#37 - Brooklyn's Struggles With The Mother -

August 2, 2012
Dear Flower,
As you may or may not know, Brooklyn's mother, Erin, has not allowed me to see Brooklyn since the beginning of May. I was in the hospital since June 1. There was a court date for custody scheduled for June 11. I was unable to make that court hearing because i was in the hospital involuntarily. I was stuck in the hospital for approximately 2 months. It is now early August, so, i have not been able to see my child for 3 months now.

Prior to Erin violating our court order and not allowing me to have Brooklyn during my court ordered scheduled access with her, i had been discovering from Brooklyn that Brooklyn has been, for over a few years now, brainwashed to tell lies and keep secrets about everything pertaining to Erin's current con-boyfriend--who is currently serving out his sentence in a halfway house--and her future plans with him. Brooklyn has also been brainwashed to believe that there are things wrong with me, and that she must report to mommy every time i get angry. Brooklyn has been, since about grade primary or grade one deliberately doing things she's not supposed to be doing, and i have had to learn very quickly not to address these wrong doings emotionally, i.e. with anger.

These conflicting thoughts in Brooklyn's mind has seriously impacted her behaviour for years. So, i decided, finally, to confront Erin about it by email. I have not been able to see Brooklyn since the day that i confronted Erin about the lies and secrets she's been getting her to keep.
~Mark

Please take the time to read the following past journal entry:
<<March 3, 2012>>
Dear Flower,
I've been noticing some serious behaviour problems yet again with Brooklyn this morning and i can remember thinking it really does not make any sense to me why this is happening. I can remember thinking this does not match up to how i'm raising her and how i've been raising her. And i remember thinking that something is causing this, i don't really understand what it could be, but something is causing it.

It involves strange behaviour and the same behaviour problem that i have been dealing with for a very long time now. Sorry if u got a message twice, something is messed with my comp.

I sent a message to Erin about it this morning because it was happening last night as well and i was thinking about it last night. I thought to myself, it would be best if i let Erin know every time i see this behaviour taking place and try to describe it to her.

Just to help clarifying things even more, here is a copy of that email:

Hey Erin,

I had a thought last night that i would like to start letting you know when i am experiencing awkward behaviour with her and try to describe briefly the behaviour i am seeing. This has been going on for a very long time and i think it's time we really addressed this. So, at the exact moment i'm witnessing the behaviour i'm going to let you know--not to get her in trouble. And it has to be very brief, 'cause obviously i'm tied up.

This morning before 600, she got out of bed too early, wanted to play games on the computer, i told her to go back to bed. She got out of bed secretively, i came out again and told her to go back to bed. While in bed and putting covers on her, i said go back to sleep, she said "well i'm not GONNA go back to sleep" defiantly, strange tone. Strange behaviour followed, including loud whinny sounds.

I'll try my best to describe the strange behaviour when i see it. I'd like to even keep a camera on me to try to video tape it a little bit and send that to you. Because basically what i've been seeing is the normal Brooklyn--very clearly normal--and the strange, awkward, defiant, bothersome, weird, behaviour that often includes a baby voice or hanging off me when hugging instead of hugging. Two different Brooklyns. What would be nice if i could video tape the normal Brooklyn and video tape the strange, awkward, very sensitive, Brooklyn and get those to you.

So, when i bring it to your attention again, it would probably be just a very simple, quick text message.

Thanks,
Mark

So, i've been experiencing a lot of strange, bothersome, defiant behaviour this morning. And i've been trying my best to help her get out of it, as i usually do when i have her, which usually eventually results in her being normal. And i don't know what goes on at school. Maybe she's shy at school, or has anxiety. But whatever takes place, somehow she has continued to revert back to this behaviour. And i've got expert opinion, to clarify my own view, from all her teachers, that this is NOT normal behaviour for someone her age.

I set her up with her own email address recently. That has given me the ability to send her messages that i love her, and so forth, while she's at mommy's. I thought that was helping a little. But i don't know for sure. I did notice last time i had her, her behaviour was still troublesome at times, but much better. And it really stuck out this morning as strange because it's a real and total reversion to something that's been taking place years and years ago. And i'm thinking how can that be possibly taking place after all the love and affection and respectful effort i've been putting into this? That doesn't match up. Something is f*cked up here. Something is causing this behaviour.

Then i notice later this morning that Mommy didn't show her all the funny and loving messages i sent her over the last week because i asked her about it and she said she didn't get them. So, i showed them to her. And i'm thinking that that's kinda odd. Because Erin gets the messages on her phone and she knows when i send her a message, so she would just show Brooklyn the messages on her phone. That's what she did before, the week before or whatever, but for some reason she didn't show any of them from last week.

So, then i start thinking, well maybe she was staying at somebody else's house and Erin didn't tell me.

So, i ask Brooklyn "were you at Mommy's house every day last week?"

"Um, i think so." Well, that's a weird way to answer the question, i think to myself.

So, i can tell something not quite right by the way she is acting and answering the question. Well, maybe she just doesn't remember or is not really paying attention. "Did you go to Daddy's house any day last week?" No. Okay, remember's that. "Did you go to Nan's house any day last week?" No. Okay, remember's that, seems to be paying attention. "Were you at Mommy's house every day last week?" "I think so." Well, that's not making sense, were you or weren't you? Now, she's acting strange. Similar strange behaviour that i've always been noticing. And looking at me strange, similar strange looking that i've been noticing for a long time now. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm thinking. She's looking at me like there's something wrong with me. Like, how is that related to everything we're talking about? She's acting strange, getting mad at me, looking at me weird. And not answering my questions right.

So, eventually, after helping her understand that her answers aren't making sense, she tells me "I went there with, Mommy." Went where with Mommy? Eventually she tells me "Chris's house." But has a really hard time spitting it out. But then things start to piece together in my mind. Because Chris is Christine. And i clarify that with her. "Christine? You mean Christine's house, right?" And she says "Yes, her name's Christine, but Mommy and me and everybody else call her Chris."

So, i know who this person is because once told me Chris is Christine and i see them talking on Facebook sometime. Christine Seaboyer. Justin's mom.

So, i'm thinking. Why would she have a problem telling me. Maybe it's because she thinks Mommy and i might be kinda "together" in some way, i don't know. So, i explain to her "You know Mommy and i aren't married right." She seems sad, but nods yes. "You know were never going to get married right?" She says yes. But then she says "Mommy's going to marry somebody else." So, i guess she's already been filled in on that some how.

And i know that this Justin guy is somebody that Erin has been seeing. But he's been in jail for a long time, for most the last 7 years. So, i clarify with her. "That's Justin's mom." And she says yes. Because before i wasn't 100% sure. But now i know. "Do you think that would bother me that you went there?" Has a hard time shaking her head no but does it anyway.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on because her answers aren't matching up and her behaviour isn't normal.

Thank God i can be vigilant enough to see the subtle looks in her eyes to know when she's lying to me and to have a pretty good idea what she's thinking about.

"Did Mommy tell you not to tell me that you went there?" Shakes her head no. And i'm watching her very closely, trying to look for subtle clues.

I thought i picked up once, since i'm not an idiot, that Erin said something to Brooklyn when i was picking her up from her house while Brooklyn was getting into the car, but it didn't seem right. I didn't see it. I wasn't looking in that direction. But it was the tone of her voice, the sound, and what came out of her mouth even though i didn't fully hear what she said. It kinda sounded like she said, "And, remember:" but then silence, as if what she was supposed to remember wasn't to be spoken.

And, it struck me as odd, and i could kinda picture Erin making a gesture to Brooklyn to be not mention anything about something. That's what i was thinking at the time.

And i'm looking into Brooklyn's eyes and i can tell sort of the kind of thoughts she's having.

It's something to do with Mommy. Something odd.

Something to do with Mommy and something to do wtih me. But the me part is there's something weird or strange or upsetting about me.

I asked her numerous times, did Mommy tell you not to tell me, or something like that. And i pick up numerous subtle signs in her eyes that she's not telling me the truth. I can sit there and see that there is deception here. In her eyes i can see that she's kinda blocking something. And her behaviour really is not making sense.

So, i see the behaviour or the strange body language and attitude and i try to sort of narrate this for her. I say, "You are in a very uncomfortable position."

Then i see some subtle signs that she's warming up to sort of that idea.

"This is not your responsibility"

"You have done nothing wrong. You're not in trouble." I'm not going to get mad at you."

"Mommy shouldn't tell you to lie to me, that's not your job."

Starts crying. "I didn't tell you that she told me to lie!"

Sorry, this is hard. 'Cause she's in the background wanting to get on the computer.

So, this is all starting to piece together in my mind.

"You didn't do anything wrong. Mommy did something wrong by telling you not to tell me things. That's not your responsibility. So, you don't have to feel bad when something goes wrong, because it isn't your responsibility, it's Mommy's responsibility."

All of a sudden i can see her really, really, really, getting that.

She's really starting to come together mentally.

I see it in her eyes, and she's looking at me like she loves me with that happy normal loving look that i should be getting and just really warming up to that idea that i just presented to her.

So, i'm thinking i better email Erin about this right away while this is still on my mind. But then i get a subtle thought-message from Sir that i shouldn't do that with her right there. Oh, right, yeah. So, i decide to get her to draw and just tell you first.
~Mark  @markenglish13