July 31, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'm really disturbed by the fact that i haven't seen my daughter in about 3 months now. I have a lingering pain inside because of it. Working at Starbucks-Chapters a lot reminds me of her every time i walk by the children section, and every time i see a child close to her age, i struggle with the pain of not being able to see her. Even throughout her life prior to the last 3 months, when i had her regularly, i struggled inside with the pain of being separated from her until i got her again. It didn't seem right. It's something that doesn't seem right that i have to tolerate. Something isn't right about it, about being separated from your child. Every time i returned her back to her mother, i felt like i was abusing her in some way, teaching her that i don't really care, or that i neglect her. How could her poor little brain understand that i'm simply trying to follow a court order that outlines a schedule for both the mother and me; it doesn't seem right to not have your child with you every night and every day.
And how could this have ever happened in the first place? How could i ever have gotten somebody pregnant that i knew in my wildest dreams i would never spend the rest of my life with? How could something like that possibly happen? Because i was being reckless; i was being self destructive, 'cause i didn't think it was fair; i didn't think it was normal what i was going through with ~Sir~. I was rebelling against it by being destructive, reckless, hurtful towards myself. But this is what i caused. My actions and my decisions resulted in a human being who must be raised this way. I know in my heart i would never choose Brooklyn's mother as the mother of my child. I know what's right and wrong. I know what's intelligent and not intelligent. And it wouldn't be particularly intelligent for me to plan to have a child with Brooklyn's mother. I did this. I caused this. I'm going to fight for custody. Only because i feel that that's what's best. I would give my life to that child. Two people are supposed to PLAN to have a child together. A child is supposed to be treated with respect at all times. I owe this child my life, because i made the decisions that brought her into this world in the first place. I have to give her everything i possibly have. It'll never be enough to love her from a distance. Something has to happen. Something has to change for the betterment of that child.
I wouldn't in my wildest dreams today make the kind of decisions that, in the past, resulted in somebody whom i would not value as being the mother of any of my children become pregnant with my child. There's nothing i can do about that now. That was all self-destruction. Yes, deliberately having unprotected sex (I knew she wasn't taking her pills properly even though she said she was) was total self-destruction. The only thing more self-destructive than the way i have been self-destructive would have been suicide. I would never commit suicide. I'm not afraid to die though. Not afraid one bit. Somebody could point a gun at my head; i wouldn't even flinch. I keep myself alive for other purposes, 'cause God wants me to, to serve God, to serve my daughter, to do what God wants me to. My daughter is the main reason why i would want to be alive, and because it's God's Will.
~Mark @markenglish13
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