Dear Flower,
- My Anxiety disorder...
o
I started addressing this anxiety disorder through a
family doctor about 2 years ago for the first time since I was about 17 or 18 years old (I am now 36).
o
When I was 17, I saw a psychologist for a short period
of time who diagnosed me with an “anxiety depression”.
o
This anxiety disorder has caused me many failures in
life, much deprivation. There would be much more fulfilling social, and
financial, experiences I would be having in my life if it wasn’t for this
anxiety disorder.
o
I feel this anxiety disorder was caused primarily due
to the way I was raised by my mother and father, and the toxicity that my
sister and I went through growing up. My parents were arguing, fighting, a lot;
they had bad fights, and had problems with their marriage. The abuse they
vented onto each other they also began to vent upon Stacy and I. And it is a sin
that poor Stacy and I had to suffer through that. We both are victims of child
abuse.
o
My anxiety disorder really started to rule my life
right around the age of 16 or 17. It became horrific. Both my parents were
heavy drinkers and the “escape” or “happiness” that I learned by that age was
that of consuming alcoholic beverages, preferably with friends, but by this age
I was getting drunk alone day in and day out.
o
I saw no hope for my future. I saw my future as dying
on the streets as some drunk, and that was definitely where I was heading.
o I started learning to meditate in 1994 when i was 18 years old and it very quickly changed my life for the better
-
Getting angry with ~Sir~...
o
The self-destruction I went through back between 1998
and 2004 when angry or resentful against ~Sir~ and the actions I made to
attempt to spite him has made it appear as though I have schizophrenia
o
There were many things I did that were self destructive
out of anger and spite towards ~Sir~ including drinking heavily, and making it
appear to others as though he was doing serious things to harm me. This
included going to hospitals to try to get him “caught”, and this got recorded in
my health records, and rather than causing any damage towards him, it
simply made me appear to have schizophrenia
o
Never seeming to be able to meditate properly no matter
how much I tried seemed to be one of the reasons why I was getting angry
o
I will be looking for second opinions on the
schizophrenia diagnosis
-
Bad decisions because of my anxiety disorder...
o
The only way i ever met
an individual who basically introduced me to crack-cocaine was because i was
trying to self medicate myself so that i could get past my anxiety and talk to
girls—so i wouldn't be alone for the rest of my life—so i could be more like
you, and have a family, have loved ones around me most of the time. My anxiety
is/was so bad i felt i didn't have a choice. All it was was to help me get over
a little bump; once i'm past that bump i could be fine, but i needed something
to give me the momentum, the confidence. Because i have had a life of very
little social successes. I was severely emotionally abused and by the time i
was 15/16 i couldn't even function in society. I felt a six-pack of beer and a
little bit of crack would give me the confidence to have a few social
successes—exactly what i need.
-
The Sundar...
o
I have taken the good looks that I get from meditation in
the wrong way over the last couple years or so; for instance, I was often
meditating just so I could develop more good looks. Instead of meditating as a
service to God, which is how one should meditate, I was meditating to retrieve
more good looks. I wanted to achieve better looks and then meet a girl in a
bar. Unfortunately, somehow I justified also drinking and doing drugs to
self-medicate my anxiety disorder to help me have the confidence to start
conversations with girls.
~Mark
getting "past that bump" rings true for my experience.
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