#15 - Have i Been Diagnosed With Anything? -

July 16, 2012
Dear Flower,
I'm feeling inspired to give up coffee today. It just seems like the more pure thing to do, 'cause as you can probably tell from my last blog post I seem to be psychologically addicted to it; plus, i think it would be healthier for my brain if i seriously reduced the amount of caffeine i consume.

Another part of me is kind of aching for a coffee. I'm using self control and discipline, because i really feel it would be best if i gave up coffee. I've tried it before. It doesn't mean i'm a failure. I'm sure many babies becoming young toddlers have fallen a number of different times as they were learning how to walk for the first time. That's not failure; that's just the way it is in life.

I remember i had a dream once (a long time ago); i'll keep it very simple. ~Sir~ spoke to me in a dream. He showed me an orange and said that it represents me. As you know, one orange is made up of many pieces. He proceeded to give each piece to a separate part of my being. One human being is made up of numerous pieces, including the body, the mind, the soul, etc. It was ~Sir's~ way of helping to educate me that i am one human being of multiple pieces. So, there is a piece of me that wants to consume coffee, but the *real* me, I guess you could say, is incorporating self control.

A number of people have contacted me about my blog postings. And some questions were asked. I will answer one of those questions right now, and that is: have i been diagnosed with anything?

The short answer to that is as far as i know i have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. By the time i was about 15 or 16 years old i began to suffer from an anxiety disorder that was so severe i could barely function in society. I have been taking medication (Effexor) to deal with my anxiety for the last two years or so, prescribed by my family doctor. I strongly feel that this anxiety disorder that i have is the key issue with me psychologically speaking.

Also, my psychiatrist (i.e. the one who has been assigned to me during my stay here in this mental health clinic) has told me she thinks i have schizophrenia. Since around June 3rd or 4th i have also been taking a medication (i was told that i had no choice to take this medication and if i chose not to take it they would give me forced injections) that primarily deals with schizophrenia, although it is also beneficial for anxiety. This medication is called Olanzapine, and i take 30 mg every evening. I also take 225 mg of Effexor every morning, and .5 mg of Clonazepam 3 times a day.

I personally am not convinced that i have schizophrenia and would have chosen not to take the medication for schizophrenia if i had the option. As i said earlier, my key issue is anxiety. Thankfully, Olanzapine does seem to help by reducing some anxiety.

Wow, i wrote all that without any coffee. I will try to expand on the topic of "my diagnosis" in my next blog post.
~Mark

Additional -optional- reading of excerpts from past Journal entries: ;)
November 6, 2010
Dear Flower,
Sometimes i'll go to a bar and i'll completely forget about the sundar. I'll stand at the bar and have a few drinks; then girls sort of start approaching me and i'll be like "Oh yeah, the sundar. I didn't think it was really showing".

And i've noticed something about girls that i didn't notice before. I'll be standing at the bar, then some girl will come up and stand beside me and order something or look at something at the bar then look up at me and smile. And i'm noticing something about their body language, i can tell that they WANT me to start talking to them. It's just written all over their face and the way they're standing.

And once i start talking to any of these girls, it's like the game is on. Inside my mind i'm thinking "Am i really seeing what i THINK i'm seeing?", but vocally i could be saying anything, i don't even remember. But it's like i don't care about anything. I couldn't care less, because i'm sort of like exploring the experience. And i'm noticing that what i'm seeing with the body language is now being reconfirmed by the fact that it's really easy to talk to this girl. I barely have to do anything to keep her talking to me.

In fact, i start talking to some drunk 22 year old--who i think is pretty friggin hot--while i'm waiting outside for a friend and it's very easy to keep talking to her and i can't understand why. I'm like not even making an effort and i can't understand why this person is still talking to me. It's like she WANTS to talk to me or something.

And it's like i start thinkin "All i'm doing is standing here, with my hand in my pocket and asking you a few questions, and it's like i'm going home with you at the end of the night." That's what it felt like--i didn't actually go home with anybody.

These are some of the things i'm observing going on inside me--someone who previously did not have the sundar for 13 years.
~Mark  @markenglish13