectly normal person who deserves to go back
to his life.
-
My financial situation is very dire and uncertain…
o
At first, I wasn’t able to leave the mental health
clinic even if I wanted to, because I had nowhere to go and no money
o
For the longest time, I didn’t know if I would have a
place to live. Before going to the hospital, I had attempted to move out of my
condo unit by paying a new landlord $600 for one month’s worth of rent.
o
My friend John has been helping me out tremendously by
giving me a little bit of work and giving me his laptop to use, which is what I
am using now
o
I am in the midst of looking for freelance web design
work
o
The last social services cheque (for about $530) was
about two weeks ago; most of that went to my rent. I have still not finished
paying the entirety of my July rent.
-
Everything worked out in the end…
o
I am now renting two rooms in a house which I initially
reserved by paying $600 rent prior to being forced to stay in the mental health
clinic
o
I was permanently out of the hospital by July 26, 2012
o
However, my financial situation is still very dire and
uncertain
o
Steve is the owner of the house and is my landlord, I
feel like he is helping me out tremendously
o
John (a friend I met while in the mental health clinic)
is also still helping me out tremendously, including financially
-
I haven’t seen my daughter for almost 4 months…
o
The mother has been violating the court order starting
about a month before I was brought to the hospital. She began violating the
court order and not allowing me to see Brooklyn immediately after I started
confronting her by email about the fact that she has been brainwashing Brooklyn
to lie and keep secrets about anything to do with her con boyfriend
o
This brainwashing and the disrespect Erin (the mother)
has harboured towards me has caused a lot of behaviour problems in Brooklyn
o
Erin all of a sudden began to come up with reasons that
are bad about me as to why I should all of a sudden not see Brooklyn, even
mentioning things from 10 years ago that have nothing to do with what is going
on now
o
Erin has not allowed me to speak to Brooklyn on the
phone for over a month. The first time I called, she didn’t know it was me, and
hasn’t answered the phone since. She also doesn’t answer the phone when I call
from a pay phone.
o
Erin has not even suggested or encouraged supervised
visits out of respect for her daughter’s need to see her father
o
I have a custody hearing coming up soon, but I don’t
know when the date is yet
o
I still don’t have a legal aid to help me fight my
custody battle
o
I feel like I am wounding my poor child by not being
with her and not being able to give her the proper upbringing that she deserves
o
I feel like it is partially my fault that Brooklyn has
to suffer, because I was the one, 9 years ago, who was being self-destructive
and got involved with Erin only with a self-destructive state of mind
o
I have to focus on preparing for the court hearing
coming up which is over custody of my 8 year old daughter
-
~Sir’s~ presence…
o
There is something to be said about my friend, ~Sir~: i
will never get to see him again on earth, for his physical body has moved on to
its death, but he is continuously reminding me of his inner presence
o
He is extremely kind; He shows me tremendous love and concern;
He helps me feel loved and shows me the support that is lacking elsewhere in my
life
o I get the sense that He is looking after me, but also
has everything already planned for me
~Mark
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